Dating a young lady who’s an aspiring lawyer. We see each other about twice a week on average and text often, although I feel very distant. I don’t know how to pinpoint if this is a personal problem or if she’s just too busy for me. Our phone convos lack substance and frankly the only times I feel connected are when we’re in person through physical touch. I’m in the stem field so our interactions are almost alien sometimes, we see things differently. Lately she’s taking an hour every other text to respond and I understand she’s busy but it’s led me to raise some concerns. We’ve had a rocky past and a couple arguments last week. Unfortunately every time I feel distant I get the need to download dating apps to meet other women. Guilt gets to me though and I delete it shortly after if not the same day. Do I want to be single? She’s a great girl with alot to offer, except I’m not absolutely convinced and feel that’s a problem. I’ve communicated this to her and she tries her best to send pictures or whatever the case may be to connect somehow through text. I feel something missing and don’t know what it is. I want to be with her but I also have a strong desire to meet or interact with other women. Can someone help me decipher if this is a me problem?


13 comments

  1. How long have you been together? It sounds like you two might not be a good fit for each other. Relationships should be easy in the beginning IMO.

    Are you generally fine with this level of contact and the substance of the contact is the issue, or do you just want to see her more? Seems like you kind of already know what you want here.

  2. Damn dude u guys are only dating and already having arguments?

    Side note if you ever look up who “not to date” usually it’s cops and lawyers as the top rated. Lawyers because just from what I’ve read, they like to argue and ultimately win since that is their spiel. 

    But in all seriousness sounds like it’s not a good match if your needs aren’t being met. But also u guys are just dating and lawyers are busy as F so you yourself have to understand that. People can’t always be next to their phones. Even if they are, they sometimes need the mental capacity to respond properly or you might just get an “okay good” type of response

  3. You’re just incompatible. People can be right on paper but just not mesh well in personality or meeting each other’s needs. Given some queues, ex, calling a woman you’re dating ‘young lady’, you seem to be dating below your age level and might have expected some modicum of fawning or overt prioritization based on stereotypes about women of a certain age, and it’s concerningly emotionally immature that rather than breaking up with this girl that you don’t like, you’re downloading dating apps behind her back as an out instead.

  4. If you guys are off to this bad of a start, it’s probably best just to end it now. Sounds stressful and depressing already

  5. 38m. I’m on a 10 year dry spell & never had a long term relationship.

    I would walk away if i was arguing a couple times a week. Don’t be that desperate.

  7. Obviously every relationship has its ups and downs, but dating someone shouldn’t make you feel bad, especially if it’s relatively new. You’re allowed to determine your own needs, and the ones you’ve mentioned (feeling connected, texting frequency, etc.) are not unreasonable. You don’t need to change and neither does she; it just sounds like the two of you aren’t really compatible. It’s no one’s fault, but you ought to end it before the arguments get too bad or you start cheating on her.

  8. As a guy married to a lawyer, this will absolutely NOT get better down the road. If you’re already having an issue, let her go.

  9. She is not into you. Move on. No, really, move on. Ask yourself if she was being texted by one of her movie idols would she be too busy? No? She will make it work somehow? The reason why she is too busy for you is because she is not into you.

  10. I immediately recognized you guys dont seem compatible in the first 1/3 of the post. Why force something thats obviously not there and not working for you ?

  11. One thing I can tell you is when you’re with the right person, you will just know. Everything will click and there will be no doubt.

    Aside from that, a few questions: How long have y’all been dating? If it has only been a few months, and you’re already arguing, that’s a red flag.

    If it has been longer than a year, what’s preventing your relationship from being more? As in, seeing each other more, moving in together, getting engaged, etc…?

    Not that there is any rush for that, but for a long term relationship where you live in close proximity, it seems like you may not be physically together as much as you probably should be.

    Which is another point: When you’re not together, it’s very easy to misinterpret things. One person sees an unreplied text and feels neglected or slighted, when the other person is actually just busy and is saving a response for when they have the time to dedicate fully to you.

    So to answer your question, yeah, it feels like you may not be getting your emotional needs met. But that doesn’t mean your current relationship is unrepairable. Just that you probably need to spend more time, physically, together. And if you both are unable or unwilling to do that, perhaps its time to find someone who is willing to.

  13. You expect your texts to be responded to within an hour? During the work day? What?

    Lawyers have to go to trial and can be in long extended back to back client calls

    I work in tech but I can’t focus and be productive if I’m always checking my phone for personal matters. I need deep flow states of at least a few hours. Sometimes I have meetings back to back and barely have time to pee much less write a thoughtful response or watch the 20 minute video he sent me. Some days I just wait until work is done to respond to non-emergency texts

    I long for the days when the interruptions of smart phones didn’t exist. You don’t have to have to an IV drip of texts with your SO to have a healthy relationship

    You sound exhausting if the moment you feel bad you go seek validation from women on apps. Do you not have a job? Hobbies? Friends? Gym? Chores? How do you have time to have a girlfriend and a job and pursue other women for attention?

    Regulate your own emotions, seek therapy, or sit down and talk with your partner after work about your emotions. Or break up. Rushing to get attention from random women online is not a healthy coping strategy

    If you want a tradwife who has nothing better to do than text you all day, then go find her and pay all her bills, and stop seeking out working professional women who have responsibilities. Those tradwife types are out there but there are tradeoffs. You want to date a successful high-income woman she’s gonna have to actually…work…which means less time for you. Especially if she’s hot and socially balanced because she has to spend time maintaining her body and friend group. The most attractive people are high maintenance on themselves which means less time to fawn over you

    Lawyers and doctors tend to date each other because they get the high pressure lifestyle

    Honestly the most lovey dovey relationships I know are between fat, awkward, and poor people because they pour every ounce of energy into each other, and not into their health, friends, or job

    Google “self-soothing and anxious attachment style” as a start

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