Hi there reddit!
You are my last fort of advice since I really dont know what to do. I know that asking strangers to chime into the issue might not be the best solution, but I need an unbiased opinion about all… this. So I am together with my GF for the last 6 years when I was 21 and she was 19. We met together at a party (cliché, I know) and she struck a cord. I was pretty upset at the time after a relationship I did not pursue and I had a very low self esteem. The next day I sent her a meme (a whale waving with the tagline "Whale hello there") thinking that she would not even respond, but she did and pretty soon we were "a thing". Fast forward 6 months we are living together, we never split after this. There were ups and downs but we managed through each time. After 6 years I really think that our relationship should go to the next level but I have two significant issues that really holding me up from continuing. Every time I second guess myself if I am doing the right thing.
The first issue is both really important for me but for many of you might seem very selfish. I even hessitate typing it out right now. Sex is… sporadic at best. I window of 1-2 Months might pass between our intimate sessions, and this is something that happened from the start. At first I really though the issue is me, that something was wrong with either the way I approched things or that maybe I could not "turn her up". I've tried close to everything but still, the issue persists and not for a lack of trying. We got toys, I am always trying to "romance up" the atmosphere but when I try to advance she is either tired, felling dirty and do not want me to approach this area or not in the mood. Sometimes she said that she does not feel good with herself (she is a bit chubby) and that is why she does not feel comfortable. Because the rest of the relationship was going smoothly, I always said that I was the weird "horned up" guy and always found excuses for her behaviour. I even checked with a doctor that actually found less testosterone than normal in my blood so I should have less urges. We had conversations many times about this and I brought up extensively to try and find help for this issue but she always down played this and I did not wanted to push things… 2 months ago we had a long conversation/arguement about this and she promised to work this out but nothing came after this. Yesterday we had a small arguement again about the issue (for context, I had to go on a small 1,5 week business trip, let her behind and returned 3 days ago), I told her how she cannot have the urge to do something after I got back and she down played it once more, telling me that she is just stressed from work and mentioning "Again with this fucking issue…". I really dont know what to say now. I know that maybe I am the problem and maybe the issue exists only for me. Maybe I shouldn't care if the rest of my relationship is great but for me, this is an issue. Urges of cheating came to me but I love her and I would not even like to think about making something that hurts her.
Please do not berate me in the comments. I already feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable for opening up for this.
Second issue is that she did not came into my father's funeral. 3 years ago, my father unexpectedly passed away. Due to us living in an island far from my hometown, I knew that she could not come or take a leave from her work. I came to terms with this. In six months after his death, we had a memorial service for my dad. This time, she actually was with her parents that were close by, so she could easily come. After much debating about time planning, meals with her parents after the memorial service (she actually wanted us to leave in a hurry, even in the middle of the service), I told her that there is no need for her to come and when the memorial service concludes I would come to her hometown. Beacuse though this was a pretty important and vulnerable state for me, I really though she would come. She did not, I was devistated. I really wanted my partner to be beside me and help me with this difficult procedure. She eventually said that she did not understood what that ment for me, she asked for forgiveness and we continued on. Now, with me wanting to actually propose to her, this events come to mind and even though we have continued our relationship, I dont know if I have or can actually forgive her. I was there, from day 0. to every important day of hers but in my most important and heartbreaking day for me, she was absent and wanted me to have dinner with her family just after.
So reddit, please help me. I dont know what to do. I love her to pieces and I know that I can overlook those things but I am torn. What is your opinion on these things? How can we actually solve them and continue forward?
tl;dr I want to propose to my gf of 6 years but we have sporadical intimate time (at best) and she was absent to one of my most important days of my life. I actually want to try and solve these issues so we can continue on.