Men over 30… how do you cope with depression or frustration of feeling like you have failed in life?? (37 and married with kids)

46 comments

  1. Putting things into perspective sometimes can help. I don’t know what your family is like, but many would like to have one and will never be able to.

    At 37 there are still many things you can do. Expecting to reach unattainable goals such as becoming an astronaut or a billionaire will lead to frustration. Even people that reach some of these goals can be unhappy because as humans, we get used to what we have and it becomes the new normal. We forget where we came from.

    Cherish what you have, and aim for something you can achieve and will give you purpose, a hobby or passion. Helping others seems to be a safer and proven path towards happiness.

    I’m reading “Man’s search for meaning” by Viktor Frankl and would recommend it. We just tend to forget how lucky we are in many ways, despite our lows.

    We only have one life. If you can make some changes that will make you feel better start working on them.

    Take care

  2. Something I constantly have to remind myself is to never struggle alone. Get a therapist, share your conflicts with your spouse, ask friends what they find fulfilling in their own lives. Pick a goal within reach that would make you feel like progress was happening in your life, and make it your job to achieve it (start small).

    Also, shit just takes time. I’ve got three kids and a spouse, and the time I have left for my own mental health is limited, so progress takes a while. That said, I treat the time I do have with relentless focus and concentration to make full use of it. Once time’s up, I try not to think about it again until the next round (for me, that’s therapy, hitting the gym, and reading).

    Seconding the other redditor’s suggestion about Man’s Search for Meaning. Read it recently, and that was a major shift in perspective.

  3. Not sure what hobbies you may have for yourself, but it’s always helped me to be outside more. I hunt & go on hikes it’s not a lot and relatively inexpensive to do therefore you don’t have to worry about time or others to enjoy it. Getting back to nature if even for a small amount of time it can help and if you’re one who doesn’t want to do it alone you can always include family I live walking with my wife and son on the trails behind our apartment complex.

  5. This might sound morbid, but life is meaningless and basically nothing you do or don’t do really matters in the long run.

    You could be a complete success and you’ll still wind up dead and forgotten eventually like the unemployed bum will.

    Think about it, people like Donald Trump and Jeff Bezos are extremely well known and successful, right? Well in 100 years from now, both will be dead and basically no one in the year 2122 will know who they were or what they did.

    So just live your life as you want it and don’t worry about meeting arbitrary standards of success.

  7. I’m 37, single and no kids. I too have been struggling with having failed in my life. I’ve become exactly the version of myself that I was afraid of becoming. For so long I’ve tried changing myself and I’ve finally realized that I’m incapable of being a person that in happy with.

    The real problem is that once you’re that unhappy with yourself, putting effort into self improvement feels like wasting energy on a person you personally despise. If you’ve already worked hard on self improvement then it’s an added problem of wasting energy that you already know won’t make a difference.

    If you haven’t tried therapy, do it. If you haven’t talked to your spouse about it, do that too. But you’re not alone. At least the people on this thread hear you and care.

  10. Married with kids at 37, that’s kinda the point of life, you have succeeded mate.

    Enjoy a nice drink and toast yourself, many many others never got this far.

  12. Why do you feel like you’ve failed? Because you’re not super rich? Because you don’t have a flashy job? Because you don’t have the latest sports car? Because you look at what others have and feel you compare badly to them?

    Why?

    Is it perhaps due to a feeling that your worth as a person is defined by your social status? And because that social status is linked to these highly-visible signals such as job, wealth, clothes, etc?

    So maybe you feel that you’re not keeping up with the joneses, even though you should be able to, after all, we’re in a meritocracy, so anyone should be able to achieve that if one works hard enough, shouldn’t we? And why wouldn’t someone want to achieve that status? Think of the cars, houses, the cool business card (wow, it even has a watermark), all you could achieve if you just lived to you full potential!

    But you didn’t achieve that. You had high expectations, driven by an upbringing that told you you could be whatever you wanted, and that everyone should want more status, so why didn’t you? Where did you get lost on your track to greatness?

