I (19F) have been with my boyfriend (21M) for two years now. We are great together and both want to be child free, have the same type of goals for the future and it’s overall great. But he still lives with his parents, and doesn’t feel ready to move out.
We broke up once already, and i know his MIL was trying to convince him to not get back together with me at that time. Ever since she heard we got back together she’s been giving me the cold shoulder and even told me to get a therapist. It’s been a year and nothing has changed.
This past weekend we got into a little argument. She and SIL got involved because he tells his family everything, which just made things worse and he broke up again the next day. I’ve been doing everything right since then, and we’ve been in touch, he still talks to me everyday and is coming to my place tomorrow. He told me he still loves me and that maybe if his parents didn’t get involved none of that would have happened. Even tho he was the one to break things off, he seemed way more hurt than me all week and i saw that he was very exhausted.
I don’t know if he will want to get back together with me, but i really hope he will. But I know if he does and tells them, they will tell him to break things off with me again, which is going to hurt us both even more.
I don’t know what to do, i wish he didn’t listen to his family that much. I feel like im going to explode someday but I don’t want to let him go either because I still love him very much and I know if he moved out everything would be different. I still hope he will get back together with me tomorrow. I don’t know what i should do or say if we do in fact get back together.
**Tl;dr : MIL gets in our relationship all the time and I’m pretty sure that’s why my boyfriend broke up with me. I see him tomorrow and I don’t know what to do if we get back together because i can’t keep up like this.**
7 comments
I’m sorry, but you two have broken up twice already. On again off again relationships happen because of really big problems within the relationship. I think there’s a lot more to your issues than anything about his family; it’s just easier and more comfortable for you to blame them.
Because of how enmeshed he is with his family, they are a package deal: as long as you are dating *him*, you will be dating *them* as well.
So choose which you want *more*:
1. Him *in* your life, or
2. Them *out* of your life?
Because you cannot have both.
> i wish he didn’t listen to his family that much
Wish that all you like, but you have neither the power nor the right to change that about him.
You cannot date who you *wish* he were.
Even if he *does* come back, the only person you can date is *the person he chooses to be*. And he *chooses* to be enmeshed with his mommy and his sister.
So you have to date *that* person.
Or, you know, *don’t*.
OK so MIL stands for mother in law. You do not have a mother in law, nor do you have a sister in law. In laws are a spouse’s relatives.
Whether or not you like your ex boyfriend’s mother or sister is completely inconsequential. Your issue is with him.
He broke up with you. He will continue to break up with you if you continue to reconcile with him. If you like that, then keep going back to him I guess.
Your boyfriend is the problem here. He isn’t standing up for you. He doesn’t have your back and he clearly can’t stand up to his mother and sister. This relationship is not worth saving until he chooses to grow up and have your back like a real solid relationship. You are waiting for and dating a child basically who can’t let go of his mother and sister. Not only that but he shouldn’t be sharing everything with his mother when he knows you guys are on rocky footing. And not only that but some things aren’t meant to be shared with family. Therefore you cannot trust him because anything you tell him will be used against you at some point.
My advice is to leave him alone and stop trying to be with him. You don’t get along with his family and he can’t find his independence. Like you want to be apart of a family that hates you forever? And you want to be with a guy who’s family tells him to leave you on a daily basis? How well do you think any of this would go if you were married? His family doesn’t want you. They have poisoned his mind against you and the more time you waste with him the less time you’ll have to get to know someone who will stand up for you and have your back. Not only that but you should be with someone who’s family supports you guys and also has your back.
Alas, you are still young and you have plenty of time to find someone suitable for you. So stop wasting your time on this worthless relationship that won’t last longer than a few years. It’s time to move on and find someone who will give a damn about you. This isn’t it.
He broke up with you two times because of his family. Now I ask you, do you think you can deal with it the rest of your life? Because even if you dont like your in-laws, its not fair to keep your bf for bonding with his family.
The question is: will you be able to handle his family? Is he worth the trouble? Is there any chance of you talking to your in-laws and see why they don’t like you? Maybe you guys can understand each other.
But one thing is right, you guys needs to trace a plan, talk about avoiding his family, he needs to stand for you when his family is mistreating you and that he cant keep breakong up and ketting back as his mom commands him to.
Serious question: Why don’t they like you? Is it purely spite, prejudice, control, etc. without you having done anything or do they have legitimate reasons to be concerned for their son/brother? Is there a reason she suggested you see a therapist? Are there things that have happened in your relationship that have been problematic? Are you an appropriate guest in their home given that he lives there? I can keep going, but the context really matters here. She didn’t just tell you to see a therapist out of nowhere. That really does indicate there is something happening that she is finding concerning. What is it?
For example, if she doesn’t like you because you did something abusive or violated his trust that’s a different matter than if she doesn’t like you because you’re studying X in school and she’d prefer he be with someone who is studying Y. To be clear, if the relationship is unhealthy enough that it is off and on, they probably have some reason to be concerned about whether this is the healthiest relationship for him. If he is saying negative things about you when you do break-up that’s probably also a factor to consider. Especially if his mother was a lot colder to you after the two of you got back together. Him telling them everything is a problem and if what he is telling them is problematic, their concern may be understandable. It’s not unreasonable for a parent to not want their child in a tumultuous relationship where unhealthy things are happening. When he’s telling them about your fights is he also telling them about things you’re doing that would be alarming for most loved ones to hear?
Regardless, the issue isn’t that they dislike you, the issue is that you and your boyfriend seem to have some issues and he isn’t holding great boundaries with his family. You’re calling these people in-laws when you’re just dating and when he isn’t even ready to move out of his home/ live as an adult. If he’s this dependent on his family and this open with them about the problems in your relationship, this is probably not the right relationship for you. It’s not all going to be different if he moves out because they are still his family and will likely be in his life in some capacity for the foreseeable future.
The crucial takeaway from all of this is not “He told me he still loves me and that maybe if his parents didn’t get involved none of that would have happened.” The crucial takeaway should be that if he didn’t chose to involve his family, they probably would be less concerned, but that you are dating a man who is involved with his family.
If you do decide to get back together, he needs to recognize and set appropriate boundaries with his family and the two of you need to work to resolve whatever issues are leading to you having “little arguments” that then get shared with the entire family. The relationship isn’t that great if you are periodically fighting and can’t resolve conflict as a couple without at least one of you involving other people.
We are all products of our relationship ecosystems and when you date someone you are also essentially dating their whole ecosystem for better or worse. It’s incredibly difficult to date someone who’s hole FOO dislikes you, and it’s basically impossible to date someone who has that FOO AND who won’t back you up. Look up Gottman relationship science papers (they are the leading edge on relationship/couples psychology) and you will see that based on everything we know, your relationship is likely to continue in cycles of frustration before ultimately ending in heartbreak for you. If your (ex) BF wanted to stick up for you, he would. If he wanted a future with you, he wouldn’t be trapping you in a cycle of breaking up an reconciling. You are both young and learning what kind of relationships you want out of life, and it sounds like he is still spinning his wheels and you have a more defined vision but struggle with recognizing this is not a good fit for you. Your (ex) BF could be the worlds most amazing person and partner independent of his family, but if he isn’t willing to set boundaries with them while they constantly undermine your relationship, all that potential wonderfulness doesn’t mean anything – promises promises. Don’t get hung up on the “potential” in people (especially men with FOO issues) and find someone who is on the same page as you relationship wise without you having to constantly be on the defensive with them.