Me[27F] and my husband[30M] have been married for 2 years. We’ve been together for 6 years.
My husband has occasional bouts of depression that are triggered by lack of exercise.
I am prone to generalized anxiety disorder.
My husband’s brother got divorced this year. Everybody in our family loved his wife. We were all very close-knit and never expected them to get divorced. He had been dissatisfied with his marriage for 2, maybe 3 years. She had no job and no ambitions, and failed to keep the house clean when she assumed the role of tending to the house because she had no job. She didn’t need to work.
But regardless, they seemed fine. They made us a congratulatory video when we got married and couldn’t attend our wedding due to Covid.
I just feel completely empty inside when I think about the dissolution of their marriage. My MIL was very close with her. I used to be pretty close with my MIL too, but have grown apart from her after we moved away from them.
This past month, we have endured some pretty stressful life changes. Our house had a major water leak, and our house has been a mess. We both work full time and have had no time to clean. Being in a disorganized and dirty environment has completely tanked both of our sex drives.
After all of this, I realized I have been feeling disconnected to my husband. I brought this up and he agreed that he had been feeling pretty “flat” and apathetic due to him not being able to exercise due to the change in routine.
I also have been feeling “unsexy”. Work is monotonous. I sometimes would get office crushes which would up my sex drive and I would just channel that energy into me and my husband’s sex life.
Anyway, the discussion also brought up the reality that you can never really guarantee anything and that one of us can always decide to leave or become so dissatisfied with other, because the partner has stopped being who they said they’d be when they got married.
That, with my husband’s brother recently divorcing, made me think that divorce is really always closer than you think. Me and my husband used to gossip about his brother’s marital problems and just pity them with an attitude of, “that would never happen with us.” But if the right events happen at the right time, can’t the strength of a marriage be broken by things out of your control? Why say vows at all if the longevity of your marriage CAN be out of your control?
All this to say, but it’s mostly my generalized anxiety disorder saying now, “well, if my BIL can divorce his wife after having a seemingly happy (albeit strained) marriage, whose to say my own husband won’t someday want to get divorced?”
7 comments
While some issues may be out of your control, how you and your husband deal with them is what will make or break your marriage. Marriage is work, but not in a bad way. You truly get out of it what you put in. Life does get monotonous so it’s up to you to keep things interesting in the bedroom and out of it.
Marriage counseling can help but you want to go before it get to be a big issue.
I think about it like a bank account.
You deposit love, effort and sometimes just money and in return you have a happy marriage.
But if you let it run out or constantly get overdrawn, eventually they may not be able to take it and close your account.
So the important thing is to make as many good quality deposits as you can.
You lost me at “depression triggered by lack of exercise”
Of course divorce is always an option for anyone for any reason.
I don’t speak in absolutes so I wont say never say never.
I’ve been happily married for 23 years. I have a pretty easy charmed life in the context of what’s happening in the world.
I will fight for my marriage. I know my husband would as well. There are so many unknowns that its impossible to say always. But that is how I feel in my heart, brain and soul.
What you describe in your OP, stranger on Reddit, is simply just life. Things get mundane and boring. You don’t always fell sexy. Work becomes day in, day out sometimes. It feels like you aren’t good at anything. You experience major house repairs. A home requires maintenance. The house can get incredibly messy.
These things often seem to happen all at once.
Then there are the times everything is golden. Life is amazing.
It’s all very normal. IMO life isn’t worth divorcing over. How each other handles life over the long term is what matters.
Good luck!!
I listened to a podcast where they said that divorce is a choice just as much as marriage is a choice. When you think of marriage/divorce as a choice, you will actively CHOOSE one or the other through your daily actions, thoughts, and feelings. If you believe your marriage can work, you and your partner can both choose to make it work.
Western society is on a self destructive path. We are constantly bombarded and brainwashed that you have can say anything, be anything, do anything with no morals, no responsibilities. And people carry this in every aspect of their lives. I want to sleep around it is completely fine. I am not happy today, just divorce your husband or wife.
Life is long and hard road. There are bumps, set backs, even tragedies ion this road. If you have an attitude that if I am not happy divorce is OK as a solution you will be divorced, guaranteed. Because there will be times when you will be unhappy.