I (25)M and my (26)F fiancé get married next month. I love her and want to marry her but having issues with how the wedding is being planned. Basically we where supposed to get married in 2021 but Covid made it too hard to do and had to go with this year no problem. We looked for venues with hopes to keep the wedding between 5k and 9k. Where we live that is hard to do but possible. We found a venue that you only pay by the people awesome I only had like 12 people on my side I was inviting and her side around 60. That keeps us way under budget. Her parents and my dad are helping we didn’t ask for help but greatly appreciated it. Everything was going smoothly till our guest list grew over 50 more people which would have brought our budget over. My fiancé got pressured by her family to invite family we don’t like or ever see. I told her we can’t we have this budget for a reason so we can have money after for a down payment on a house. Plus we have 2 daughters and I don’t feel comfortable paying so much when we have kiddos to care for. She keeps telling me her arms are tied. Ok whatever then cut back on the decorations a bit…. Nope more and more keeps showing up… ok cool don’t check with me now. Well we can cute back on the bridal shower and do something small… nope let’s get a big ass venue for it. All decisions are made by others not me included and when I say cut stuff down it’s met with sadness or deaf ears. I get it’s her dream of a beautiful wedding but i didn’t want this big wedding to begin with and my brain tells me a house and financial structure for my girls is more important then a one day party. How would any of you navigate this situation I don’t know if me not wanting a big wedding is clouding my thought process. Help please.
29 comments
Seems like it’s gonna be more than a wedding decided by others. Next the home you want will be next and etc.
How I would navigate this: not marry a fiscally irresponsible person who lets their family dictate her decision making.
You need to iron this out now before you get married. Sit down and talk about your budget. How much are you budgeting for each part of the wedding, and how much are you budgeting for a house? If you have no clear budget, you saying no for an unclear amount on a hypothetical house is going to sound like you’re using a future house as an excuse to poo-poo things, instead of sounding like a solid budget reason. Sort out your finances and budgets together, and talk about what kind of wedding you actually want. If you want to downsize, then pay for it yourselves. If you’re gonna accept money, you have to accept the strings that come attached. But if the co-hosts want to invite other family, then they need to pay for it instead of making you pay for it. And don’t throw your own bridal shower, that’s considered pretty rude and gift grabby.
This sounds like it will become a bigger issue once you get married and if I were you I’d be having second thoughts. She doesn’t seem to be financially responsible, willing to stand up to her family, and what’s probably the most concerning is that she doesn’t even care to what you think and get your input/opinion on it. She’s making decisions regarding the BOTH of your wedding, with no regard for what you think or how it could hurt your family. You bring up your valid concerns and she ignores them and acts sad until she gets her way. You need to have a serious discussion with your fiancé. She has no problem spending all this money and being a doormat for all these other people.. yet when it comes to you she has no issue walking all over you. That’s concerning.
I wish the best for you and your fiancé but financial compatibility can determine the success of marriages and your situation sounds like a bit of a warning for what is to come. Maybe try to talk to your fiancé and explain your concerns and mention your point about your daughters. If your children aren’t even enough for you both to agree on a budget you probably have a lot to rethink.
Tell her that the wedding is off. She can scale the wedding back to something small, say 24 people, or you can elope, but if this fiasco goes through, she’ll be standing at the altar alone.
You can tell her that if you’re wishes are not taken into consideration then the wedding should be postponed.
You are choosing to be more passive than is wise in this situation. You can, quite rightly, identify all the issues, but you arent doing much about them. Pointing out problems to a person making bad call after bad call in the hopes it corrects itself will not yield the results you want. You alone have the power to stop it, even if it means you have to take drastic action such as halting proceedings. This is a tableau of how your life will be moving forwards unless you act, and soon. Set clear boundaries and stand by them. Be prepared to walk away. They are showing you little respect and this bodes poorly for your happiness moving forwards. If you love her and want to make it work, you will have to get involved directly. No more hints and requests.
I would cancel or delay everything till you guys have an agreement on what both of your wedding will be. I would also wait till your partner grows a backbone and respects you enough to consult you and keep her stupid ass family out of your guys’ business. If she won’t comprise period drop her and find a real loyal partner to replace this defective one.
