I know from the title, it is already obvious that she is justified to build the life she deserves and I should not hamper her, but I'd appreciate advice on how to deal with this. I guess this is more to vent and get down my thoughts in writing.
I've been with my girlfriend 2y ears now, and recently, she has made it clear that she is not happy with the direction of the relationship.
We live in different cities, but see each other 2-3 times a month on weekends. We originally met while I lived in her city, but I moved home after studies finished because of the job market in my field.
We have a great relationship, and I truly love her. Unfortunately I have had some events that have complicated my life in the last few years.
My mother (53) was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers, and has rapidly deteriorated in the past year, at first she became more quiet and clumsy, but now she can not function by herself.
She gets lost going to the local shop and word recall and speech has become very difficult. (posterior cortical atrophy is a form of Alzheimers that presents initial symptoms slightly differently but ultimately results in the same late stage).
Naturally, this has put tremendous stress on my father who has had a very difficult, high stress career. We are not rich, but we have been able to afford a comfortable middle class life.
He is no longer able to work, he just doesn't have any gas in the tank left, and it's fair enough. He was ultimately laid off a few months ago and is forced to retire and become a full time carer at the age of 57. What this means is that financial concerns have become a much larger problem as a result of this situation.
So because of that, I have moved in and feel it's the right thing for me to assist in caretaking and being present. I have also started a new job 3 months ago after studying for the last few years. The job does not pay amazing but there is significant room for future growth based on performance, so I feel compelled to focus on succeeding, so that I can assist my parents (and myself) financially.
So I feel tied to this home situation, as my mother will be rapidly continuing to degrade over the next year or two, and ultimately the probability is she will be dead within 5 years. But unfortunately with alzheimers, the last couple of years can be worse than death. So this may be the last time I am able to spend time with her.
My girlfriend is a scientific researcher, who works with a specialist in her area at the university, so I would not want her to move from that position for the sake of her career. She has made overtures in that direction before, but I have rebuffed her because I want her to succeed and do amazing in the long term.
So the situation is already messy, but beyond that, I am clearly not happy about my current state, and that's reflected in the fact that I don't give her what she deserves. I find it difficult to commit to long term life plans, I feel so extremely unsure and indecisive about what I want for my future ultimately. Where I want to live, what I want to do long term for work. I am just taking it day by day, whilst she wants to know what life together will look like in 5-10-15 years.
Moving in is the first step, but she also wants kids within 2-3 years. I love kids but that is the last thing on my mind now. She plays it down because she loves me and doesn't want to lose me, but I know she wants this.
So all that being said, it seems like parting ways is the most sensible but painful decision, but there are a few reasons why it's not;
Firstly, we get on really well. We rarely fight and when we do we usually are both able to voice our concerns and communicate and, after cooling off, make ammends. We both have been able to make compromises for each other, taking turns visiting based on convenience, doing things the other person wants to do. She is extremely kind and considerate.
I have no interest in anyone else, I have zero desire to go back to dating, that was a pain in the arse if I remember correct. She is honestly my ideal partner, I've dated before her and she is definitely the most compatible. If I lose this relationship because of bad timing, it might be something I regret for the rest of my life. I don't know if I'd ever meet another person like that.
The thought of losing her is extremely painful, we have discussed this multiple times and usually end up postponing the conversation because we love each other. But I know she is not having her needs and goals satisfied, and I don't feel at all in a position to make commitments.
But beyond that, I don't know if it's just the cumulative stress, but I have definitely become more cold in recent months. I more often just want to be in my own company and doing my own thing. As I mentioned, it's not something specific about not wanting to be with her as much as a general feeling about being with people in general, I just want to do my work, gym, chores and play games. She has definitely noticed this.
Ultimately, after a recent talk, she has made it clear that she is sick of waiting for my indecision. We are meant to be talking this weekend about it. If I don't commit to moving in and getting on a timeline, I believe she will end it amicably.
I almost just wish I could put my life on pause and live in my own bubble for a year and come back, but other people have to get on with their lives too so no one is waiting for me. But it's not like I can say at the end of that year what I will want. It honestly fluctuates daily between proposing and just sending the settle down route, and fucking off to another part of the world to have an adventure. Don't know what's normal for my age, I don't think there is 'normal', but don't know what I want either.
I do think I'm having some physical issues such as insomnia, which may be a symptom that there is a lot of stress under the hood. I can function and work day to day though, and honestly most of the time don't feel too bad, except for when I think too much about my current predicaments.
She has made it clear she is happy to wait, but I don't want that for her honestly, that's extremely unfair. I genuinely want the best for her.
So I suppose that's the gist of the situation. Don't know what to do, streak of bad luck. Bad timing. Am I being weak? Why am I so indecisive about what I want? I truly have no idea.
TLDR:
Love my girlfriend, but we are on different paths.
Unfortunate series of events in family have complicated my priorities.
Feel indecisive about what I want, and probably suffering from excessive stress.
Honestly I have no idea what to do, all I know is that she deserves the best, and so do I.