I am a 31 year old Woman who wants nothing more than to find someone who really loves me and wants to get married.
I found the perfect man when I was young, we dated for 3 years, were engaged and suddenly found out that he had a brain tumor and passed away 6 months later. This was absolutely devastating for me. Took me awhile to recover and moved to a different state and started dating again.
Just ended a 6 year relationship and the guy said that he’s not ready to get married and that I haven’t shown him any reason that he should marry me. and that he never wants to marry. Clearly this broke my heart to hear after given him so much and really helped him better himself, just to be not enough.
I just feel like my time is ticking and my youth has been wasted, I'm old overweight and unattractive – out of my prime. Also about 2 years ago my brother was killed by a drunk driver and it has really shattered my family. So on top of that who would want to date someone so broken who has the most broken family? Nobody. *heavy sigh* I feel extremely hopeless.
37 comments
Assuming you’ve laid it all on the table here and aren’t concealing things like multiple kids, chronic mental health or substance abuse issues, I don’t see how that’s too much baggage. Just normal (albeit tragic at times) trials and tribulations of life. By the time you’re dating in your 30s, yeah, you kind of assume most people our age have been knocked down a few times and have had to get back up. That’s nothing insurmountable.
hey, im around your age. you can be slim and hot still. fuck prime, i know i look better now then i used to. i know you feel like shit and im so sorry for it, but believe me, your still young, and you can change it. im also very sorry for your loss !!
i think caring for your health and mental health and finding healthy outlets and maybe therapy should be priority, everything else can fall in place afterwards. what happend to you is heartbreaking, but you can find love again.
You’re 31. Get into shape, take care of yourself. I’m 34. I get it, it doesn’t get easier but we are *supposed* to grow the skills to take care of ourselves. We’re still pretty young. Life is yours, get after it!
You’re only 31.
Also, in your 30s, everyone has baggage.
Also, 30s IS your prime, it is when you really learn to enjoy life instead of drowning in fomo with a post-teenager brain.
Stop pitying yourself, do therapy, exercise, get your life on track and put your best face out there, if you present yourself as you do in this post, nobody will want you, but that isn’t your whole self.
This is going to sound trite, but it sounds like you don’t even love yourself. How can you expect a whole other person to?
31 isn’t old, you can work on your physical health, and attractiveness is subjective.
Instead of worrying about finding someone right now, take some time (6 months, a year, whatever you need) to work on yourself with the right therapist and get yourself in the right headspace to date again.
Because, if you keep up your current attitude, you’re going to create a sulf-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to date someone who’s depressed and has no self-esteem.
christ…31 is so insanely young. What are you on about with old and over your top? You gotta knock that shit off. That’s ridiculous.
Also why is marrying so important? Shouldn’t you be more focussed on finding someone to love instead of finding someone who wants to get married?
I can’t help you with the “baggage” issues (no idea there), but in the future you should be having the “are you looking to get married” conversation reasonably early in the relationship. Not on the first date, obviously, but you shouldn’t be waiting 5 years to have that conversation either. The point being to not waste too much time in a relationship that is not going the direction you want it to. If you’ve been dating for (say) a year and he says he’s not interested in getting married? He ain’t the one. Move on! That’s not to say that you should be engaged within a year, but it is to say that BOTH of you should be thinking in those terms and moving in that direction. Put it this way: If you’ve given it a serious go and you don’t have a ring on your finger in 3-4 years? GTFO. It’s already been too long. You’re an adult. They’re an adult. Both of you should know enough to make such determinations in reasonable amounts of time.
You need to stop focusing on things you want that you can’t control. You only get a limited amount of mental and physical effort each day, and using it on things that you can’t control is the same as throwing it away. Marriage and love is a happy accident, not a goal. You need to find a life you love living first before you worry about who you let into it. The most eligible people are usually the ones who are happy and independent. This is attractive to both sexes.
I’ve got one more point to hammer it home. Even if you were married to the most wonderful person on earth, they still can’t make you happy. At the end of the day, happiness comes from your life expectations compared to your experiences. If you keep expecting more out of life than you’re getting or willing to work for, actually getting the things you want doesn’t make you happy. You’ll just focus on something else as the reason why.
