Throwaway account to protect privacy. Sorry in advance for the long post and for any errors – English is not my first language. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have a 2 year old son. Prior to our son being born I never noticed any real anger issues with my husband. After our son was born I noticed that my husband would get very angry when he wouldn’t sleep and would often resort to yelling and slamming doors – this started when our son was around 4 months. I told my husband this wasn’t OK and he sought some help and started some meds for anxiety. Things have improved a bit but bedtime and night wakings still seem to be a big trigger. I try to intervene but my husband will often refuse to leave the room, or if he eventually does (I literally have to stand between him and our son’s bed and say GTFO – not great) he will stomp down the hall and slam the door which scares our son. My husband never blames me and knows that this is something he has to work on himself. He has never been physically abusive to me and I do not believe he would be. We have started couples therapy and are both in individual therapy but I just want to know if anyone else have been through this and if you were able to see improvement and reubuild trust? Or did you leave? For more context I am a survivor of sexual abuses and I find this behaviour very triggering and I worry that even if he gets better that I will not be able to feel safe again. Thank you!
14 comments
You’re doing the right things with counseling.
I personally would ask him to move out until he has things under control. His behavior is triggering for you and has impacts on your child. Just because the kid is 2 doesn’t mean that he doesn’t pick up on things and/or feel fearful.
That’s a no no. Anger has no place in a 2 yo life.. he needs to get it in control. And you are doing the right thing by stepping in. Even if your literally in between them.. protect your child at all costs. That’s #1
Counseling is the right step and you are taking that.
Point out at calm times that yelling at babies is something they really don’t understand and will wind up upsetting them and not getting them to stop. A parenting class may be a good idea for him. Its not something that comes Naturally to everyone
Tell him that until he gets his anger under control, he can’t live with you. You should refuse to live in a house where he thinks it’s acceptable to tell at a toddler.
Every time he yells and acts angry, he is traumatizing your child, and the more he does it, the more emotionally damaged your child will become. This is abuse, and abuse doesn’t have to be physical to hand lifelong consequences.
If he can’t or won’t stop this behavior, you absolutely must remove your child from this toxic environment. Be your child’s protector.
I stumbled on this post on tumblr the other day which might help.
https://psychoticallytrans.tumblr.com/post/685154429422436352/i-had-severe-anger-issues-growing-up-and-the-only
Editing to add: This post gives some suggestions on what to if you have anger issues or want to support someone. But I wanted to make it clear that it’s okay to walk away. You do what’s best for you and your child.
If he’s to the point where he is literally REFUSING to stop screaming at a baby, he needs to not be there until he can control himself. That’s bare minimum. A very low bar to clear.
His need to throw full-on toddler tantrums NEVER supersedes everyone else’s right to a safe home.
I was in your situation too. Kept giving him chances thinking that things would get better. They never did. The yelling was eventually followed by pushing, then hitting… It all stopped when I divorced him and showed my evidence at court.
Divorce is what helped me. I have teenagers now who are still in therapy because of their verbally abusive father. Tried the therapy and everything else, never worked because he didn’t want to change. My ex never yelled at any other children, even his little nieces and nephews when we took care of them.
Your husband is a grown ass man who is choosing to scream at a child. He can stop, he’s choosing not to. He even chooses to stay in the room and keep going. Therapy can help, but it takes years of intense therapy and the person wanting to change for it to happen. He needs to stop now, not in a year or five years, because the damage he is causing right now in your son’s developing brain is massive and irreversible.
Please protect your child from this. Abuse is not just physical violence
Yelling is never acceptable. He needs to leave
Your husband’s attempts at screaming your son to sleep is going to make bed time anxiety-inducing for your poor kid. Shockingly, that’s unlikely to make him go to sleep faster. The fact that this has been going on since the kid was an infant is just… heinous.
Stop thinking about what this is doing to you and start thinking about your child. What do you think it does to your son that nights are “dad gets irrationally angry at me o’clock”? He’s never been violent with you, but what about your kid? How is your son ever going to be able to trust his father? Is this going to give him life long problems?
Until your husband can control himself, you can’t have him in the boy’s life.
I have been where you are, My ex and baby daddy was so angry, all the damn time.
It didn’t matter what or who he would just scream and slam doors and spout out threats. The day I realised I had to leave was the day my baby was teething and crying in the morning, he nearly ripped the bedroom door off it’s hinges and just started screaming at the baby, shoving his finger at the little one and causing baby to go hysterical. no matter how many times I tried I could not get him to stop, so I did the one thing I had left, I broke his line of sight by rotating my body so my baby was behind me (he was on my hip as I tried to soothe him) when his eyes lifted up to mine the only thing that popped into my hear was “i’m dead, he’s gonna kill me”
He stomped away and slammed the door, but that was it for me, I was done.
You need to understand that your son is supremely affected by thins, he is terrified of his father and it is a very toxic environment for him to be in. please choose your child over this. please get out, untill he goes and gets therapy, until he goes and proves to you he has this under control, (and that takes a lot of time, not just 2 couch sessions and he’s cured) he needs to be supervised with the child at all times.
how much more trauma are you gonna put that little boy through?
He’s traumatizing your child. You need to protect the kid and get him away from your husband until he gets his anger under control. Realistically, that could be never. But it sounds like he’s trying, so there is hope.
Please put the kid’s safety first. He doesn’t deserve this.