Was I groomed? (19f + 14f) (More complicated than that read post)

This has been bothering me. I consider what happened to have been grooming but my main fear is telling other people and them saying that no it wasn’t grooming. I don’t know anymore.

When I was 11, I joined Instagram. I soon after joined a roleplay group, and I met a girl in there who was like 16. A group chat eventually formed with everyone who was close and joked soon after I turned 12. I was the youngest member, her being the oldest.

We started a new roleplay group (never sexual) and made characters together, and my character was shipped with hers.

When I was 14 was when we were speaking privately in DMS the most. She was 19 and this time, and I had known her for three years. I called her my online big sister. I loved her a lot.

It was when we started speaking privately she asked me inappropriate things about my character. It started off with us just making jokes, talking about them making out and all more fluffy and light things. Eventually, we one-day got onto the topic of how our parents never talked about sex with us.

She shared some of her knowledge and said she was glad to finally have someone to talk to about this stuff basically. From then on our conversations about our characters got more and more sexual.

Also. She knew I was 14. She knew my age since I was 12 and sent me birthday messages. This was never a surprise to her.

Another thing to note. This character, although being male, was heavily based on myself and kind of intertwined with my growth. I made him when I was 12/13, and I was completely alone because it was when the pandemic hit. I played around with writing for him and drawing him because I had nothing else to do. He eventually just became how I expressed myself, and my coping mechanism. He’s a teddy bear that I take everywhere just in case I freak out and need to squeeze him.

He is heavily based on my own personality, and he even has the same freckle pattern on his face as I do, since I wanted him to look like me. At the time since there was so little going on in my life when I made him, he became a huge part of everyday life for me. He was who I was.

Back to everything now those details are there.

Even in conversations where it didn’t have any place, she would bring up how funny it was that he loved her boobs, that she was so incredibly hot and he was super horny for her. I allowed this conversation since I indulged in it. My parents sheltered me from learning any of it except on my own, and I was learning new things about sex both from her and on my own so I could interact with her better.

It just got worse and worse. I deleted chats to hide them from my parents because they got too horny then I’d ever like them to see if they ever snooped through my phone. At one point I wrote a short story about them, but joked about it being porn I wrote of them before I sent it to her. She freaked out and was begging me to send it.

She would ask me stuff like what my characters kinks were. I was new to sexual things so I ended up just telling her stuff I thought I might like, which then resulted in her saying how hot it was. She would tell me she was envisioning our characters having sex, graphic details like how he definitely had scratches on his back after she bit and scratched him.

She would tell me sometimes about how she was trying to ‘reality shift’ so she could be with a fictional character she loves, telling me another person she knew shifted and had sex with him and after the conversation with them she wanted to try very hard to shift.

At one point, she recommended me her favorite fanfiction of the character she loved. She neglected to tell me there was graphic erotica in it, although I had already read things like this before so I wasn’t shocked. I just sent a funny message after I read it like ‘Woah haha wasn’t expecting that’ and she said how well written it was and how that was her favorite fanfiction ever and she loved it.

Icing on the cake? I got uncomfortable after a while, and especially after the scenario where she thought I wrote her porn and begged me to send it, I sent a half serious message about ‘Its weird to me since I’m 14 and would be writing porn for a 19 year old.’ Her response? ‘Age doesn’t equal innocence 🙈😳’

Eventually I told her completely to stop. I couldn’t do it anymore, every single day her saying stuff about how hot his kinks were, literally begging me if I could come up with more kinks for him. She said she was sorry and had no idea I didn’t like what was happening. Then?

I decided to message her a few more times, and then stopped. I wanted to wait and see if she would initiate a conversation with me if we weren’t talking about our characters having sex. And she never did it. She never sent me a message again, months later. It confirmed to me that she only talked to me as an outlet for her sexual ideas.

Nowadays she’s blocked on everything. I hate what she did to me. I struggled with sexualizing everything around me because she lead to me getting an addiction to erotica written porn. I was fourteen fucking years old. I still get so angry at what she did sometimes because I realize even just a year later that I was so naive because she had been my friend for years.

I have friends that are still friends with her. I never told them why I don’t talk to her anymore, and I don’t know if I can. I have incredibly little friends, and I don’t want to loose them because I don’t know if they’ll say ‘That wasn’t grooming.’ and stay with her instead of choosing me.

I feel like that was grooming. She wasn’t a physical person in my life ever, only online, and her sexual questions weren’t directed at me, they were directed at my character. But because I had to pull from knowledge I was gathering for myself, a lot of answers ended up just being my own.

I don’t know. That’s why I’m posting this for randos opinions and hoping someone can give me some actual insight.