    Was it finding someone who loves you back? Maybe not the most amazing super model with a PhD and who can run an ultramarathon while carrying kids, which might make you feel like there could be someone better out there?

    Or maybe enjoying life to its fullest when you were young and getting a late start, but looking at your peers for whom career and social advancement was everything and feeling like you’re missing out?

    Or was it having kids, little creatures who look at you as if you’re the most important thing in their lives (which you are), but also make you not want to work as much so you can spent every single additional minute with them?

    Would that incremental status you’d have gotten by focusing your career, not settling down, not having kids be worth it? You look around you, on social media, and see so much glitter, you think to yourself “that could be me, I wish it was me”. You feel anxious, anxious for the things you missed out, for the things you didn’t achieve, anxious for the status you perceive others to have above you.

    You have status anxiety.

    You want more in your life, which is perfectly natural, we all do. But instead of looking inside yourself for what are the holes you’re trying to fill, you look outside. And what you see is picture-perfect families, nice cars, houses, travels, jobs, etc. You only see the façades of the houses, all polished and elaborate, covered in marble. But you don’t see the broken pipes, you don’t see the flooded basement, the rotten wallpaper and so many things which you sometimes see in your own life, but only because you’re inside your own life.

    We can only compare ourselves to things we can see, but also we’re all in a rat race to show the best image of ourselves and hide the broken parts. So we fall into the illusion that everyone else is doing better than us, they have fewer or no fights with their spouses, they have a gorgeous house, a nice car, fancy travels, etc. without realizing that everyone else is neck-deep in shit, but still holding out a perfect smile.

    You have status anxiety. While status anxiety has been around forever, and the term has also been around for a while, but it gained traction after the philosopher Alain de Botton wrote [Status Anxiety](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_Anxiety) in the early 2000’s, and was accentuated by the rise of social media. It is now linked to [general anxiety](https://books.google.ch/books?id=iBNCDwAAQBAJ&lpg=PT45&dq=status%20anxiety&pg=PT45#v=onepage&q=status%20anxiety&f=false), the rise of [white right-wing populism](https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/09/opinion/trump-status-anxiety.html), and so much more. I absolutely recommend that book, and there’s also a [documentary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1MqJPHxy6g) about it.

    So how do we deal with it? Well, the book proposes some solutions, and beyond that here’s my take:

    * **Look inside yourself**: what are the actual holes you’re trying to feel? What do **you** want? What do you love? If you and your family were invisible to the rest of the world, what would you be doing? If nobody (not even you) were judging you, who would you be?
    * **Burn bridges in public**: make clear, public decisions on big issues such as career vs. family. For example, switching to a lighter job, even if it pays a bit less, so that you can spend more time with your families and on your hobbies. Make it public, announce to the world that you could be making more money, but you’re instead choosing to spend more time with your family.
    * **Find what brings you joy**: take up more hobbies, especially ones which are active and orthogonal to your work. Are you an office worker? Get manual work as hobbies (gardening, woodworking, making cheese, making beer, making bread). Do you do manual labor? Get intellectual work as hobbies (join a book club, take up creative writing, painting).
    * **Focus on experiences, not on things**: take the kids swimming on a pond, or fishing, go camping, go on a mystery adventure, create an elaborate, year-long mystery treasure hunt
    * **Think of the great experiences you’ve had**: look back on your life and things of all the memorable experiences you’ve had. That can be stupid stuff like stealing a traffic cone while drunk with your friends, or emotional things like little things your wife did that made you absolutely in love with her, or just good days you had through your life. Write them down
    * **Look at your past and think how dumb you were**: if you look at your past and don’t think “omg, I was so dumb, what an idiot” that’s because you’re still the idiot and haven’t changed anything. If you look back and think that, it means you’ve learned, you’ve grown, you’ve lived. This might seem trivial, but far too many people lack that capability, they look back and don’t feel embarrassed by anything they did, which means they actually haven’t improved.
    * **Meditate**: meditation isn’t just the “asian stuff”, and it doesn’t have anything to do with spirituality or belief, it goes far beyond that and most cultures have some form of meditation. It is an act of reflecting upon yourself, gazing inside yourself and focusing on the present moment. This doesn’t have to be sitting in lotus position in a quiet room, you can do this by sitting on a bench in a park, turning off your cell phone and just looking into the distance. The Mindspace app also helps.
    * **Keep a journal**: write down your anxieties, your fears. Write down how you plan on dealing with them. Write it to yourself, not to anyone else.
    * **Talk about your problems**: people genuinely care about you, they do! But they can’t help if you just keep everything inside like most men do. I discovered it far too late that if I need to talk, my friends will listen, and that most people I end up talking to are facing the same issues: loneliness, anxiety, burnout, etc. Really, text a good friend who isn’t judgy (and specially someone you feel have similar issues), ask if he’d have some time to chat, get a beer and talk away. Talking with a good friend is almost as effective as therapy, but you should also look into therapy. Therapy isn’t to cure yourself, or because you have a mental problem, or because you’re broken, it is just a way to help you untie some knots inside you.
    * **Don’t take life too seriously**: as men, we’ve been raised to be serious, to hunker down and carry the world, to suppress our inner child and be a grown up. Don’t. Be silly, put on a spongebob costume and go wake up your kids. Institute “Monthly Costume Day”. Take up (terrible) singuing, and sing along Disney movies. Let your inner child run free.

