Basically I want to have male friendships again because during my childhood those were the ones where I had the most natural and real connections, but how do you do this when society basically tells you that this doesn’t work?
The reason those friendships ended when i was a kid was because eventually as we grew up other kids started to find it weird, and would do things like trying to to push me and my best friend into a relationship just because we were of the opposite sex. This idea that “men and women can’t be friends if not in a relationship” is still stuck with me and now I don’t know how to pursue friendships with guys without feeling like I’m making it weird /:
(I also think I have trouble distinguishing romantic feelings from platonic feelings, because the last time I was getting to know a guy I distanced myself from him when we started to get closer because I thought I was developing feelings for him, but looking back I’m pretty sure it was just him being nice that made me believe I liked him)
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Men and women CAN be friends – but both have to be emotionally mature enough to keep things platonic and not have any “motive” behind the friendship
As an adult though…this gets harder. Because meeting men casually, as a woman, sends the msg that you are “interested” when you try to get to know them, or talk to them, or hang with then. But sometimes the answer to this is literally (by chance). Do you have gf’s? Why are you looking specifically want male friends?
Men want sex from a woman, women want attention from men. Also, both have different notions about what a friendship is.
It definitely can work. My best friend is a woman and having seen her struggle to be friends with other guys: I simply don’t want to be that type of person to her. The important thing to make it work is clear communication as to what your boundaries are. Doubly so if you tend develop feelings as you get closer to someone. Keep the distance that makes you comfortable. There are different levels of friendships too. Ranging from someone you talk to once a month to someone you hangout daily with. These dynamics change all the time, but the important thing is that you both do what you are comfortable with and are able to express that clearly to each other. Someone who is a true friend will respect your boundaries. If they can’t, it is best to let them go because it will get messy. You may find a lot of people who can’t but all that means is that it wasn’t a good fit for them.
When starting it off, it is best to make your intentions clear. “as friends” is a great way to avoid misunderstandings.
The only male friend I have managed to keep over the years is an extremely attractive and socially skilled guy who can have almost every woman he wants. He does not hit on me and his girlfriends never succeed in forcing him to drop his female friends, as they know he can get another girl easily if the current one becomes too controlling. His mother is a very confident and successful woman who raised him by herself and taught him a deep respect and understanding of women.
I know the guy since I was 14. An abusive boyfriend I spent a few years with absolutely hated him and was obsessed with him even though my friend was super nice to him.
I have had countless other male friends I cared about but they either dropped me once they got a girlfriend or they hit on me and the friendship ended as a result. I have another guy friend I care about but I suspect he used to have a crush on me, although now it may be cured, as he used to be a socially awkward nerd but now he is becoming quite successful and he got in shape. I, on the other hand, got quite out of shape in the last few years, and I am not aging well at all for a woman in her early 30s (poverty, overwork, stress, abuse, lack of physical activity, smoking and drinking in my 20s are all catching up with me). I am convinced I will lose him forever once he gets a GF and that is sad, but I know it is almost inevitable as it has happened many other times before.