I love my wife. We have been married for 10+ years, have a couple of beautiful kids, and what I think is a good relationship. We both have fulltime jobs as teachers, which takes a lot of time and energy for both of us; but we make it work. Yeah, we have the typical problems; but have always been able to work though it. We communicate well and understand each others needs. She was my first sweetheart and we’ve never been unfaithful.
My wife is extremely smart and talented with all things writing. She can whip up a short story, essay, or script faster than anyone I know. Her favorite genre is Romance. I am okay with this, because we both know it’s totally fantasy. I even tease her about reading those “lady books” and she sometimes tell me about the juicy-yet-gawdawful plots. She’s even tried her hand at writing a few romance novels of her own. Nothing published; but I think they would be a best seller.
Lately, however, i’ve noticed her staying up late. Not just reading, but typing too. Curiosity got the better of me, so when her phone was left unattended, i snuck a peak. I found she had joined the “DirtyPenPals” subreddit. She’s been posting some short sex story starters and seeking others to rollplay out the scenes. I was in shock! I skimmed the messages and see where she’s been in contact with a few people.
Part of me wants to believe she’s just scratching an itch, or working out her literary fantasy. Her demeanor toward me hasn’t changed. She still acts like a great wife and mom. Maybe this is just a phase that will pass? But I can’t have her sexting with other men. That crosses a line. I need to confront her about this.
Any tips on how to navigate these waters? Am I being delusional and just telling myself that it’s okay when things really aren’t? Someone talk to me straight before my marriage kits the rocks. I want to scream and pound my fists into the wall. I want to sit and cry. But I don’t want to lose her.
TL;DR: My wife has been secretly active on r/DirtyPenPals. How should I handle confronting her?
24 comments
just talk to her.
Ask her why she’s cheating on you. This would definitely be cheating in my marriage. Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. How bout you.
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>Her favorite genre is Romance. I am okay with this, because we both know it’s totally fantasy
This is disturbing to me. You’re “okay” with this? Why wouldn’t you be? That you had to specifically state you’re ok with something that shouldn’t even be an issue is probably why she felt the need to keep her extracurricular writing secret. And instead of asking her what she’s doing, you snoop through her phone? WTF dude?! You don’t need to “confront” her. Try having an adult conversation, starting with how you violated her privacy. Next time, talk to her first.
If the genders were switched every comment would say its emotional cheating 🤷♂️
If she were just writing stories, I’d just consider it an outlet for her, but if she’s contacting others for roleplay, especially behind your back, then yes, that’s cheating
Just confront her about what you saw and tell her that she crossed the line
It’s all fantasy until she started to interact with another man. I would expect the guy to get to know more about her and her life after they have engaged in sexually explicit role play. This is how affairs start.
She is on a slippery slope and not respecting your marriage, relationship, and (what should be considered respectful) boundaries.
A discussion should be had immediately and some conversation about how she thought this would be ok in the context of your marriage. If she has been upfront with you from the beginning, that would be less sketchy; but the fact she is hiding her new “hobby” is the concern.
Emotional affair. Try r/asoneafterinfidelity and their wiki for resources if you are inclined towards reconciliation. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com has good resources for whatever you decide
I would make a new account, and send her this starter on her cheating account:
*”You’re alone in your house, standing in the kitchen where the AC is broken and it’s unbearably hot. Suddenly there is a knock on the door. Warily, you cross the floor, mind racing through the possibilities of who it could be. You’re not expecting a package today, although you’d like one…*
*You open the door, and in front of you stands a tall, muscular man in a sheriff’s uniform.*
*”Excuse me, ma’am” he says, tilting his sunglasses down so you can see his piercing blue eyes, “Are you WIFE’S NAME?”*
*”Why yes, yes I am officer. Have I done something wrong?” you ask, tilting your head slightly?*
*Smirking, he reaches under his jacket and pulls out an envelope, mysterious and unmarked.*
*”I’m here to officially serve you with your notification that your husband has filed for divorce, because you’re a lying cheater who has cybersex with other men online. Better get a lawyer. “*
Also, make sure you get screenshots and pictures before you do, including a video of the login details being on her computer, and leading to these communications.
