My boyfriend (26M) got invited to one of his childhood friend’s wedding. He was really excited and seemed really happy to be going. His mom even talked about driving plans with us and try to set up a time to drive up. We have a pet and he was trying to have someone come and pet sit however, I (f26)wanted to confirm that I actually was invited before committing to all of this planing and buying a dress. I didn’t want to assume I was invited because I can understand how expensive wedding can be. He called the bride and confirmed the invitation extended to me as well seeing as we have been together for nearly 6 years.
After that I had enough time to look for a dress and he helped me a search for one as well. We decided on driving plans and I could tell he was being whishy-washy with me and hinting that I should stay and that it could make the plan easier. Adding that we didn’t have anyone to take care of our cat, and how much gas it was going to be. Finally I said well we will see when my dress comes In and if it doesn’t look good I won’t go. He was happy with that idea and let go of the rest. Once my dress came in and fit he went back to being disinterested in me going and I had the feeling he really never wanted me to go.
The day before driving up I asked him to stop by and get gas so we wouldn’t have to in the morning “one less thing to worry about” I said
When we got there he said before getting out of the car “you better be giving me gas money for this trip that we BOTH are going on and if you don’t give me money for gas you will simply not come” he shut the door and left.
I was taken back not because he asked for gas money because I was going to give him some anyway
but it was in the way he said it and in the tone like I never put in or if I was inconsiderate.
I stayed quite because I get really upset fast and I didn’t want to fight a day before we had to take a long drive he came back and repeated what he said in a more aggressive tone.
We got home and I haven’t said a word to him I was just trying to get in the house and I thought maybe some separation would help and that we could after come together and talk about it when he wasn’t in a mood.
Two hours pass by and I ask him to come lay down on the bed so we could talk about it and not feel so confrontational he refused and walk out of the room.
I get up and close the door and start watching a show to distract myself, he later comes in to apologize for speaking to me that way I tell him to do better and my reason on why I stayed silent. I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire because I know myself, and I can be really disrespectful when I’m mad.
I finally tell him that I feel like he didn’t even want me to go in the first place. I feel as if he’s trying to poke holes in things that are already set up and secure, and if that’s the case he needs to tell me instead of orchestrate a plan to make me not want to go.
He admits to not wanting me to come and that he wanted to spend time with his friends.
which I understand there is literally nothing wrong with wanting that.
I’ve had them stay over plenty of times and really like them and have always had a good time when we get the chance to see each other.
I’m not upset at him for wanting to spend time with his friends.
My feeling are hurt because I sent time trying to find a dress and planing my schedule around this.
It’s that he waited until the last minute to tell me and that I had to basically force it out of him to tell me is really what upsets me I cried so much last night that my eyes are so swollen. I’m at a point where if he wanted to spend time with his friends that would have been fine because I know so many other people there I could have just hung around and did my own thing. Like I have before when we go and visit. He’s never had to worry about me because I can hold my own. How should I address this situation when he comes back?
43 comments
Very odd that he thinks he can’t spend time with his friends at a wedding if you are there. It’s a wedding- everyone has fun and spends time together.
He is being very manipulative to try and create an argument so he can shift blame to create a reason where it’s your fault versus just being honest that he wanted to go alone. Maybe he wanted space but thought it would create conflict so he stalled. His way of handling emotions isn’t healthy or helpful.
Is there anyone else going to the wedding that he wouldn’t want you to meet? If it’s an old friend maybe there is an old flame invited and once he found out he got weird about you being there. Maybe I’m just being suspicious, but his anger and aversive approach make me think there’s more to it than he’s saying.
Take a few days to cool off, let him ask you questions or volunteer information. Pulling back might allow him to show up, if not, perhaps consider if he’s as invested as he should be.
Good luck!
I wonder if this is a pattern of his? Does he hold things in like that to a point where his behavior is aggressive, mean, or blaming?
Is this how you two usually handle difficult issues?
