My (31F) husband (31M) doesn’t want kids anymore
Hi Friends,
My husband and I have been married for a little over a year now. When we were dating and before marriage, we talked about a timeline for when to start a family. He and I agreed on 2 years after marriage.
I asked him last month if we could start trying by the end of this year/early next year, since it takes 9 months for a baby, which would project the delivery date of basically two years after marriage, which we initially agreed on.
He said he needed more time- wasn’t ready for fatherhood. He said he was scared that he wasn’t ready. I suggested marriage/couples counseling. We went to two different therapists, but he said it didn’t help.
Last night, he brought up the topic again, and said he won’t be ready for a long time. Maybe 10 more years, or maybe even never.
I’m 31 now, and have always dreamed of starting a family and having kids. I’m crushed that he has had a change of heart.
I’m deliberating on if this is reason for divorce. I made it very clear before and during our marriage, that having kids is a desire and goal for me. I suggested separating since neither one of us is willing to relent on this issue, and he says I care more about having kids than our marriage. I care about our marriage, but at the same time, he changed the terms. I wouldn’t have gone out on a second date with him, if I knew we weren’t on the same page about kids.
Any thoughts or advice on how to navigate this?
Tl;Dr! My husband and I agreed on a timeline of when to start a family, but he’s changed his mind. I’m contemplating if this is a reason for divorce.
Edit: Thank you to everyone who has given their feedback. I feel a little bit more at peace, knowing that my thoughts of divorce aren’t irrational, coming from multiple perspectives of internet strangers. Before the post, I was second-guessing myself at a certain point, but have received confirmation that I’m not a selfish person for feeling this way, but if anything, I’m allowed to be selfish when it comes to my happiness. Thank you for helping this stranger not feel so alone today.
30 comments
Separation is a completely logical and natural reaction to such a fundamental change.
I’d be getting a divorce very quickly if this happened to me.
And honestly it’s not a failure, it’s just that people change and grow apart sometimes.
Call around town and find a good lawyer, divorce is the next step
Unfortunately, having kids (or not) isn’t something you can negotiate or compromise. Both of you firmly have to be on the same page when it comes to kids.
He’s allowed to change his mind on kids. But this means you two are now fundamentally incompatible. Continuing this marriage means one of you will resent the other—no kids, you’ll resent him, and he’ll resent you for having kids.
This is where your relationship with your husband will end.
This is a core incompatibility that cannot be resolved and the time you waste with him is time you are stealing from your future family. If you want kids, you have to find someone else who wants them instead of trying to negotiate with someone who doesn’t.
Kids vs no kids is definitely grounds for divorce imo. Because either you don’t have kids and you resent him for it, or you do and he goes one of two ways – best case once baby is born he falls in love, gets past his reservations and becomes a great dad, or, he resents the kids and the fact that he can’t do what he wanted to do, your time is taken up with them, and he is a very absent parent. Anything but the best case may lead to divorce in the long run anyways.
There’s a reason kids is a non-negotiable that people discuss early in a relationship. It’s not fair of him to tell you he wants them when in reality he wasn’t sure and was probably saying that so that you would go on more dates with him. And having kids can test even the strongest relationships, you need both parents on board as equal partners.
I’m more inclined to believe he tricked you into marriage by lying about his stance on kids than that he all of a sudden changed his mind. But I’m old and jaded.
Regardless, the two of you are on very different pages on something with no room for compromise. Yes, this is a reason for divorce. If he was intentionally deceptive, that’s an even bigger reason.
***ETA*** *- He knows that in 10+ years you will likely be physically unable to have children. He’s not dumb. Let’s say he does change his mind once your fertile years are over – does that mean he’s going to leave you so he can find someone able to have children? I wouldn’t stick around to find out.*
This is a reason for divorce.
“You care more about kids than our marriage” well, kids were a prerequisite to the marriage, part of the marriage package you were choosing. Without the prospect of kids, he’s no longer compatible husband material for you. He lied to you. Sack him.
There are a lot of things you can and should compromise on in a marriage. Having children is NOT one of them. You’re either all in or all out.
Better now than in ten years.
You want different things. You shouldn’t have kids with someone that doesn’t 100% want them. It’s fucking hard
>and he says I care more about having kids than our marriage
He’s manipulating you. If he’s choosing to use this logic, then he cares more about not having kids than your marriage. Don’t let him sucker you into giving up a major life goal of yours.
Edit: I will say that it’s also possible, as terrible as it sounds, that he specifically doesn’t want kids *with you.* For some famous examples — John Cena said he and his wife divorced because she wanted kids and he didn’t. Now with a new wife he says he’s considering kids. John Mulaney said that he didn’t want kids, then he left his wife and immediately got Olivia Wilde pregnant.
You don’t have ten years to wait. And yes I think this is a perfectly reasonable reason for divorce.
He’s going to act like you’re a bad person. You can’t help that he feels that way. He’s wrong. Move on and live your life honestly, the way you’ve been doing all this time, and find someone else.
Even if he changes his tune and agrees to have kids so you don’t leave, he’ll be a useless father and family man at that point. He’ll be resentful that you “made” him do it and leave all the work to you because he thinks you should do it all since he didn’t want to. You don’t need that kind of partner.
