I’m (m37) recently (tonight) dealing with a rejection after a second date I could feel going south in real time. He (41m) was highly responsive, the first to text and the one that asked me out on both dates, and also to kiss me on the second date.
But I could sense that I made some major missteps; once talking about toxic masculinity (he was a smidge defensive when I tried to discuss it) – and I could tell some of my Covid caution maybe bristled him a bit. The conversation was mostly good but my missteps felt awkward and I could see him sort of struggle to get the date back on the tracks. It felt strange to have those missteps because we agreed a lot over text about a lot of mutually important social issues (it didn’t feel like this was a secret log cabin Republican, for instance) – but I could sense that maybe how passionately I felt was maybe a turn off for him. I was doubly thrown when he asked to kiss, and he was the one to text me first after the second date the next morning
I bring this up because I’m struggling with how passionate I should be in these dates; situations like Gaza, Covid, geopolitical issues are very important to me, and it seems like over text they’re important to people I eventually meet up with (lots of people on the apps, but I rarely meet with someone, even when I swipe right) – so it feels discerning enough that it’s not specifically my viewpoints but maybe how I’m expressing myself.
But I’m not really sure how I can fix it – I can be muted about my political ideologies but that ultimately would just end up with either resentment or abandoning a large part of conscience. I’m not sure how to have small talk in dates, beyond my political interests (and some major interests in cinema, but he was not a big movie watcher) – and I can’t really talk about family or upbringing because it’s filled with a ton of trauma and death early in my life.
I don’t know how to be authentic in dates without coming across as maybe intense or overwhelming.
And I don’t get a sparky feeling like the one I felt about this guy as much any more – it was pretty easy for me to feel that excitement when I was younger, but as I get close to forty, and it happens less and less, I’m just scared that it’ll be the last time and it won’t happen again.
I’ll be discussing my anxiety regarding his mixed signals to a therapist of course, and I’m pretty sure I’ll feel better with some sleep and some distance. I’m not sure I’m even asking anything, but I’ll be flagging this as dating and relationships.
But I suppose – what could I be missing? Why make out with me if the date is going so awkwardly? Why send good morning texts only to change course a few days later? And most importantly how do I stop this from happening again? It’s clear to me he found me physically attractive and it’s clear we had a good rapport connection from my side – how could I have read this so wrong? And how do I perform better dating in the future so I can stop seeing my dates die in real time? And I know that complementary love means I’ll find someone to accept me warts and all, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try to be better.