Erotic fiction is porn targeted towards women – if anything I’d say she is showing signs of **porn addiction**.
If it is something she feels compelled to actively ***hide from you*** then it is (at the very least borderline) cheating.
A compromise would be to get involved with her in this – maybe roleplaying some of the fantasies she is writing about? It could be mutually beneficial.
But, if you’re not comfortable then this needs to be a boundary that needs to be discussed – and if it feels like cheating, do you want to stick around while she does it behind your back?
As a wife and romance writer, my husband and I would both have issues with this behavior. We would both count that as cheating, so it’s a boundary I would never cross. It’s the same as having sex with someone, just with words across a screen. It’s at least an “emotional affair.”
I think it’s cheating. I would probably end my marriage over this.
Join the same subreddit with an anonymous account and play a stranger, see if she is really upto something or not
Updateme!
Updateme!
Wow, Reddit surprises me at every turn….
Assuming there’s been no hanky panky with an actual, specific person, I’d treat this as an opportunity to start a conversation about how you two can spice up your love life a bit and maybe take your relationship to a new level. You said it yourself: writing is her medium, so it’s how she processes shit. As long as it’s not directed at someone specific and there’s nothing going on outside that sub (AKA texts, DMs, Snaps, etc.), she’s just exploring that side of herself. If you’re not joining that conversation, you’re going to get left behind. Bring it up for sure, but don’t approach it from a place of accusation or anger.
UpdateMe!
UpDateMe!
Please take liladybug81 advice and up date up . Anytime and anything that takes away from your relationship is cheating she invested Tim and effort in this pass time and takes it form you and the marriage. I would expect if you tried this she would call you out on it so it’s only logical that you should take action. The above reditor gives a totally original way to do it .
I’m gonna try and respect the fact that not everyone has the relationship I do but – why does it matter? I have a burner reddit that my husband knows about where I post nudes and roleplay the stuff my husband isn’t interested in. It’s not inherently cheating.
The idea of “I can’t have her doing XYZ” sounds so controlling to me, it icks me out. Maybe she didn’t tell you about it because of the way you act in your relationship, and she just wants to masturbate on her own terms.
Calm down and talk to her about it from a place of judgement-free curiosity. Maybe you guys can work out some boundaries that feel good for *both* of you rather than you dictating what you can or can’t “have her do” (yuck, really, the douchechills from that sentence ugh).
What you consider cheating is extremely important. Best way is to be direct, let her know what you found, and ask why she’s doing it. I made the mistake of confronting my partner with something similar, but was harsh and accusatory, and he left me. So if you love her, approach with compassion but don’t forget about your own boundaries.
Updateme!
I’m not ready to light fire to the whole thing here as others are. Now, is what she’s done as bad as fucking someone? No. Is it a betrayal of your marriage? Yes.
Is it salvageable? Maybe. Your marriage has hit the rocks. Please note: you did NOT steer it there, but it’s there.
Take a few hours to yourself. Go to a coffee shop. Think about what the next steps after you talk to her are, what she’ll need to agree to to more forward (this will vary depending on your own personal needs, but marriage counseling has to be #1).
Send the kids to the grandparents or to a sleepover for the night. Sit down with her once they are gone and settled, and be ready to dig it, it’s going to be a long night. Tell her. Tell her why you were curious, and that you didn’t like that you were looking at her phone, but you found these things. You need to talk about it. You need to tell her how and why it hurt you. And let her talk as well. You’ll have to listen to each other to get through this.
But you dictate what the next steps are. You lay out what you’ve already thought about. And you get both of your asses to couples counseling asap. And if she can’t agree to that, lawyer up.