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Ive (18F) had a friend (18F) for a long time. we have both finished highscool and have gotten jobs/in college. I am very fortunate as I am very close with everyone at the company i work for. I often go to shifts early or stay late after ive finished so we can spend more time together. This older friend from highschool has started to irritate me. Shes always been quite a sensitive person which wasnt rll an issue in the past. However past few months i started hanging out more with my work friends , especailly past month or so as they are leaving the company and will be gone for travelling for a long time so I wont be able to see them for some time. I also, during last two weeks of this month, met someone (21M) who i started dating. However he was leaving the country shortly after i met him so I spend a lot of my free time seeing him as much as possible before he left. My friend said she understood the situation and was supportive the whole time i talked to her about this guy. so in conclusion past month I was spending more time with other people and not her. Plus I wasnt feeling the best so i was more closed to myself during this time. I only saw people i had to and that I wasnt gonna be able to see.
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she messages me very recently and says that Ive been a bad friend for not checking up on her during this time as shes been under a lot of stress which i knew about. she said i was seeing all these people but not once made efforts to see her even though I told her i was sorry after a previous argument we had. I explained to her that i understand where its coming from but It wasnt anything personal and that i didnt think it would upset her this much that I didnt make an effort to see her, seeing as were very close and thought we were able to not talk and still be close with each other. I told her i was also going through stress at the time and I only saw the people that were leaving, if she wanted to vent or advice she couldve contacted me cuz she knows Im always here for her.
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she said she couldnt contact me because i was acting weird and distant so it put her off. I told her i was sorry for not being as attentive to her while she was under stress but same time i was also not in a position to deal with anyones problems except my own. I also told her that its normal for people to grow distant and sometimes see each other less as they grow up in life. every reason/explanation i gave to her she took as me being defensive. she then told me that she felt i prioritized a guy i knew for a few days over her even though few messages before that she said she understood that situation and wasnt mad about it. when i told her shes not always my number one priority she told me “i dont have to be” yet she gets mad when i give her less attention. She said that best friends should always be a priority otherwise theyre just regular friends. i got really frustrated cuz we were going back and forth for hours. I told her that Im always gonna be my priority over anyone and that if my efforts arent enough as a friend for her thats out of my control.
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Am I toxic for wanting my freedom, i love my friend but i dont think i should have to meet all these expectations she has of me so she thinks im a good friend. She brought up past arguments we had which i thought was childish and somehow expected me to do more to prove to her i was sorry about it.
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im trying to grow as a person but i feel like shes holding me back. I dont owe her anything and she doesnt owe me anything, im here for her but im tired of having to explain myself all the time. last year she got pissed because i hung out with some of our friends without her.
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i dont think its worth it anymoore even though weve been friends for such a long time.
TL;DR: My highschool friend is upset I havent been giving her as much attention. We got into an argument and i dont know if its in my head or if shes actually being toxic.
3 comments
You don’t owe her attention and if she wants to talk to you, she can talk to you. You weren’t directly avoiding her ot doing anything malicious. Seems she can’t accept that sometimes she’s just not going to be the one you run to immediately. I would cut back on contacting her for awhile.
She’s a poor communicator — launching into a YOU NEVER rather than expressing that she feels a little hurt and lonely, that she misses hanging out with you and was sad that you put so much focus on other people that you two couldn’t hang out. She had a bunch of stress yadda yadda.
Her view of “best friends” is highly possessive and something you need to discussion, though it’s not clear she can.
You can research good communication (“nonviolent” communication, google it) and assert some boundaries that you want in your friendship. It may be that as you have changed and grown that’s not going to work with what she wants. Some compassion for her will go a long way — she seems to feel vulnerable to losing you as a friend and isn’t handling it well. it’s still on her to do so though.
I sometimes feel guilty about not reaching out to certain friends but then i remember that this is a two way street, it shouldnt be on you to reach out to her.