    Well, I hope that helps, and good luck, you’ve been doing great so far!

  13. Other commenters have given some good advice on how to reframe how you think, but I’d like to add that these feelings often come and go. Problems often dont get solved immediately so it helps to just ride out the bad feelings. Naps, good food, hydration and sufficient social contact always helps. For the last part I usually play MMOs, purely so I can get on a discord channel and talk to human beings about stuff that isn’t my work or life.

  14. 33 and struggling. Was bad a year/6m ago. Better now. Quit smoking, started being more active (running/working out 4-5 times a week) even decided to go back to school. Trying my hand at woodworking….🤦‍♂️

    There are still highs and lows but where I used to struggle 5 days a week (especially at work) now its more like 2-3 days a week or less even. I found that keeping busy helps me.

    Yesterday was a not so good day. Got home, jumped under the covers just wanted to be left alone and sleep for 10 hours before I had to start dealing with everything again. Just as those feelings began to push up again I washed my face grabbed my dog and went for a run. 50 mins later I was back home putting my son in the bath.

    Also helps having a supportive partner. Like if I had decided to sleep yesterday, she woulda taken care of the house and just written it off as a bad day for me. 1 of the things that motivates me to wanna be/get better.

    I know I didn’t really offer any advice or anything. Just wanted to share and let u know u are not alone.

    Take care

  15. Sounds a lot like you are unhappy with the financial situation you find yourself in. Is there some sort of self improvement career-wise that you can invest in that will pay off at some point?

  17. Therapy, and if needed, meds. I’m currently in therapy and on meds and it was best decision I’ve ever made. It very likely saved my life.

  18. I know this feeling. for me, it felt like I had all this bottled up energy.no where to go. I was doing things at work that seem worthy in the eyes of the world but I thought it was all straw. I thought of just changing career paths altogether.

    what worked for me was to start pursuing meaningful activities outside of work. I learned to see my work as a place to satisfy my desire for intellectual competence. I looked to other things to satisfy other core needs with me.

    basically, look inside your heart and notice there are 3-7 empty clay jars that must be on the process of getting filled. they don’t have to BE filled just in the process of getting filled. look closely at those jars and give them a name. for me it was intimacy, beauty, friendship, competence, aggression, slowness etc.. once you identify those jars start thinking of how to begin filling them.

  19. You can always discuss your football days back at Polk High school.

    No but seriously, I personally tend to sidetrack myself and this is probably not the healthiest advice to be giving. If I am able to turn my brain away from being depressed I tend to do that which helps me for that day or week.
    After Covid and my wife lost her job we have been in a rough place financially and normally we take the kids to amusement parks and trips to places that cost a good bit of money. For the last year now we have been doing free things with our kids like going to the free state parks around us to swim in the summer and winter trail hikes to get us out the house in the winter. Honestly our kids are happier with these free things then they are with the gigantic amusement parks.

