Greetings,
this is a problem that I had for my entire life: I often feel like other people make me feel like I am responsible for their moods. I recognize that they do, when they bring up criticism toward me, when I do not succeed (or do not try) in making them feel the way they want to feel.
A generic example:
Sometimes people around me run late for meetings and become stressed out. Sometimes those meetings concern me to, and I tend to not take the “running late” issue too seriously and instead want to focus on memorizing the things I want to contribute to the meeting. If I keep quiet and do that, though, my companion who is stressed out, tells me, that they are upset because I seem to not care about them being stressed out. The solution to their problem would be me making them feel good: Telling them, that it’s not that bad to run late, telling them, that it’s not their fault, that everything will be alright, and so forth.
And I understand that in some situations, the latter is a pragmatic way to avoid conflict. But carrying the burden of being responsible for the mood of many people around me for extensive amounts of time feels really exhausting. It feels like the only thing I am allowed to do, is to be someone who cares about others, but not about the things, I do want to care about.
And of course, I to a certain degree care about the people around me. But I feel like they expect me to stop caring about everything else but them. And this makes me feel inauthentic and like an actor in a boring movie about someone else’s life.
The question is: **How to deal with the issue?**
And this question seems to have multiple dimensions:
On the one hand, there’s the question about social and mental capacities: How to make people quickly feel good without engaging in drama and without becoming inauthentic and pressured by their concerns.
And on the other hand, the rather philosophical/psychological question: Is it good and/or healthy to cater to other people’s wish for me to take responsibility for their mood? Is this a quality, something I should enjoy doing? Or is it manipulative, toxic, and unhealthy for everyone involved?
I know, that “talking about”, “being transparent”, is the usual go-to-solution. But what if talking about it makes other people feel attacked by me, because they have the expectation, that I should take responsibility for their mood, and in telling them that I do not want to, they consider me being “an asshole that does not care/love (about) others”? And thereby making them feel bad. Then expecting me to make them feel good again. By telling them, that I do want to care about them and taking responsibility.
2 comments
It’s not your job to fix everyone or make everyone happy.
Repeat.
This “transparency” thing you speak of? You are not using the word correcly. Your analysis of human behavioral interaction / requirements negate reality.
That’s not what transparency should be used for.
You should never walk into a situation or group of people and announce to all who are present that you aren’t taking care of their moods / needs. At all.
I have never done that. That is not what is expected of you or anyone else.
Do you know of anyone who says that?
Why can’t you just live and let live?
It is exhausting taking care of your own personal moods and needs, let alone the entire world’s.
The life you have assigned yourself is exhausting and difficult to maintain, at the least.
You __are not responsible__ for everyone’s mood / happiness / feelings. Why do you feel that you are?
That’s not why you were made.
Work on yourself first.
Stop seeking validation by trying to fix everyone. Or every mood.
Most people would be offended if you walked into a room and said that to everyone. Or, at the very least, they would feel very uncomfortable and be on edge. Like sitting on the edge of their seat.
Not knowing what to think or what to do next.
How to react to you. Or how to respond to what you said.
Try to be responsible for yourself. Be responsible for your personal moods and happiness.
Learn about self care.
Try counseling instead.
It does not mean that you are irresponsible or that you don’t care about the people around you. It means you are going to learn about personal and social boundaries, what is / is not appropriate in a social setting.
Work with your counselor on appropriate / inappropriate social boundaries. How to read cues from others. Your need to take care of everyone before yourself.
Edit – spell check, syntax, moved paragraph, added highlights.
I wanna say dont think too deep into it (though believe me I know thats hard, but bear with me)
Its not your job to worry about somebody elses moods. Each person has about as much stress as they can handle. If its too much, they need a therapist (I know I have one). They shouldnt want you to stress about their stress. Thats irrational.
If you are hyper aware (or you try to be hyper aware) of others feelings, you wont have the energy or time to contribute what you would like to contribute to the world.
The only thing others should expect you to do is not add to their stress or unhappiness. They should not expect you to alleviate it for them.
I save my consolation efforts for those who are close to me and that I care about. Not everybody has the capacity to do that for Every person that they know and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Especially if those people are not doing the same for you.