We all have baggage.
I’m not telling you that to diminish or take away from your experience – my point is that it’s normal and nothing to worry about.
Sometimes life takes us out of a situation for a good reason, and we may never know why. The best thing you can do is keep moving forward.
I’m so sorry about your brother and your other losses. That’s really tragic.
The truth is many people have tragedies and challenges in their lives. That’s not an indictment on them. I hope you are seeking professional help. That and time are the only things that will help you. Do it for yourself — not to make yourself a better date or what have you.
As far as your age is concerned, I don’t think it matters as much. I met my wife when she was 31 and I was 35. I know plenty of women friends who’ve met their partners in their mid to late 30s.
I’d say the fitness certainly matters. Or at least it limits the number of men who’d want to date you. For some it’s not a big deal but for some it can be.
I’d say just take some time to focus on yourself. Focus on your mental and physical health and that’ll go a long way.
You feel old, overweight, and unattractive? You can work out, count calories, think about revitalizing your dress/ style. You feel traumatized and hopeless? You can go to therapy.
Look, you’ve been dealt a real tough hand. Your feelings are valid. You’ve had a tough life. but you can actually do things to change that life. A lot of people on this website have gotten to your age without a single person *ever* expressing romantic interest in them. The fact that you have had *multiple* years-long relationships should tell you that aren’t unlovable, that you really do have a shot at this. You just need to take action.
Stop worrying about someone else to love and love yourself and put effort into improving your health, for your own sake, nobody else’s. Focus on your own happiness and love yourself, I’m 41 single man who has no fear of being alone because I create my own happiness and love for myself. When someone worth my time and efforts comes along the I will chase that possibility. Until then I ain’t holding my breath and I won’t settle for anything less than a functioning healthy relationship.
I’m a 35m. Started getting into better shape 2 years ago. I went from 280 lbs to 215. Still at it, but it’s definitely possible. It also sounds like you need to work on your own physical and mental health and find some things for you before you invest so much into someone else. Dating is hard regardless, but dating with the sole intention of getting married is setting yourself up for failure. Try to have fun, and gage whether the person has what YOU want in a partner. Good luck!
Focus on the things you can control like your physical shape and mental outlook. Exercise, good sleep, and proper nutrition can do wonders for your mental.
You’ve been through a lot and a lot of people who go through hardships in life come out stronger from it. This can be you.
We all have baggage. If you’re ruminating on life trauma, the best thing you can do is find a good therapist who can work with you.
Now on to the other half:
Finding someone starts with dating. Dating starts with being attractive enough to open the door. In your 30’s we don’t have the benefit of youthful attractiveness. That’s fine! It just means you have to put in some work. Focus on health first – good diet, light exercise. Then focus on fashion. Doesn’t have to be intense, just enough to demonstrate that you’re put together.
I’m a dude in my mid 30’s and a lot of my dating woes went away when I put in the work to lose weight and be deliberate about my wardrobe. I believe the same applies to women my age.
Work out three times a week, get your diet healthy, get enough sleep. Do this for half a year, watch your outlook change. Do it for a year, everything will change. Focus on yourself and get yourself in order. If you don’t, how can you be there for others, let alone a marriage? You can do this!
31 is not old. Get fit for yourself.
You sound like was living for other people. Maybe it’s time to live for yourself. Start with taking better care of yourself.
You made the biggest mistake when you put your happiness in someone elses hand.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
I will tell what my therapist told me: you have to love yourself first before you expect others to love you. My friend had his first kid at 49 and is very happy
First I hope you are going to some counseling to help yourself work through your “baggage”. You’re not damaged goods, or at least not in a way that you can never find happiness. You got this but help is good.
Second, your time is not ticking. People get married later in life all of the time, be that a first marriage or divorced and remarried.
Overall, it sounds like you have some self-work to start on and then you may be able to better move to that next step with someone else. You got this!