  20. At 37 you are likely less than halfway through your life. It’s far more depressing to imagine spending another 37 years bummed you didn’t accomplish anything instead of regrouping and trying to accomplish some things you can be proud of going forward.

    Early 30s here. Not where I thought I’d be now in many ways, but very aware I’m where many wish they could be. Have 3 young kids, so it’s a constant battle to be conscious enough to live in the now as this portion of their lives is so foundational and fleeting. Still set goals and work towards a future I can be proud of while making memories today with them.

  21. I’m 39 with kids and recently had a very serious mid-life crisis. I lost my excellent paying job, and it almost cost me my wife and kids. At the time, I felt like it was alright to lose my wife, but once the kids were brought into that picture and how I wouldn’t wake up in the same house as them every day. Also, someday, they would wake up in a house with another man being possibly their stepfather. That put things into perspective for me. I’m a father in a family of 5. I don’t want my children to depend on another man. I come from separated parents, and maybe I didn’t turn out so well. I have to do my best not to repeat the past some days. Also when I look at what I have versus some of my friends. I’m not doing so bad. My wife and I go to concerts, take our mothers to beach with us, and we have too much stuff in our house.

    I told that last part to my counselor (highly recommend getting one of those) and then I said “you know, I got it pretty good, maybe I should just sit down, shut the f*** up, and enjoy it”

    She said, “I like that.” I’m adding that to your notes.

    Basically, we have it better than we think we do. Not smoking weed helps me to get to the gym and generally get out of my mental shell as well.

  24. I have a friend worth $50,000,000 that would trade places with you.

    You have love

    He does not. And it cannot be purchased

  25. Haven’t solved it myself yet. At least you’re married and have kids. I hate every aspect of my life at 41.

  27. Let myself feel the emotion, often it’s in a specific place in my body, and name what I feel the emotion is.

    Such as: a thought about a time I acted like an asshole to an ex, say: “I hear you shame. You did the best you could as the person you were then. It’s okay. You’ve learned from this negative experience. You have grown since then.” Then I concentrate on the feeling until it dissolves.

  28. Sane situation felt the same way. Saw my doc and she diagnosed me with anxiety and gave me citalopram anti depressors. It helps a lot. Also on a waiting list for a psychologist.
    You should talk to your doctor.

  29. Honestly what’s really sobering for me is looking at how much worse off so many other people are.

    I live in a first world country with modern healthcare, only somewhat corrupt police forces, and a generally reasonable quality of life. I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’ll eat day to day and it’s exceedingly rare that I experience violence.

    I didn’t die of a heart attack or an overdose like many of my friends from when I was younger did.

    I’m not wealthy but I’m not destitute either. There are people living in trailers working at gas stations trying their hardest to keep CPS from taking their kids away. There are people spending 16+ hours a day working hard labor jobs making less than I’ll make in 4 hours at my cushy desk job.

    It doesn’t make me feel *good* about my situation per se, but it helps me recognize that we’re all struggling here and at least I’m not alone.

  30. 37 and a failure??

    Fuck dood you have barely started in your life.

    Nothing was “expected” of you when you were 15, and nothing was expected of you when you were 25. You really have only been “expected” to do something for barely 10 years. Not 37 years.

    You realize that people your age are probably gonna live like 150 years right?

    You have two more “normal” lifetimes to become a success.

    Consider the last 10 years as teeing up time. Any failures are just lessons learned towards your eventual success.

    So for future goals:

    Every success requires planning. Blind luck (of birth social status, for instance) does not count. So don’t count on being lucky, PLAN on being successful. Any good plan is one that is drawn up in writing, in manageable bits with manageable goals. Have a stated overall goal, something tangible, and then figure out what you need to do to hit that goal.

    My partner and I were in the top 5% of the country, income wise. But we felt we were not reaching out potential in income. We made a plan, moved away from Florida and came to live in the highest income per capita county in the country, and got jobs that reflected where we were in our careers. Her income has gone up 25% and mine has almost doubled since 2016. There were a TON of middle steps to that, that included job hopping, head hunting, career changes and even things like a new wardrobe and selection of a social circle. But now, our household income is north of 400K and we pretty much achieved what we set out to do.

