My husband is adamant that he isn’t physically abusive towards me, he doesn’t punch me or slap me, more so he would aggressively push me out of the way, grab my arm and squeeze it or like start punching the bed right beside where I am sitting etc in rage. He has hit a wet cloth in my face before and it stung quite badly. But even after these arguments, he is adamant that he wasn’t aggressive in any shape or form, he simply says he walked past me to get past or moved me aside.
In the situations like that, my adrenaline is pumping and I have like a delayed reaction where I hit back, I don’t even know why but he’ll go to storm off and I’ll run and like hit his back etc. i don’t even know why I do it, it’s like my body has a delayed reaction. But it leaves him then stating I’m the abuser. And maybe I am in those situations? So I’m left feeling horrible too.
He will storm out of the house and not come back, when I ring him he’ll explain he’s driving so fast and he’s clearly agitated which worries me. So now I am very clear in arguments I don’t want him to leave the house, I’d rather talk it out. But then he insists I’m controlling.
I feel like I’m going insane, I can’t tell anyone, he twists it into me being a psycho etc and I can’t cope anymore. Right now he stormed off, said he was coming home and it’s been 3 hours and he ignored all my calls etc.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for here. I’ll likely delete this. Thanks for reading if you have got this far.
TLDR; husband puts the blame on me being crazy and I feel like I am going insane. I can’t tell anyone as he regularly changes and seems to love me again. Every time I tell my feelings to him, he twists it and I’m in the wrong apparently.
9 comments
What’s keeping you in this relationship? I know that leaving is hard and often takes a lot of time and effort to get out, but it’s something you should seriously examine. But turning everything back on you and craving that you or the abuser and you are the emotional one is a common tactic, and part of keeping you in his control and in the cycle of abuse.
Like let’s say even if we took a “both sides are wring” approach, That’s just as much a reason to end things so you can take time to work on yourself. But again, you should get out and find some support outside of normal friends/family so you can get grounded and orient yourself
Call a domestic violence hotline (or text or web chat). He is physically abusive, a gaslighter, and very dangerous. Getting help from experts on how to get out and stay safe is important.
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> maybe I am in those situations?
No. Not at all. You are the victim. You’re not the wrongdoer here. He’s gaslighting you into thinking he’s innocent of any blame, but it’s just not true.
The abusive-to-loving change is called the cycle of abuse. Abusers are pros at being charming so that no one would ever believe they’re capable of hurting someone. It’s sickening.
You don’t mention what kind of support system you have. Do you have friends or family you can turn to?
If your husband is home right now, do not pack, do not prepare, do not do anything unseemly. But in your head and like you to start to make a checklist of all of the things that you need so that the second he leaves, you can spring into action and pack your bags even faster.
When he is gone, I’d like for you to pack your bags and head to a family member’s house. Maybe your mother or an uncle. Someone on your side of the family. Someone that you trust.
I’d like you to tell them everything that’s been going on.
I’d like you to sleep. I’d like you to feel safe.
After that I’d like you to make some arrangements to pick up your pets, anyting where the County license is in your name. You can pack up your stuff with that person there as well.
The good news is that you can get an annulment within two years of getting married. So you have lots of time to go through that legal process, but it sounds like you were worried about your pets so let’s get you packed up and out of there.
We also need to get a police report, that will help tremendously. You know how you were worried about him lying about everything? With a police report it is as if he is trying to push a boulder up a mountain, his words will be that ineffective. When you are at your safe place you can call the cops and start up your police report. You need those pictures of your bruises and marks so try not to sleep too long.
If you have nowhere to go and no family on your side that you trust, you can potentially call the cops now and explain what has been going on. They will document and take pictures. If you have bruises or marks then they will likely take him to jail right then and there and you can use that time when he is gone to prepare your plans.
Every single detail in your post is an example of abuse, manipulation, control, and/or gaslighting. He will only get worse as time goes by. And when you do get to the point of escaping him, he’ll act sorry and remorseful but only for a while. Then he’ll isolate you from anyone who could help.
He’s not a good man.
I would like you to leave a note telling him you’re going away for the weekend to think things through. You’ll b at so and so home. Get out of there. Can you support yourself? Go to the woman’s abuse shelter in your community. Does he drink
If so, does he get nasty when he drinks.
The one thing you must do is protect yourself.
Tell him when he wants to talk, that he may never brush past you in a rough manner again. He’s trying to hit you without picking up his hand. Next time he gets angry and abusive go out your phone on video. You will then have him on tape.
You must tell this to your therapist.
What is he angry about?
Is he stressed
I think it’s always better to get yourself to a safe place. Then work on the how’s and why’s later
If you’re living this daily, it’s no wonder why you’re anxious. What about a sister? Brother
my abuse started three months into my marriage and i didn’t get out for another 4.5 years. don’t be like me.
I think you should try and extract yourself from the situation if you can. Things like this start to escalate, and then it might be too late to get out. If you don’t have no kids, I say make a clean break. It’s easier said then done, but you don’t want to die of a brain injury next time he pushes you too hard. Just my 2 cents