I don’t see this overwhelming amount of baggage you are referring to.
Maybe you need to change your dating strategy, location, and the type of guys you are entertaining?
If you feel your appearance is the problem, work on your fitness plan.. When you date, make it known that you are. Many people like to do things with a partner, there’s a good chance you’ll find someone who is also working on theirs too.
You can also look into getting a make over, there are many places that offer such services to help reinvent your look and the theme you carry with your appearance.
On a side note, time is your friend.. and also look into seeking someone to talk to about the pain you’ve had to endure. Particularly the most recent events.
I think you have much to look forward to, and in this day and age.. At 31, you have more time than you think.
Hang in there, and wish you the best of luck.
I met my current husband at 34. You’ve got time!
I was literally scorching hot at 35. The most fit and gorgeous I’ve ever been.
There’s no way a woman wrote this. Anyway don’t wait 6 years to make sure you and your partner want the same things. He sounds like an ass and you tolerated it.
Go to therapy, workout, get some endorphins, get your hormones checked and don’t beg men for validation they’re not the center of your life
Not too late yet, also you find solace in another with similar baggage who might be more understanding. A normal guy may not.
This might not be entirely helpful in this moment but 31 is so, so young in the scheme of things. The whole construct of time is so flawed given you can only speak for how you feel right now. I’m really sorry for your multiple losses and hope you can find peace & contentment in small achievements each day.
Trust me, that is not too much baggage. If you said you had kids with an abusive ex, that is a semblance of “more” baggage but you’ve had some unfortunate circumstances but far from too much baggage. Being overweight though could be a turn off for some men. I think if you get into shape and just live a healthier lifestyle, you will look and feel better and that energy alone will make you much more attractive. You have everything to gain, don’t believe the opposite.
I’m sorry for the loss of your ex fiance and your brother. We all carry losses but it’s not baggage. That’s just life.
Having said that…you need to take a moment to put things in perspective. Old at 31? Not sure what you think life expectancy is in this century but you have several decades ahead of you. If you’re overweight then you can make small but consistent changes. It sounds like a more active lifestyle will help your mental health as well.
Also, you didn’t offer details about your family beyond the impact of your brother’s passing. I’m sure it was hard, it happened in my family as well but no one in their right mind will look at this situation and think you have the most broken family.
It sounds like you’re in need of building up other areas of your life and focusing on yourself before thinking about finding someone.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You have loved twice amwhivh is more than most. Based on those odds alone, I think if you return to dating and make marriage a priority, it will happem
You’re fine.
You have so much life ahead of you. 30s and 40s are awesome. Dating is hard for everyone but there are people looking to connect at all ages. You don’t have more baggage than other people. Like they said in Rent, look for baggage that goes with yours.
It might be worth examining what “marriage” really means to you. Is it the goal? Why? I love being married. But it’s just a step in the road. It doesn’t invalidate or mask what happened before, and it’s not a guarantee for the future. I’m not denigrating it. If you want to do it, then go for it. But your life isn’t less valuable because you don’t have a ring on your finger.
I divorced after 7 years, and then met the love of my life at 33!
I think you are catastrophizing. You are only 31. If you are going to live till 81, then you have 50 more years to live. That’s a whole life ahead of you. Focus on things that you can control. Thinks like working on your perception about yourself and your weight. Did you go for therapy after the two losses? If not, consider therapy. I’m 41 and have gone through so much that I could write a best seller. Yet I’m still loveable. You have experienced many traumatic events, but many of us don’t reach that age unscathed by life’s challenges. All this does not make someone unloveable.
I’m a 32yo divorcee and I’d love to get married again (to the right woman) ASAP. Being alone sucks. So we’re definitely out there and looking for someone too.
This may sound harsh and I don’t mean it that way, but I’m a firm believer in taking reality as it is, even if it’s unpleasant or uncomfortable. As well as getting to an actual solution to a problem, rather than a more comforting emotional appeal.
You mention being overweight and unattractive. Two things here: A) Almost every single woman on earth is attractive if she’s not overweight, B) your weight is 100% within your control.
