My (30f) bf (29m) and I have been together almost four years now. Of those years, we’ve lived together a little over three. Overall, I’d say we have a very compatible, harmonious, and understanding relationship. That is, until I disagree with him. He has a bit of an “I’m always right” complex. Our latest disagreement took place not even an hour ago. I’m just now regaining my composure enough to try to process his reactivity.
A bit of background to the week- this week has been shit for the both of us. I have epilepsy and had a seizure for the first time in a few years on Wednesday. It was a bad one and I’m grateful he was there to help me through it. He honestly handled it perfectly, and was very kind and patient with me after. I say that because he’s not a very patient person because he has a lot of underlying anxiety.
Since I had the seizure I’ve had to cancel very important travel plans. I was supposed to go to a destination bachelorette party for my best friend since childhood. I’m in her wedding and was really looking forward to hanging out with her and the other brides-people. Unfortunately, seizures and most bach party activities are not complimentary. Ordinarily, I would not let this hold me back, but I also have an upcoming work trip two weeks from now, and I’ll be abroad for three weeks. In an abundance of caution, I decided it wouldn’t be in my best interest to jeopardize my health further. I really can’t set myself up for seizing failure on this work trip.
I was supposed to leave today. Seeing all of the bach party chats have been making me downright weepy. And why shouldn’t they? I feel as if my life is getting turned upside down again. All of the trauma and fear from when my seizures were more erratic are rushing back to me. The control they had over my decisions. The limitations. The insecurity.
I express my sadness to my boyfriend. Off the bat, I can tell that he doesn’t understand the situation or me. (He’s very action oriented, what is broken can always be fixed in his mind. He feels out of control when things don’t go as planned.) He tries to comfort my concerns by saying that it’s not the end of the world if I don’t go. This falls flat to my ears. Obviously, it’s not the end of the world. I can hear irritation swelling in his voice as I confide my desire to live normally. He counters with, “Normal is what you define it as.” Again, not helpful or sensitive to what I’m feeling. He tries again by saying that I can still go if I want to, and then goes on to say that he didn’t go to his best friend’s (very impromptu) wedding this month. I can’t help but point out how this comparison is flawed. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but we’ve been planning this Bach event for over 9 months, and he found out about his friend’s surprise ceremony maybe a few weeks before. Plus I’m in this wedding. Immediately, his tone changes, and his all too familiar lashing out begins.
He goes on about how he’s wrong and my friends are obviously more important than his.
He goes on about how he’s the one always wrong in our relationship.
He screams and slams cupboards to the words, “I’m a monster”
I’m quietly sobbing.
He begins saying how ungrateful I am.
He says he’ll just get an air bnb instead of trying to make this weekend still fun.
He walks past saying how he should just go die. Get himself killed in oncoming traffic, he screams.
He slams the door, still aggressively muttering , and leaves.
I wish this escalation were a one-time thing. It’s not. His reactivity, especially now, is draining me. Does anyone else have any idea how to navigate communicating with a volatile partner? This happens so often I’m concerned I’ll just snap one day. I love my partner, my family loves him, our cat loves him, his friends love him. Why is he like this with me? Before we dated, his longest relationship was maybe 6 months. Could this be why?
TL;DR! – I had to cancel my plans to go on a Bach party vacation with my best friend because I had a seizure. My boyfriend and I disagreed about how I should be feeling about it. Since he couldn’t control my unhappiness he lashed out because he felt like he let me down. He let me down by lashing out and saying “he should just die”, instead of just listening. How do I get him to see my perspective?
10 comments
Remove yourself from this toxic relationship. Period.
Or, kudos on the creative writing. I hope you enjoyed it.
You don’t.
You call emergency services.
If he needs help, he gets the help he needs.
If he’s just doing this to make you feel like shit and keep you in your place, which tends to be FAR more common in situations like this, he gets a lesson about what happens when you weaponize fake suicidal ideation on your partner.
In what way is this relationship making your life *better*?
Because it doesn’t sound like you have a *partner*, it sounds like you have an emotional *dependent*.
In what way is he contributing to the relationship such that the relationship is *equitable* and brings you joy and satisfaction and security and peace, enough so to make what you are putting into it–into *him*–worth your while?
He is not equipped to be an emotionally supportive partner. When you need help, he makes it about him and his feelings. He can’t just sympathize and make you feel heard. Maybe, with years of therapy, he could get there. That’s what my husband did. He recognized his emotional limitations and went to therapy to get better. But, like I said, it took years of weekly therapy. Do you think that’s realistic for your boyfriend?
This is abusive and you need to leave yesterday. He should have just listened, instead he couldn’t even do that and made it all about himself… and slamming shit while saying all that? Yeah no this will get much worse before it gets better. Don’t give it that opportunity
He’s absolutely right – he is a monster. I’m not surprised that his past partners saw who he was and left him so quickly. Why are you putting up with this?
Take him to go see Men
>>Why is he like this with me? Before we dated, his longest relationship was maybe 6 months. Could this be why?
He deals with frustration by abusing you. Slamming things (threatening), crocodile tears about his character, assassination of your character (you are ungrateful), fake suicide threats (very manipulative tactice). Your bf doesn’t get to dictate your emotional state to you — that is also abusive of him. .You can’t get him to see your perspective, because he is getting something out of behaving in this way (probably to cow you, to make you less trouble, to stop you from pushing back). You say this happens “often.” No love in the world can make up for a partner who abuses you.
I just wanted to say thank you to all of you Reddit angels. I finally feel very seen and heard by someone other than my therapist. I thought I was insane for calling him out as abusive in the past.
Has he ever been in therapy? Cause it sounds like he definitely needs it.