Bait and switch. Divorce him and find an honest man with similar goals or go it alone.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
But I’d have one more conversation where – without judgement- you try and find out his reasons and see if it’s cold feet, or worry about being a bad parent etc or if this is truly something he doesn’t want.
If it’s the latter, you need to divorce. This is non negotiable. You’re still young, but you want to give yourself as much time as possible to vet and find a good partner so you’re not stuck accepting the dregs of the male species because you need to breed fast. I’d also strongly advise freezing some eggs while they’re in their prime to give yourself some extra time for that search.
He could ask for more time or say he’ll have them for you once you initiate divorce. DO NOT give him more time of yours to waste figuring it out. And be wary if he says he’ll have a kid to make you stay. It is incredibly easy for a man to up and leave his kids, or for him to shove all the work into you and do nothing but go to work. You absolutely do not want a regretful father on your hands
Yes, this is grounds for divorce.
“You care about kids more than our marriage.”
He knows it would be reasonable for you to divorce him over this, and is lashing out. Unless he pulls his head out of his ass pretty quick, he’s likely to turn a low conflict no fault divorce into a high conflict acrimonious one.
You are doing the right thing. He is being a douche. This is one of those things where it isn’t anyone’s fault (assuming he’s being truthful and his feelings have changed rather than this being a bait and switch) but divorce is the only answer.
Definitely do not have sex with him again. If you have a birth control failure, he’ll accuse you of trapping him and you’ll end up tied to a bitter resentful human for the next 18+ years.
You can try for annulment too. There are different laws depending on the state, but essentially he lied and thus your marriage is not valid. Divorce takes a longer than annulment.
If you still want kids, it’s definitely a reason for divorce. You’d have to be a maybe for this to still work.
I’ve read a few times of when spouses just said they wanted kids to get the other to shut up. Who knows if this is what he is doing, I don’t know your husband. That can not really the most healthy way to have a relationship. It is odd that he is springing this change of mind so casually, like you should just roll with it.
“Maybe even 10 years” is just stalling. He is straddling the whole spectrum of having kids, and you “can’t” be mad if the answer is no. You guys aren’t having kids in ten years.
Even the Catholic Church would allow an annulment under these reasons, so go ahead and get divorced. You are young enough to find someone else and get pregnant.
Children is the ONE area you really can’t compromise on. It’s not fair to you, and it wouldn’t be fair to him – so the only solution is to divorce.
Sucks to be him.
Your 31, you can’t wait 10 years for a yes, let alone a maybe. He’s trying to play the waiting game and stall you out – *this is worse than changing his mind*.
The ten year thing is the same value as two years after we marry.
He is probably banking on you accepting having no kids.
It’s not about you wanting kids is more important to you than your marriage. The main thing here is that you have a life to live and you have a certain way you want to do that. If you married your partner under the agreement that y’all want to have kids, it makes sense for you to no longer want to be with him since he can’t give you what you want, and you can’t give him why you want either. I think this is a perfectly good reason to file for divorce. He doesn’t understand how important this is to you and he might never understand. But he doesn’t have to. You can make the decision to start over with someone else that does.
So this is one of those things. If he doesn’t want kids you can’t make him. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. It sucks you found out so late into the relationship, that’s really tough. Going to have to choose him or try to separate and find someone else.
The worst parents are ones who didn’t want kids. Once you have them it’s not about you anymore so be careful if he suddenly agrees to have them when you leave.
I am cf but i also support divorce. 10 years? He wants to be a dad at 40? That just really irtesponsible and feels dishonest. Ppl wanting kids often lie to get with cf folks and the reverse can happen. Even if he really wants a kid at 40, he most likely wont have it with you but with a younger woman.
This is definitely a valid reason for divorce, it’s a fundamental incompatibility between the two of you.
You aren’t compatible anymore. There’s no compromise. Talking your husband into having children when he doesn’t want them will only make things worse for everyone.
If you truly want to have children, you need to find someone else to have them with or be a single parent. Since neither is possible while you are married to your husband, then it’s time to begin the process of detangling your lives. If you want the child to be your biological child, you should work on divorce sooner rather than later.
When I started dating my wife, we had the same conversations. In our case, we are both CF. If she had a child or wanted children, it would have been over before it started.
There are very few true hard and fast deal breakers in a relationship. This is one of them.
If you are truly at opposite ends on this issue, then the relationship can only end in bitterness and unhappiness. The only small consolation is that you didn’t find out ten years in instead of one.
You are BOTH allowed to be selfish in this area. The hard truth is that people ARE allowed to change their mind. The sad part is that in this case, the goals no longer align as a result.
This was your clearly stated condition for proceeding to marry this person. You believed they shared your vision. The issue of having children together (whether biological or adopted or fostered) is not trivial. Kudos to you for knowing your values and taking action.
Yes, people change. That doesn’t make your husband a monster, but it does raise the question of how to possibly avoid this situation in the future.
Did he have any nieces or nephews in his life? How did he interact with them? Did he see them as interesting? Did they like him? Did he actually spend any time with them?
Did he initiate talk about having children and planning the life he would like to have as a family? Or were you always the lead in those conversations?
Not too many 28 yo men have given it as much thought as you did. They may have vague notions of someday being a father.
It’s one thing to not be ready to start after one year of marriage, especially in the pandemic upheaval. It’s a different thing to realize that he never wants to have children.
Better to divorce now and not waste your time given that YOU know what is important to YOU.