TL;DR: wife has extreme fears and severe anxiety but chooses to use our marriage as leverage to keep me from engaging in anything that triggers her fears. She’s now insisting I need therapy to address “the joy I get from triggering her” which is not the case.
We are recently married but dated for 2 years. Unfortunately we began dating right before Covid hit, quarantined together and got to know each other pretty well. I never got a good sense of her anxieties due to restrictions around Covid and being limited in what we could do but one incident stood out to me. Since a child I’ve had dirt bikes, four wheelers and later on sports bikes. A year prior to meeting I suffered a knee injury from an awful motorcycle accident at a closed track race. When she and I met she had several conditions to which she would and would not date someone. No firefighters, no policemen, no mountain climbers, no motorcycle riders, no gun owners, no first responders, no one in the military…etc. She asked if I had plans to ride again and at the time I did not due to the injury and thinking I could never ride again. Luckily I found an amazing PT who helped me rehab to 100% and would love to ride again riding again seeing as it was a huge part of my hobbies but she’s holding the marriage hostage.
This goes beyond just the motorcycle. She’s incapable of driving over bridges and insists that I drive her anytime she has to go to NY due to having to cross the Hudson or the many other large bridges heading into the boroughs. This translates into at least 4 hours on the road (5+ with traffic). For instance she had a bridal shower thrown for her in Brooklyn, we live in NW CT. Saturday mornings I have rec league basketball in a town 15 miles from my home. Because of her fears and inability to divide and conquer or do things without me she insisted I drive her to Brooklyn. When I insisted on her driving herself she tried to cancel HER OWN bridal shower organized by her best so I had to spend over 5 hours in traffic driving her there and coming back. I made her catch a ride with a friend to get back home.
Anytime I bring up possibly getting back into racing she breaks down crying and tells me I’m forcing her to get a divorce. She’s not resilient, she fears everything and I feel it’s impacting my quality of life in a very negative way.
Despite us both being vaccinated and boosted she constantly harasses me about wearing a mask everywhere.
Anytime I have to work late in the city she calls constantly and makes passive aggressive remarks about me having an affair.
I’ve provided her a great life, I’m honest with her and I communicate openly and genuinely. We live on a lake in rural CT which is possibly the least stressful environment one could be in but she finds things to be afraid of. I recently began looking at homesteading acreage in upstate NY. When discussing my plans with her the immediate response is “why do you want all that land? Something could happen to us out there and no one would know”. This shit is so exhausting. I love her and she’s a beautiful person inside and out but her fears are killing any respect I have for her. She loves from a place of fear and is the only limiting factor in my life. She’s in therapy but I’m seeing no improvements and she’s began insisting I go to therapy to understand “why I like triggering her”… What advice can you fine folks offer or should I just call it quits. We have a big wedding celebration planned in Germany next month but I’m tempted to cancel everything over this.
20 comments
She’ll have even less incentive to work on her phobias after you get married. It’s concerning that she is now framing your desire to live a normal life as a desire to deliberately trigger her. That’s an extremely convoluted way of not taking any responsibility.
I feel like this might be a “call it quits”. She’s already in therapy, and with fears this extensive it could take at minimum half a year or longer to even start discussing them in depth, and that doesn’t even include the amount of time it will take for her to face them, conquer them, and be able to live life out from under their thumb.
Therapy isn’t instant, it takes a long time.
Her not wanting to date someone who rides a motorcycle is within her rights. That’s a deal breaker for her, and that’s okay. People have their deal breakers, as silly as you might think they are! But they’re allowed that privilege in who they date and who they marry.
It’s not right that she’s trying to force you to bend to her boundaries though. You deserve to be your own person, and it sounds like you won’t be able to do that with her.
Oh wow. If you can somehow convince her to consider medication and therapy, I think it could be really beneficial. (Speaking from my experience as a very anxious person medication is life changing.) You could even say “I’ll go to therapy if you go to therapy as well,” maybe that would convince her. Because ngl you probably do need therapy right now to deal with her lack of therapy and to decide how to move forward with all of this. That’s true even if she doesn’t go
>Despite us both being vaccinated and boosted she constantly harasses me about wearing a mask everywhere.
I see no need for you two to wear masks in your own home. But for sure, it is prudent to continue wearing masks when indoors anywhere, or in close proximity to people outdoors. Being vaccinated reduces your chances of needing to be hospitalized and somewhat reduces your chances of catching covid (but, if you have caught it and have no symptoms, you could be spreading it like crazy, much less so while wearing masks).
You’ve a vehicle, maybe instead of yourself driving her, you could hire someone (with a proven safe driving record, eg. a car insurance discount for safe driving) at minimum wage to chauffeur your wife on long journeys to/from places like NYC. Some might even do so, for free (since, travel costs are a factor and NYC’s an exciting place to visit).
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>When she and I met she had several conditions to which she would and would not date someone.
It’s not the marriage she’s holding hostage, it’s your promise while dating that she accepted.
