I came across a Q&A hosted by Eunice Hong, a certified relationship coach based in NYC, and what she unpacked about *emotional unavailability* (and why we tend to choose people who are so) hit me square in the face 🥲. (Apologies if any ideas are echoes of things that might have already been discussed on this subreddit!) Just wanted to share it here with the hopes that it might resonate with at least one soul out there as it did for me.

So the question was:

**What does it mean about me if I keep choosing emotionally unavailable people?**

Her response boils down to these points:

•Essentially, you are benefiting from part of the equation. There might be parts of you that you have shame around. Perhaps your belief system is founded on this narrative that you’re not *enough*. That you’re not lovable. And so you protect yourself from the other person really seeing who you are *authentically*. In this way, you never have to reveal that side of you. Your thinking is: *if they see this side of me, they will reject me. I don’t deserve this. I’m not loveable.*

•This is a protective mechanism. You keep choosing emotionally unavailable people because they don’t have the capacity for real intimacy either so they’re not going to delve into who you *really* are at the core. And so you’re protecting each other. You’re protecting yourself. You’re protecting one another from **real intimacy**.

•The depth of your connection, if it is strong, is built on *emotional intimacy*. This requires showing up authentically and honestly. Being vulnerable. Revealing your true self. Taking risks by expressing parts of you that you have insecurities around.

If your default is to choose emotionally unavailable people, get radically honest about what part within you is avoiding vulnerability and being seen.

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