Trying to socialize feels awkward for me on different fronts. I’d like to get to know people my age, but I feel as though I’m set back by factors outside my control. As mentioned in title, I have autism and am very much someone with a babyface and overall childish appearance that I cannot do much to alter. I try dressing nicely and in clothing that suit my figure, but frankly- with a small stature, flat chest and round facial features, I’m often mistaken for a high schooler. It does affect how others see, approach, and treat me, and so it has become somewhat of an insecurity. I’m not embarrassed by this because I already know I’m doing what I’m able to present myself appropriately, but being endlessly mistaken for a teenager gets old very quickly, and I’ve become somewhat defensive and prickly in response to any comments relating to this aspect of myself.
I feel like in some ways, being a good speaker would normally help to counter the impression that’s brought about by a youthful appearance. But as someone who has autism that hinders her ability to communicate (communicating ideas as well as the awareness needed to have fluid, balanced conversations just don’t come naturally to me), I don’t have the advantage of at least being well spoken. The textual format falls within my comfort zone since it gives one more time to frame their thoughts. Perhaps less directly related to my autism and more so related to some undiagnosed disorder, I think slowly and process information more slowly than most. And so, having the time and space to express my thoughts—without any kind of immediate social pressure as well—I much prefer to text. But I really want to hang out with others in person, because I feel that texting for me will become something of a crutch rather than a pillar for a relationship.
I feel like it’s a host of problems that keep me from being the me I’d like others to see. There are moments where I see there’s such disconnect between who I experience myself as and how others view me, and maybe that’s unavoidable. I’m not sure what sort of advice I’m looking for. If there is anyone who can relate, I’d like to hear your experience as well.