Did he ever apologize for what he did? Cause if I were you, He wouldn’t be seeing or hearing from me unless it was about an apology and changed behavior.
>How should I address this situation when he comes back?
Well, he was never honest with you and never told you he thought it wasn’t a good idea for you to come. Instead he was passive-aggressive and in the question of the gas-money even aggressive.
So, my first question would be, is there something else going on? He asked the bride if you were welcome but suddenly your boyfriend doesn’t want you around? I don’t know your BF, but I think you should be very concerned about the “friends” he is going to meet at this wedding.
I think that when he comes back, you should spend some more time talking about it. Do you trust him?
He isn’t being straight with you about this for some reason. His behavior is highly immature on top of everything else. Either an old crush is going to be there and he doesn’t want her to know he has a girlfriend or he is just a giant asshole.
Either way you have a problem. Hopefully he has a miserable time and his friends all ask where you are.
Idk it sounds fishy. Wants you to go then changes his mind? Makes me think there was a reason or someone who changed his mind. Maybe a person there he wanted to see/spend time with that is more than friend. Idk it seems weird and suspicious. I would be mad. I would want him to 1. Give my gas money back 2. Pay for the dress purchased. 3 did you have to request time off work?
Idk I would definitely be upset
His behavior seems rather suspicious. He confirms you are invited, helps you search for a dress, and then, the day before the wedding, he becomes aggressive and angry, telling you he does not want you to come so he can spend time with his friends.
There are too many possibilities here, but it seems likely that he is trying to push you away.
I would have an honest conversation with him about your relationship, and if he starts getting angry, aggressive, or otherwise manipulative, then maybe you need to consider what you want going forward.
The girlfriends of his friends will be a the wedding?? This could clarify a lot.
I’m sorry but IMO It’s very unrespectful the way he has handled it.
Hmmm any old girlfriends gonna be there? Girl you deserve a man who *wants* you to hang out with his friends
All of his friends are going to bring their plus ones, right? But he doesn’t want his there because he wants to spend time with his friends? I don’t understand this, it seems like a piece of the puzzle is missing.
He doesn’t want you there. He’s gong to a wedding, a celebration of love and he doesn’t want you there with him.
He got passive aggressive, straight up aggressive, and treated you poorly, and now he is getting exactly what he wanted. You alone while he goes off and has a great time at a wedding.
How should you address the situation when he cones back? He walked all over you and treated you like a headache he had to deal with instead of a partner he loves. The real question is why are you putting up with this?
This whole thing is really weird. The way he acted was over-the-top. Why wouldn’t he want you to go? It’s not that he wants to spend time with his friends. You’ve met them and spent time with them. So that excuse is bogus. And then trying to make you pay for gas? He’s going on his own now so he’s paying on his own anyway. So that makes no sense. There is something going on here. You two need to communicate better. It really sounds like he’s not ready for a committed relationship.
Smh this is an abusive, toxic and generally childish way to communicate. This lack of communication is gonna turn your relationship into a drama orbiting hellscape if he doesn’t learn to use his big boy words.
>How should I address this situation when he comes back?
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Considering your replies that this known pattern of saying things/change of plans super last minute to you that was known for him for days/weeks/months that you could had better planned for on top blowing up on for his weaponized incompetence against you – you wouldn’t be wrong to hit him with ultimatum that next time he either gets nasty with you and/or changes plans with you super last minute, you’re dumping him. So he better shape up with communication ways and treatment towards you; or you’re out.
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And you can point out to him, that this isn’t about his friends nor their wedding – this about him pulling that bullshit all the time and you’re tired of him doing that to you while being inconsiderate of your time. So much so, you’re wondering why should married or even stay longer with someone like him who doesn’t consider you an significant other by way he treats and does things with you.
He wants spend with his friends, but all friends bring his partner.
You are his lifepartner. He doesn’t want you around when he drives hours to the wedding, and stays there for days. He tried to such an aggressive asshole that you back off for yourself. Then he would have blamed you, because you left him alone.