If you think that you are overweight and unattractive, then lose weight. It’s very simple: calorie deficit and exercise, even if it’s just walking every day. Discipline and consistency are key. And I’m speaking as someone who struggles with my weight and fitness myself, I understand the struggle. But at the end of the day it’s a matter of willpower, discipline, consistency, and not making excuses.
When you start to get in shape, lose weight, and you know you look good, this will inevitably boost your confidence through the roof and make you feel better about yourself and life in general. Will it magically solve all of your problems? No. But if you’re trying to get your self and your life together, physical fitness is the best foundation to start from and start building momentum to tackle your other problems. Plus you’ll just physically feel better in general from a health perspective.
I say all this with all kindness intended, I apologize if it comes across as offensive.
Sorry for all the heartache. I would say focus on yourself (mentally, spiritually and physically). Love happens when you least expect it. Best of luck
If you’ve decided that you are old, overweight, unattractive, and unretrievably broken, then you are.
You never, ever, ever talk shit on yourself because you are exactly who you’ve decided.
You will act as a person who is all those unattractive things. You’ll care for yourself the way you think about yourself, and you’ll care for your things as if they are what you think of yourself.
So, as long as you’ve decided this person you are is of such low value, you’ll insist you aren’t worthy of a mate. That’s because you aren’t. Nobody wants that.
Do you want to hang out with someone who is acting out their self-imposed never-ending grief?
Add to that, they look like hell, they’re slovenly and dress goofy to hide it because they’re completely self-invested, and they can’t wait to tell you what a hell on earth their life has been?
No, you certainly don’t. Neither does anyone else.
You’ve made a conscious decision to be this person. If you want things to change, stop.
Put in place better ways of thinking.
“I’m overweight and I look like shit, but not for long. I’m going to go for that walk. Ride that bike. Back up from the table so I’m not eating depressively. I’m a damn sight better than I made myself to be and I’m done with this shit.”
Handling grief comes in steps that I won’t go into. Look up the steps of grieving. Figure out what you’ve missed, what parts you didn’t let yourself feel. If you have to, start from the beginning.
You suffered some terrible things I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But I can tell you with every confidence that there are many people around you who have gone through much worse and chose to heal and move on.
Something that I never forget is that everyone around us, important or not, are on loan to us. They can be called Home anytime God wants them. I chose to believe that He brings them to a better place, much better than this. I believe I’ll be clued in on how it all works when I get there.
Either that or when I’m dead, I’m dead like a stick. When two options are presented, one that makes me feel good and one that makes me feel bad, I choose the good.
Every single time. It works wonders.
Okay, thinking of yourself that way is *definitely* not doing u favors
One, you seen/lived some shit, see a psychologist who practices DBT (it is well known to be the most effective therapy for long term change if it’s being practiced regularly
Also, you’re “fat”, dress for your body shape and play up your good features, wear colours and fabrics that compliment you. Do your brows, style your hair to compliment your face.
“Old”? A ton of men love a woman with the wisdom and experience a mature woman brings. You don’t want to be with someone who wants a 20 y/o, your life goals are not aligned anyway
I’m a woman and sometimes i fucking hate myself and hate life but i don’t always hate myself and the world. We’re all so self involved and because of that no one is just naturally “nice” to us, if we can’t be kind to ourselves, we have nothing.
Have a pity party and then pick your ass up again and strive for the better you
You need therapy, and the gym.
Finding a soulmate isn’t necessarily about marrying. That’s not the end goal of anything. Rather a way to get into more trouble. Just look at the amount of people getting divorced years later.
You’re to fixated on something that could make you happy that you seem to forget to enjoy life now.
Also, sorry for your loss. I couldn’t imagine the pain you went through. I also believe that you’ve never really accepted the loss. I wouldn’t either, don’t get me wrong. Hope you will find a way to feel more hapiness, you deserve it.
You’re still young!! You shouldn’t be so harsh on yourself love! just reading this though I would suggest you see a therapist to work through your traumas and low self esteem. I wish you the best <3