I’m a 23F. I am an attractive woman, and have experienced this quite a lot in dating. Men, grown men often talk about how attractive x celebrity is directly to my face. “She has a nice butt” or “she is so hot” or such and such. This has become such a common thing I have come across in nearly every dating interaction, mainly from online dating.
I view this as a form of negging almost. Why do men do this? Because quite frankly, it makes me uncomfortable and feel like shit. It seems like they’re almost trying to make me feel bad about myself. I used to look past it, but this guy I’ve been seeing has done this kind of comment three to four times now and I’m about to just call it all off.
It is usually with men in their 30s from what I have noticed. My ex did this a lot, and now this guy.
Can anyone explain this? It’s insufferable. It seems like people have zero class.
30 comments
I’m not sure I follow.
So you’re an attractive woman having a conversation and the guy will suddenly say that a celebrity, someone he’ll likely never meet or interact with, is attractive?
How does it come up?
>Men, grown men often talk about how attractive x celebrity is directly to my face
>
>I view this as a form of negging almost
This is not negging. Tactless? Yes, but not negging. Negging is direct. If you’re uncomfortable talking about celebrities, you need to say so.
I’m a woman, I find it annoying and creepy too, my ex used to say “mmmmm” whenever a woman came up on tv, (sometimes in real life too), even though I was “the most attractive woman he has been with” I told him to stop talking about women to me, it’s weird, and he admitted it’s rude.
23F here as well…I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s negging to point out celebs that are hot…? I mean, that’s the point of celebs, right? I feel it would be different/worse if he were talking about girls he knew or girls he had the possibility of being with. Why does it make you feel like shit? Celebrities ARE hot and ur man would more likely than not have 0 chance. Is it because you don’t feel like you look like the celebs they point out?
Would you never reveal ur celeb crush to a bf? I guess I’m trying to understand but am a little confused.
have you tried communicating
I agree and certainly hope you’re having nothing further to do with such guys, from longterm to FWB.
I (M) personally don’t talk about my attraction to other women when on dates or in a LTR. I hold all that in. The only person I’m gonna drool over is my date or GF.
It could be the type of men you’re going after OP. Considering your EX and this guy did the same thing. You might want to consider changing what you look for in a partner. I’m not saying you should completely change what you’re after but alter it slightly to see if you get higher quality matches that share your world view.
You’re 23, and dating dudes in their 30s. You’re not getting the cream of the crop. They aren’t going for women their age because no one wants them.
I’ve had experience with this from guys in their 20’s. I don’t know what makes them so comfortable to think it is okay. If you like a girl don’t say things like that because even the most confident women will think you’re trying to compare them to someone else.
>It’s insufferable. It seems like people have zero class.
Bingo
My wife and I do this together
I used to do this as just word/brain vomit on occasion in my 20’s because I had a terrible filter but it was never intended as negging.. that being said – I learned by my mid-20’s that this can be a really rude thing to say around women, especially women you’re dating or trying to date.
Of course I figured it out because a woman I dated proved her point by talking about male celebrities’ abs and arms which made me feel pretty insecure.
If a guy past his early-20’s is saying stuff like this and not apologizing then he’s either entirely unaware of what he’s saying (concerning) or he’s doing it intentionally to get under your skin (**very** concerning).
If he’s in his 30’s or older I would consider this a red (maybe orange?) flag. They’ve had lots of time to learn this can upset women, they have very little excuse.
37M here. If it’s the topic of conversation, I don’t really see an issue. If it’s coming up constantly, and he’s saying it in a way that insinuates you are an inferior person and/or is rubbing it in your face about how much hotter this other woman is than you are, then yeah that’s fucked up.
I wouldn’t like it if my girlfriend kept talking about how hot celebrity men are and fantasizing about them every day. It’s kind of weird to keep bringing that up with your SO, and it can get to a point where it’s disrespectful.
Respectful mature men don’t do this. It’s something silly boys do. Date men, not boys
do you communicate something like “hey I don’t like those comments when in front of me?”