Never stay with someone just because you are x years together. People change. Always look how his personality now matches yours, not how he was x years ago. Does you love the person he is now? Are you happy in the relationship. How much need to change to be happy again. Do you want to live the next 50+years like this. Ask yourself those questions.
I had a boyfriend who did this before we took a trip. Exact same thing. It turned out there was a girl who was going to be there. He went, I stayed home. And he fucked that girl the entire weekend that he claimed he wanted to be spending with his “friends.”
Not saying this will happen to you, but I’m real cirious if he told all of his friends and family that he straight up didn’t want you there.
Either way, the manner in which he handled it was so entirely not okay. You don’t want to go to weddings without your life partner. That’s not how it works when you love someone. You deserve better OP.
” Adding that we didn’t have anyone to take care of our cat, and how much gas it was going to be”
How much gas was going to be because gas would be cheaper if you didn’t go?
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” he holds in and then just blows up”
I stayed quite because I get really upset fast
I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire because I know myself
Are you the way you are because of him or was that your normal self before him?
I could def see myself getting upset fast because of him holding it in and blowing up.
Oh wow and now he has to pay for his own gas like he should have anyway. Y’all also RSVP’d that 2 people were coming and he’ll blame that lack of manners to the bride on you. Then you went through all the dress shopping aggravation. He’s the gift that keeps on giving. I would not be there when he comes home. Just let him figure it out like he does with you. Anybody that will start a fight to avoid communication is an immature ass!
OK I may be going out on a limb but it sounds like your boyfriend might have an ex or an old flame that will be at the wedding who he wants to spend time with without you. it also sounds like he’s a total prick. i’m super petty so if it was me I would force myself on the trip be a total wet blanket the whole time spy on whoever it is he wanted to spend time with that wasn’t you and then I would break up with him as soon as you got back.
What a lousy worm coward he is.
This is a red flag to me, you are together, long-term partners, it should be expected that you would attend this type of function together. His behaviour is sketchy as fuck, even if he wanted to spend time with his friends, I’m sure you would be able to amuse yourself for a while when you’re there. This says to me he is up to something and is being deceptive, he is planning on seeing someone that maybe he shouldn’t. If he really wanted time with his friend, which is absolutely not a big deal he could have just mentioned that to you so you knew to mingle with other guests while he has time with his friends. His attitude is pretty shitty. Personally I’d be rethinking the whole relationship
By the way he is acting it seems that he is trying to hide something and he is looking to provoke a fight and get you to not go, which is super weird.
I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that the BF at some point found out his childhood crush(or ex) is single and going to wedding. To be clear this is total conjecture and not based on anything except the clues you picked up on and shared with us. Could just be that he wants to “party with the boys” too so take that into consideration. Hope you figure it out soon.
Are you sure he’s your boyfriend? It sounds like he never wanted you there for a reason.
Anyways, you deserve a whole better than this.
OP doesn’t realize the BF wants to attend the wedding as a single person. He’s planning on cheating on you while away, wake up and leave his manipulative a$$.
Something is not right. He asked the bride if you were invited then all of a sudden doesn’t want you there? It sounds like he wants to go there single and that does not bode well for your relationship.
Tell him fine you won’t go but he needs to reimburse you for the dress you bought since you waited to confirm you were going before buying it. This was really shitty of him and I have concerns if this is how he handles himself rather than simply communicating like an adult.
I just want to point something else out here. Not only is he being disrespectful to you, acting childish to curve you not to go, he’s being disrespectful to the bride and groom. Presumably you have big RSVPed, the bride and groom have planned for a specific number of guests and have already paid for food for you. Him forcing you out of going is literally wasting their money.
Not to mention if he wanted to spend time with his friends in not sure why your being there would cause a problem. You even could have gone a day early or stayed a day late so he could hang out with them more before it after the wedding. Instead he took the approach of just acting like a jerk to try to force you to decide not to go.