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>she’s began insisting I go to therapy to understand
An EXCELLENT suggestion imo. A way for you to better you understand her and her condition.
Yeah, take her up on that couples counseling so you begin to change this.
I don’t understand why would you consider marrying her in the first place. She sounds like a huge liability.
Her mental health issues may not be her fault but they are her responsibility. It is not your job to cater to her insecurities.
She is not worthy of your time and effort. Please make sure she doesn’t trap you with a “sudden” pregnancy.
> she’s holding the marriage hostage
Just want to note that she’s not “holding the marriage hostage.” She made her dealbreakers VERY clear from the beginning. I understand your circumstances changed, but she was as upfront with you as she could possibly be that she wouldn’t have continued the relationship if you thought you’d start riding again. This really isn’t much different than if she’d said she never wanted kids and you agreed because you thought you were infertile, but changed your mind when you found out you could in fact have kids. The best thing to say probably would have been that if you had the opportunity or ability you would, but of course hindsight is 20/20. Honestly, I don’t think not wanting a partner who rides a motorcycle is that unreasonable. I also would not want that as motorcycles are incredibly dangerous. There’s a reason motorcycle riders are nicknamed “organ donors” by medical professionals.
Other pieces of her anxiety are less reasonable and more extreme. It sounds like you need to put the wedding on hold for now and go to therapy *together*. That way you can figure out why things aren’t improving and discuss strategies together to make your lives easier. If it still doesn’t help, then I think it’s valid to recognize that this is too much for you and go your separate ways.
You didn’t get to know the real her during covid. She is very exhausting!!
Her blaming you for triggering her fears are a cop out. She had these fears before, but you didn’t get to see them.
Go to a couple’s session at a different therapist and bring up your issues with her fears.
Does she take any meds for anxiety?
She’s 41 and you have only been together for 2 years. How was she driving over bridges before? This part I don’t understand.
Well shit man if you want to divorce, just get back into motorcycling; she said she’d leave you lol. But I’m just kinda lost man. How did you not know how she is before getting married? Like if she’s got serious issues that aren’t going anywhere and they don’t mesh with your life then why even get married?
All you’ve spoken about are her boundaries. Where are yours ? I suggest you get super clear about what you want and your boundaries on her behaviour, he treatment of you, her adherence to therapy and medication. Use the same tone and language she used with her deal-breakers, so she fully comprehends these are deal breakers for you. I get the feeling you are being unclear and a bit wishy-washy, expecting her to understand what you want. Tell her and then see how she reacts. If she is unable to support you, her husband, in the way she expects you to act, then you know this marriage won’t last. These are not treats, but convos you need to have in your marriage.
So you’re not compatible on multiple levels.. and she’s using that to manipulate you with.
I don’t think there’s anyway to fix this together.
You sound very incompatible when it comes to risk tolerance.
I think her boundary around not dating someone who rides motorcycles is reasonable and was clearly communicated to you early on. Riding motorcycles is very dangerous, racing them much more so.
It’s also reasonable and smart to continue wearing masks when around other people. COVID is not over, and we should all be using multiple strategies to prevent transmission.
Her other fears sound less reasonable and not your responsibility to manage. It’s good she’s in therapy, though it’s not an instant fix. What did she do about these fears before you were in her life?
I know she wants you to go to therapy, but before you end this marriage you should try couples therapy. Maybe you’re just completely incompatible, but maybe you can work on communication, compromises, and coping strategies that will make your marriage happy and functional.
Bro fuck this.
Leave her. Enjoy your bike. Take in the sun and sweet feel of that breeze on your cheeks as you enjoy life..do not spent the next 40 years in this hell. You are not responsible for her mental issues.
An adrenaline junkie married someone with so much anxiety they can’t drive over the bay? Ok.
Would she allow you to go with her to HER therapy session sometime?
People have to take care of their own issues. Is this the rest of your life? Adrenalin junkie & person afraid of birds, dogs, bridges…
While her boundaries are too extreme in my opinion, it is her right to have them. And it is also partially on you for caving when she threatened to cancel the bridal shower. You had the option to take her at her word that she was okay cancelling it entirely. If she was planning on blaming you to everyone for the cancelling or wasn’t being genuine in being willing to cancel, that’s another story and a deal-breaker in itself.
That being said, the way she is going about this is very telling and unhealthy. Her first instinct is in asking you to spend ten hours chauffeuring her to and fro instead of asking for a different venue, sourcing for her own driver or just sucking it up one time. Same with the mind games she plays over you working late, once again projecting an irrational preference she has onto you as something which is your fault and responsibility.
Yeah this sounds awfully exhausting and you don’t deserve to be imprisoned and unable to enjoy your life to the fullest because of her irrational fears. I suffer from anxiety but would and could never tell someone what they can or can’t do. Tf.
Are her friends not aware of her issues? Why did they plan her shower far away where she has no choice but to cross a bridge? She’s not scared to fly to Germany? Or bridges out there? Has she mapped out routes?