It seems like this wedding has snowballed into something completely different from what it was supposed to be in 2021. I would to tell your fiancé you want to press the reset button on the entire thing and start from scratch. My husband and I got married during COVID, and we had a 12 guest Christmas themed wedding, and it was great.
I don’t know that there’s much you can change now. Most of the money is probably spent by now. But sit down with your fiancee, look at the numbers and how far they are over the budget you two agreed on, and reduce each thing as much as possible. That’s all you can do other than cancel.
And she loses the ability to manage the budget going forward bc she clearly can’t.
Her family needs to pay the difference
The fact that everyone else is making decisions on matters that you as a couple should be in charge of is a huge red flag. The wedding is paused or cancelled till she sees sense. If she can’t see you as her future and put her family in their place, then I would call the whole thing off
Once they know they can dictate to you, it will NEVER end. This will be how your marriage goes – with you as a minority share holder.
Cancel everything, cut your losses and just get it done at the courthouse
Do you really want to marry someone who would rather sacrifice your financial stability to people please?
You need to put your foot down, this is not her wedding it’s YOUR wedding
The 2 of you need some therapy quick!
She is letting her family take control and not letting you say no.
Her family can cover the difference!!
but…muh, it is her “special” day.
Seriously, this is the beginning of much worst things to come. Call of the wedding or you’ll keep getting screwed once you’re locked. Divorce will cost you even more.
Tell her that her arms are not tied. The family members who suggest bigger guest list, more elaborate decors can help pay for it because just be straight and be like, Nope, not able to afford it.
If she kept adding on the expenses, you’d be forced to request monetary donation from the guests. I don’t know where you are, some Asian culture (part of mine) actually is a given for guests to be gifting $$ (in addition to items) to bride and groom. And I’ve even heard couples who would request $$ instead of having a wedding registry. If your wife is ashamed to do that, then maybe just stick to the budget.
You have 2 daughters, I’m assuming you want to save money for them too, right in addition to have enough $$ for house downpayment? Ask your wife, which is more important one-day party or being able to buy a house asap?
ETA:
Approach it like this to her: Tell her that you understand that she’s under a lot of pressure, but remind her that this is your wedding too and you’re under a lot of pressure too emotionally and financially.
Ask her if it’s more important for her to be standing all by herself at the altar with her family present.
Or is the wedding supposed to be for you and her?
She may have to be ‘shaken’ up to realize that your opinion and feeling matter too.
Is this how you want to live? Being ignored. Having your feelings and opinions dismissed? Your wife catering to her family to the detriment of you and your children?
Look at your budget and determine how much you can pay. Tell the others who are booking all these events and inviting all these guests that anything over that amount is their responsibility. You cannot sacrifice your family’s security and your sanity because other people want a bigger, more elaborate wedding than you have planned. If need be, go to the florist or the venue or whomever else, and tell them you’re paying $XX (which hopefully was agreed on previously) and that’s it. If others want to foot the bill for the rest, let them.
Time to pump the brakes. If you two can’t agree on the wedding budget & guest list, things will not get better after the wedding. Time to prolong the engagement until everyone is on the same page. If you’re inviting 12 & her side is up to 110 Yikes! If the kids are both of yours it may not be so easy to cancel the wedding. I guess you have to look at the pros & cons of a unhealthy marriage vs child support. Best of Luck
Sucks getting railroaded like this, personally id demand her family start kicking in more money if they want a big wedding, stick to you and your parents original budget
This is a terrible start to a marriage and sorry to say it won’t change.
Sounds like the wedding needs to be postponed or cancelled
You need to put your foot down toxic family will be the end of you
This is how your life with this person will be . If you don’t like the way this is going , you will hate the way your life with them will be .
I would give her an ultimatum: you’ll pay the amount you agreed at the start and if she wants more for the wedding, she can pay for it with her own money.
Tell her. It’s your wedding too
There’s an old piece of advice that is passed down from ages …. “Start as you mean to go on”.
The beginning of each stage of a relationship sets a pattern (or precedent) of how things will be done, what is okay and what isn’t.
Imagine being treated the same way for the next 20 years.
Setting standards is uncomfortable and awkward, but it HAS to be done.