    But it took YEARS to get there. And I am really a lazy son of a bitch, who would NEVER get to that kind of goal in one step. I would think it was too hard and quit. But I COULD take tiny little steps, a lot of them, to get to that goal.

    And so can you.

    PLAN. Then DO!

    You got this!

  31. I became happier when I realized that I needed to stop comparing myself to others and instead work harder on the things I want to be good at, and be happy with what I have in my life too.

  33. Take a look at what you think a successful life looks like and start figuring out goals to set to try to start working to get there. That’s what I do.

  34. This is something that I have been struggling with for the last few years.

    I realised that I have no friends in the world, all of ‘my’ friends are really those of my wife. So I’m (really slowly) trying to recreate a friend network of people I can hang out with and play board games with.

  35. I read somewhere that the first 40 years is about your growth materially, worldly success like house, kids, etc etc.

    And the next 40 years is about spiritual growth, growing relationally, being at home in your environment, growing in wisdom, meditating etc.

  36. Try to stay positive and do fun things until you forget about the depression.
    Get outside and get fresh air and excersize.
    Count your blessing and see how lucky you are.
    Stay busy with hobbies, or projects like charities. Not necessarily volunteer at a soup kitchen but do nice things for people. Be the best dad you can be.

  37. Im 37, married with three kids, medical doctor with a good salary. I want to end it everyday. We dont cope with it.

  39. 37…. You are a young pup. 🙂

    I am 58… those 21 years will a long time. if you don’t have a college degree get one now. First a AS and the a BA/BS. I know it can be scary but In 2022, the majority of jobs paying 100k want a degree, even if it is not in that field. <Or go to a trade school>

    Unless you love your job. Switch jobs, I started over at 31 answering phones for 11 an hour, after leaving the restaurant business. By 44 I was making 180k as a IT director.

    Jump jobs for the most money, after 3 years move. Best way to increase your salary. Tell the recruiter, I want X, with X being 15k more than you make. You will be surprised but the interviews will come.

    Best of luck!! you have your whole life in front of you. Still lots of time to change things if you want.

    Bonus tip. Get a Vasectomy Right Now… New kids will make it even harder to get that degree.

  41. Having a partner and kids is a huge accomplishment. My girlfriend and I are having trouble with the kid thing. So you are better off than some people.

  42. Doesn’t this happen to most people at one point or another? I’ve been fixated my entire adult life on my ability to succeed and grow in the workplace. While I’ve had success, at certain points, that stalls for most people, regardless of what we read or see on TV and assume is normal. For many A type people, our current scenario is never good enough.

    I’ve had to readjust my thinking around what I consider to be success. The execs a step above me work early morning through late at night; their demands are enormous. What is important to me in life other than praise for doing well at work? I traveled for work for 15 or so years and feel like I lost a significant part of my life sitting alone at airports and hotels.

    In my mid 40s, I really value being able to do nothing more than I want to do in my free time, and that time not cut short by inefficient bullshit work or other distractions. I enjoy being with my partner and family, who are aging alongside of me. I love to travel, but not for work; to explore.

    My priorities have shifted significantly over the last ten years.

  43. Late 20s here, white-collar professional. Got a postgraduate degree. Am quite capable at my job.

    To an outsider, I imagine I look like a young guy who’s got it all together.

    But I feel like a failure almost every day. Because it feels like I haven’t achieved enough. Because my work/life balance isn’t great despite that. Because my romantic life isn’t progressing. And a bunch of other things.

    Just trying to take it day-by-day for now, and attending therapy. In the meantime, looking for opportunities at making more substantial improvements to my life & circumstances.

  44. It’s not about whether you fail, since most everyone does in at least one area that is profoundly important. It’s about how you carry your failure.

  46. You should read this book called [The How of Happiness](http://thehowofhappiness.com/). The percentage of your happiness that’s impacted by your actions is 40%. That book helps you find out which ones you should do to get to that 40%.

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