Seriously. Communication people
Hmm I don’t think I’ve ever come out and said that unprompted. A common question I get is “who is your celebrity crush” though, and then I feel like they get uncomfortable when I answer. I never understood why they’d ask in the first place.
But ya, any guy with a shred of self awareness shouldn’t be talking about how hot another woman is in front of his date/girlfriend
It depends on how it’s brought up imo
I’ve joked around with guys before about how I’m
“married in my head” to a certain celebrity and ask their crush and we talk playfully about it
But on the other hand I dated a guy once and we started watching a show together and everytime a certain character would be in the scene he’d make sexual comments about her to the point I couldn’t even enjoy the show anymore and stopped watching it
Unless the girl im dating explicitly says its okay i wont say things like that, cause if things were reversed id feel uncomfortable and wouldn’t like it.
probably because alot of people do lack class. Have you tried talking to them about it, or mentioning how uncomfortable it makes you feel?
he sounds like he’s being too casual with you. when did the first comments start? first few dates?
I was about to say you’re 23, those aren’t grown men at that age and then you commented that some are in their 30s so I’ll just go back into my little hole and shut up.
Sorry you’ve ran into dicks like that, I promise we aren’t all that bad!
A lot of people do it subconsciously when they’re intimidated
My gf and I check people out together. I don’t go around saying how a celebrity is hot, but I have done it before when the topic of ” hot celebrities” has come up. I guess it depends on the frequency and the context in which those comments are made. If it’s a constant thing then yeah it’s weird. If you don’t like discussing how attractive people are then you should just talk about it with your partner. I don’t think it’s necessarily negging. It could be though
As a 50 year old guy? I’ll say this much. I spent most of my life from teenage years through adulthood being really concerned about possibly saying something that would offend others. I remember when it was just the cool thing to do when out driving around with a car full of guys for someone to stick their head out the window and whistle at a random attractive woman as we drove by. I could never bring myself to act that way, just because it wasn’t my nature. I’ve always been more introverted and quiet anyway.
But I’ve also watched guys in many, many situations just making these comments about finding a celebrity figure attractive, and often, they’re saying it to other women including co-workers or girlfriends. I think it’s because a lot of guys just separate that completely in their heads from it implying anything for women around them. (EG. We all know it’s pretty clear we’re not going to run into those celebs in real life and potentially go out on a date with them. We also accept that they’re at least partially getting paid what they earn in the careers they’re in because of those “better than average looks”.)
Once again, I wouldn’t personally make these kinds of comments, but that’s just me. I don’t feel like women should read too much into them, unless there’s something more going on. (If the guy is actively pushing you to try to look/dress more like some actress or celeb he keeps talking about? Then maybe he’s too fixated on her.) Beauty isn’t just ONE standard though. A guy can find a long-legged red-head in Hollywood movies “super attractive” and yet find a short, dark-haired gal just as attractive. You don’t and shouldn’t ever feel like you have to try to “live up” to what some other celeb looks like.
I often do it as a playful thing with the girl I’m seeing atm. And she does it too. We’re generally just joking around though, we both trust each other and don’t have any issues with it… but it depends on the person. If I knew it made her uncomfortable I’d never do it. So I’d say you need to communicate to the guy that saying those things makes you uncomfortable and you don’t appreciate it. If he’s a decent guy he will respect that and stop.
You need to stop dating men in their 30’s, there’s a reason why they’re dating younger, it’s because women their own age don’t want them and for good reason.
22M. I could never. Unless I’m with someone long term and we’ve established boundaries and that that is ok, and even then, I’d have a hard time.
Start talking about Idris Elba or Jason Mamoa in the same way. “have u seen their bulge? My god i wonder what he’s packing.”
We going to sit here and pretend that it’s only men who do this? Women talk about hot celebrities a lot too. They all part take in their fair share of negging. Why turn it into a gender war?
Women do this too