My Bf (25M) and I (25F) have been together 5 years and live together for 2 years. We both work full time and make similar salaries. He is my best friend and I love doing things with him. What I worry about is our future. He says he wants kids in the future and so do I but I know he isn’t going to be a good father and that I would most likely have to teach him everything to do while also raising kids.
I know this because we adopted a dog together about 1 1/2 years ago and that’s how it has been. I do everything and I have to teach my BF how to train the dog, I make the vet appointments, and everything else. I ask him to step up and it will last a few days, maybe a week, then things are back to the same. I am also the one that does most of the choirs, plans all our vacations, date nights, hikes, etc.
It’s been difficult because I feel like he is just happy to be in a relationship but doesn’t put much effort into it. He is a bit immature imo because he doesn’t take responsibilities seriously. This worries me about our future, getting married and starting a family. I get stressed easily and deal with anxiety so I may be overthinking it all but I imagine day 1 having a baby and he will be unable to effectively take care of me or the baby if I need him too.
I know I’m looking far in the future but I think it may be a compatibility issue between us. Is this a common reason couples would break up? Do you think it’s a deal breaker?
TLDR : I’m worried Bf won’t be a good father in the future and think it might be a dealbreaker.
14 comments
What does he say when you bring this up?
If you’ve been living together for a while. And this is the way he is, then I would say that’s the way he will probably be. You can give it another year. Talk to him about your concerns. See if he will take on more responsibility. And if he doesn’t. Then go your separate ways
If you have a gut feeling, then you should listen to it. 25 is to old to be leaving everything to you. I know it’s completely different having a dog than it is having a baby, but do you see him changing this behaviour? Do you think he would step up and help you? He’s becoming dependant on you fixing things for him and it’ll probably get worse.
I really don’t understand why people wanna breakup for everything nowadays. Most people that post here are either asking if it’s right to BU for this or some random stranger suggests them to BU. Grow up, work it out, have some balls. You were with this person for so many years doesn’t that count for anything. Is this what love and commitment stands for.
Women compatibility is built on strong communication it’s not gonna be like a puzzle game. You thinking about BU makes me feel like you’re already 50% out the door. I really hope god gives this man some strength if you ever decide to backstab this good guy.
It looks like you’re carrying all of the “mental load” in your relationship. If you haven’t heard of it yet, you should definitely look it up.
There’s a great article about it called something like “She left me because I left dishes by the sink”.
You have to realize that he will probably never change.
lol. People are normally better with kids. At least in my experience. I’ve seen people lazy as fuck with animals and they make great parents
I say go with your gut feeling and do what’s best for you. Sometimes you do have to think realistically with your relationship no matter how much you love the other person. Love isn’t going to be much help when you have a crying newborn and you’re only getting 4 hours of sleep a day bc your partner isn’t an equal parent. Literally look on AITA or this sub for posts women wrote about how their husband’s refuse to help out and they’re stuck in this cycle and can’t end it.
I don’t know if it’s common, but it sure is valid. Dating is a preview to married life and you don’t want what you’ve seen. Wanting a partner who will be an equal partner in child rearing is valid a valid deal breaker.
Never ignore that little voice in your head, because it’s almost always right. If you are having misgivings now, think about how this extends in 10 or 20 years. You could do it all on your own, but why would you want to? Listen to yourself and act accordingly.
Since your gut feeling tells you to break up with him you should do it as gut feeling always tells right things that we most of the time failed to act on. You are not a bad person for wanting to break up with him over this as you cannot take a risk of becoming parents with him where you are sure that he will not become a good father at all.
Nobody wants to baby their partner while raising an actual baby. It’s a very valid reason to break up
I mean even if he doesn’t compare the dog to a child, the fact that you both chose to get a dog and now you are bearing most of the responsibility is a concern. Like babies include a lot more chores, if you’re already bearing most of the housework can you actually rely on him to do his part?
The only person you can actually determine this with is him, you need to have a big conversation and see how you feel, cuz if your gut is telling you to leave after you’ve been with him for 5 years, it sounds like you know the answer and just need it clarified
Good to hear you’re thinking of these things!! I wish more parents were like you. You are going to be a great mom!
I think you should trust your instincts. It is really tough raising kids and you need a strong partner. My wife and I raised two kids and we struggled at times. But, we had each other’s backs. She definitely spent more time parenting the kids than I because I worked outside the home. But, I was present and did what I could to share in the responsibilities.
are you me? this was my literal same EXACT predicament and i broke up w him 2 weeks ago. still love him to death and it’s very sad but it has been so liberating to listen to my gut. nothing compares to that