First of all Girl this is a WEDDING not a fishing trip. Not a guys night out it’s litterally a night about love and relationships why wouldn’t he want you there? I thought it was a typical thing to not want to go to weddings alone because of how single you’d feel. I just want to know what he plans on doing at the wedding that he feels like you can’t be there for? He said “I just wanna have fun with ny friends?!” But what’s the fun you plan on having at a wedding that u feel would be appropriate not to bring a girlfriend?? It’s not like their gonna shotgun beers, play videogames, or talk about relationships! Does his other friends not have dates?? This is the part I’m confused on.
You request your gas money back.
You’ve been with this man for 6 years and he treats you like this?
I’m wondering how he explained to both his Mom and the Bride your lack of attendance. I’d call them both while he’s gone to apologize to both for your sudden absence.
I just can’t imagine treating someone you love this way. It’s extremely selfish and inconsiderate. Your boyfriend is very immature and/or hiding something from you. And you are being far too accommodating, as in a doormat. It sounds like you’ve been together long enough that things like gas money should be a no-brainer. He deliberately excluded you from an event he knew you were looking forward to. Is this the first time something like this has happened? If it were me, it would be the last time.
Hey this might be teaching and this is just the vibe I was getting. Is there an ex going to be there? Or maybe there is someone else he is interested in. This tends to be a cheater thing where they try to make you look and feel like the one that’s wrong. Maybe it’s just shitty communication that he needs to work on before the relationship moves forward. Treating you like that is not ok.
i would be very suspicious of this… my boyfriend is one of my best friends and i always want him in on my plans… seems kind of weird to me he would want you there and then change his mind. if i was you i would still go.
your bf’s friends will attend the wedding with their girlfriends or wives,
excuse is not valid.
What is your reason for continuing the relationship with this man?
I’m sorry i stop reading at the part where you supposedly agreed on the fact that of the dress didn’t look good in you, you wouldn’t go?
Your boyfriend is a dick.
You’ve been with this guy 6 years and he doesn’t want you to come with him to his best friend’s wedding? That’s weird.
Putting that aside, the way he treated you is unacceptable. I’m willing to bet this isn’t the only time he’s acted this way either. You deserve better than this.
The bottom line is maybe he found out someone from his past was going to be there and didn’t want you there. He sounds sneaky.
He is cheating.
No way he only wanted space just to hang out with friends.
You said it yourself, you know his friends they have stayed over before, you know other people at the wedding you can also take care of yourself.
He has something else going on.
Be sure to check his messages, that one cannot be trusted.
$50 says there’s another woman involved in this. An ex or someone he wants to hook up with while he’s there.
A few thoughts.
Is there an old gf who will be attending the wedding he really wants to see?
You describe how you know and get along with his friends and that you know other people there and would be ok on your own. If this is all true, and I believe you that it is then his reluctance to take you is irrational. If you knew nobody and would be clingy to him all night then maybe but that’s how it is sometimes when your plus 1 only knows you. That’s not the case here so that’s why I suspected something may be up. Is an old gf suddenly single/divorced?
If all that isn’t the case then how do you normally talk to each other and work out issues? It’s been 6 years. I found that discussion about gas money to be disturbing. Does he think that your weight will provide sufficient drag to the vehicle reducing fuel efficiency on a trip he was making anyways?
He was cruel and angry for no obvious reason. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. I’m concerned you’re so used to it you do see it.
>I didn’t want to fight
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>he refused [to talk] and walk out of the room.
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>he waited until the last minute to tell me and that I had to basically force it out of him to tell me
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>he holds in and then just blows up.
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>We are each other’s first official relationship
This is not a healthy relationship. He made you cry and doesn’t care.
Its weird that one minute you were invited then…not. You sure he doesnt want to go there to act single or say something like “oh we are having problems” and his childhood sweetheart is going to be there or something? I could be wrong but I get the vibes.