I moved to a new area about 3 years ago and didn’t know anyone. To make new friends, I attended a couple of Meetup groups and pretty much whatever women talked to me, I asked if I could get their phone number and if they wanted to be friends. I then would invite them all to things like brunch and a girls night and whoever kept coming, I ended up friends with. By the time the pandemic shut everything down, I had a few friends I really like.
In 2020, my kids didn’t want to go trick or treating for Halloween because of all the pandemic stuff, but they wanted to celebrate. It was still dicey, so we had a little party at the house, in the yard for them. It was my two kids, each of them had like 2 friends there, and there were 6 of us adults. Mostly my adult friends were there to help out with the party. It was fun and mellow and no one got sick.
It turns out that one of the Meetup hosts (S) was incredibly offended by this. One of my close friends told me S was offended that I didn’t invite her to my Halloween party. I didn’t worry about it at all because I can’t even remember what S looks like. In addition, I guess S kicked me out of the Meetup group, which I didn’t even realize until recently. I still went to occasional Meetup events, but there are multiple groups in the area and I was seeing the same people, so I didn’t really think about it. In addition, most of what I do isn’t part of Meetup stuff. It’s just hanging out with my friends.
This weekend, my friend is having a party at her house. She invited me, my boyfriend, and a couple of our close mutual friends. I’m excited to go. I haven’t seen her for a while because she has been out of town.
It turns out S is hosting a meetup event there and that’s what the party is. My friend told S that our friends and I are coming too. Apparently S had things to say to my friend about it. S told my friend she has issues with me because I made friends with and got phone numbers for some people and not everyone. Then S told my friend she had to call me and tell me that it was incredibly rude for me to get phone numbers of some people and not others and invite some people and not others to things I do. My friend did this call. We had a godd chuckle over it and I told her to point S out to me this weekend and I’ll apologize for hurting her feelings. My friend said I don’t need to because it was ridiculous.
I do, however, want to say something to her. I truly am sorry she got her feelings hurt, but this is a group of people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, and they are Meetup events. I truly thought Meetup events were for just this – making friends. I am also confused because I’m sure S has phone numbers for some people and not others. She doesn’t seem to have my phone number either. I can’t imagine she does everything in her life as a Meetup with an open invite. I don’t run a Meetup group, so does she expect me to create one every time I want to go to lunch or something?
I need some help with how I should approach this conversation. I would like to take a minute to talk to her without being rude or going on and on. I just have no idea what to actually say. Help?
​
TL;DR: Meetup host is angry at me for getting phone numbers for some people and not others and inviting some people and not others to things. How do I talk to her about this?
18 comments
She is being ridiculous. That is one of the points of Meetup groups. She is causing unnecessary drama. I wouldn’t engage.
You should acknowledge her efforts in organizing all those meet ups and thank her for giving you that chance to meet the others, and tell her you thought she was too busy for a small get together like you organized. After all, you only had a handful people over and most you apparently already knew. You figured that since she’s so active and popular, your party would be uninteresting. And you probably won’t have anything entertaining for her any time soon either.
You don’t have eachothers phone numbers, so you don’t have to exchange that. You are not competition and she doesn’t have to keep track of you. ‘Recognizing’ that she is better at hosting this stuff and you’re not doing some meet ups.
It’s ridiculous, but she apparently knows a lot of people and she’s been spreading drama. Give her some compliments and she’ll prolly stop.
This is ridiculous. This isn’t primary school where you have to invite every girl in the class.
I honestly think it’s best if you say nothing, because I just can’t see any rationality coming out of any convo you may have. You’ll just be feeding her drama with oxygen and most likely she’ll just escalate things and you’ll validate her ‘grievances’.
S is the type of person to join am HOA solely to force her unsolicited opinions onto anyone and everyone that she’s able to. She leads a meetup group, which inherently is for people to meet other people and make friends with some of them, and is angry because she can’t control how people utilize that. If she decides to confront you about it she doesn’t deserve much more of your attention than a simple ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, I think the meetup group is working exactly as they are intended to’.
No need to stress over this.
I would honestly just laugh it off. She’s being ridiculous.
Meetup hosts often do get a little funny because they are the only ones paying the subscription to the service that allows them to set up events and send invites on the app. Some of them recoup the costs with a small charge at each event, but not everyone does this.
I guess to get their money’s worth they make every possible social gathering a Meetup event, and then they get salty when non-paying members end up having more fun or making more friends than they do.
You’re not obligated to treat everyone you meet the same way, you’ll click with some people more than others and that’s natural.
I don’t understand why you want to clear the air or apologize to someone that you wouldn’t even recognize at a small gathering. Why does what some random woman you met a couple of times matter to you? Everyone does not need to like you or understand where you are coming from.
This is deeply weird. Lol. I wouldn’t say anything to her, hoenstly. Woman has some issues and it’s not really on you.
How many people are typically at these meet ups? So she expects you to create and maintain friendships with (for example) 25 people or none of them? Ludicrous.
You really shouldn’t apologize as that enables her controlling behaviour.
What in the world? I have to reiterate this, more so because I need to try to comprehend HER logic. She essentially wants you to engage with over 20+ people from the Meetup and befriend all of them? So does she not comprehend what the main point is?
Don’t engage or apologies to her. She is in the wrong, NOT you.
So essentially what’s happening here is there is something seriously off with S and her social skills. Meet up is a great tool for people looking to make connections but it does attract a subset of socially awkward people… who aren’t quite right or don’t have a normal perception of how social situations work. S is one of these people. The vast majority of people use meetup to make their connections and then sort of move off the site. Sure there’s a few types of groups that continue the gatherings, especially if it’s a club or niche hobby but tons of the members are friends outside the group. It’s not rude. It’s not wrong lol. Only people who are, quite frankly, incapable of making normal friends would get offended by this. I wouldn’t waste my breathe apologizing for hurting S’s feelings because you were not wrong for being a normal human being and making friends.
Just give her a hug and say hi and be nice to her. None of the shit people think about me is my business. If they are spending all that time thinking about me, I’d just let them know they should stop, I don’t think about them and this is uneven.
What a drama mama. She is gross and I’d just stay away from people who make mountains out of molehill. This isn’t even a molehill.
I thought about doing something like this because I live in a lonely world but this sounds like so much work.
I don’t think adressing it will help it because this S seems very childish and also not professional as being friends with everyone is not necessary the goal of the meetup.
Don’t have the friend point out S, and when she doesn’t recognized you at the party either, all will be resolved.
>I do, however, want to say something to her.
Don’t. Engaging idiots in their game will only drag you down to their level. And there is no way to win, because she has decades of experience being one. Seriously, nothing good can come from this and there is no real way for you to change her mind if she is really this extreme.
Just let it go and ignore it.
She’s nuts and doesn’t want to collaborate in any meaningful way with you, or she would have contacted you directly. Just breezily say hello! Good to see you! What a nice party! And walk away. Do your own thing, boo.
What are you actually apologizing for? You’ve done nothing wrong and you are not responsible for her feelings.
P.S. Can we get an update??