TLDR: My mother(80F) promised my sister(60F) 100k, after selling one of our properties. From that property, I received 10k, her 60k and the rest of my siblings got 5k each. This was a year ago. Now my sister is demanding the rest of the money my mother promised now, and wants me to take out a loan on my house to pay it. I don’t know what to do, this is stressing me out.
I am a first time poster on reddit, sorry for any mistakes. Also I hope this is alright to post here, let me know if I should post elsewhere.
Essentially, my mother and sister, who I will call mom and Ray, are pressuring me to take out a loan on my home in order to give it to Ray. Originally after selling one of our properties the deal was to give Ray 50k, but mom had discussed giving her more. She gave her an extra 10k, (just for fun????) and I was meant to pull the other 50k out of my ass. I conceded originally, never giving a proper time frame as to when I would give it, because I have my own things to pay off. No one helps me with this, I pay my bills and for my family (mom included) by myself.
The 50k Ray received was barely given to her a year ago, it will have been a year in June. Since then, she has bought a new house and now owes money to the IRS because she hasn’t been filing her taxes since 2018. She wants the money from the loan I would be paying off to pay for that and my theory is to give her daughter (30sF) a nice birthday party, hence why she wants it in June. Also, since Ray is retired she gets at least (i believe) 7k each month in retirement money, but I don’t know where that goes.
Now, this isn’t the first time I have had to take out a loan for Ray. Not long before this, I had finished paying off a mortgage I had taken out on my house to give Ray money, which my mom and dad (who passed) had been helping me pay off. That was when my home was in Rays name. Now it is in my name, and because of that she is convinced I can take out another one. Originally my plan was to give money to her at the end of the year, after I have paid off my credit cards, but she is demanding it now. I have talked with the bank and was told I can take out 100k, of which she would be getting 50k and 30k would go to pay off my credit cards and some to house taxes + home repairs. I would maybe be left with 15k at most. Also I would be paying off the loan by MYSELF as my mom wouldn’t be helping me make the payments. This, on top of all the bills I already pay, taking care of my family ect, I simply cannot afford. The top two floors of my house are being rented, but I barely see any of that money, as my mom takes care of that. I barely make 2k a month as it is, so it is beyond me why they believe I can pull 50k from thin air.
This all happened because of an empty promise on my mothers part, and my sister being irresponsible with her money. It seems as though with every problem in my family I am the scapegoat and it is stressing me out beyond belief. Not just with Ray, but the rest of my siblings, it seems as though I am always getting the short stick. No one helps me, no one considers me, not even my mom, even though I am the only one who cares for her at this point. Yet, despite all this, I am expected to save them and am called selfish and spoiled when I can’t. In the end I only see two solutions. I either sell the house I’m currently living in, take my two kids and just have an apartment that is MINE and mine alone. I would leave my mother with Ray, give them some money and maybe have some peace for once, just getting away from it all. Another part of me wants to concede again, take out the loan and demand my mother helps me make payments. Either way, I’m tired of not being considered, or thanked, or helped, I just want to be at peace.
Is there any advice you guys have in regards to this? Anything else I can do, how I can stand my ground or any opinions from an outside perspective? I can offer up additional information if necessary. I’m just so tired.
34 comments
do not give Ray money. that was your mother’s promise, not yours. I would suggest option 1 minus giving them any money. it doesn’t sound like you owe them anything so why give up any money?
This is probably the most toxic family dynamic I have come across here. I am sorry for what you have had to deal with. First of all your 60 year old sister needs to get a grip.
If you continue to concede and do whatever your family wants you will always be their scapegoat.
You have to be stern and say no. Especially if they are never considerate of you. What if something happens to YOU or your children? Are they going to support you, like you have supported them?
No, they aren’t.
It is not selfish to take care of yourself!!!
Why would you need to sell the house you are currently living in if you own it? Why can’t you just say, “No, I am not going to give you money” and go on with your life? There seems to be some info you left out of your post that would explain that. You mention wanting an apartment that is yours and yours alone, is your house not yours if it is currently in your name?
I don’t understand why you need to pay this? Like my mom promised me $30k 5 years ago and gave me $10k….so can I give you my address so you can send me the money my mom promised me? Because if you’re handing out money…
But seriously unless your mom can’t pay your sister because you owe your mom the money this isn’t your issue
DO NOT TAKE OUT A LOAN
You need to take out a loan or use your savings, and pay for some therapy for yourself in order to be able to draw boundaries with your insanely toxic family.
Don’t do this. They’ll have you in debt for the rest of your life. If they are this bad with money it’s guaranteed that this will happen again in the future and they’re going to ask for more and more money until you have nothing left.
Here’s what you do: say NO. Absolutely not. If they continue to harass you, cut off contact.
If your mom promised your sister 100k but only gave her 60k, and now your sister wants the rest, that is for them to solve between them, in a way that does not involve you.
Listen to me: you have two kids? It is your duty to do right by them and they should be your first priority.
Don’t take out a loan, just don’t, it’s not your responsibility.
Are you happy where you are living ?
If you are then Do Not sell the house, do not give them any money.
You mom not you made a promise.
Your sister is at fault here, she needs to get her own affairs in order.
You are being financially abused by your sister. Stop enabling their terrible financial illiteracy and get some boundaries for yourself and your family’s sake. Your other siblings likely stand up for themselves but you have yet to do so.
These are the types of people that will likely open a credit card in your name or try to take a loan out in your name, so make sure they don’t have enough of your identifying documents to do that.
ITS A TRAP..THEY WILL NOT BE LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT DEBT. They can turn around and say “We never said that”. I went through a similar experience with my own mother and she flipped it around (mind you debt was under my name EVENTHOUGH she’s the one who spent the money, not me) and said “I payed for things when you were a child, I don’t owe you anything”. So, PLEASE OP, DON’T FALL FOR IT. PLACE BOUNDARIES AND DONT LET FAMILY PRESSURE MAKE YOU TO COMMIT THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. And if your family KEEPS PUTTING YOU PRESSURE, then it’s time cut ALL CONTACT. ✂️ ✂️ ✂️ ✂️ ✂️ ✂️
All you do is keep saying NO.
Do not offer justifications. Keep answering NO.
You are a serious doormat, nothing else. You can choose to refuse but not to. You can choose to deny them any more money but you choose not to but you whine and whine about the problem like it is nuclear science. You are almost maybe over 50 so when are you gonna learn to stand up for yourself?
“No.” This one isn’t difficult.
You are already enabling this behaviour against your wishes by not putting your foot down. If you fulfil this promise, this will become the reason you get called out on not fulfilling every future promise you never made.
The IRS will accept a payment plan. So she can pay them $100 a month and shut up.
Also, where is her money going? My guess, drugs. That’s the fastest way to burn through thousands.
Why do you keep taking out loans for Ray? Why is your mother taking your rental money? Why are you financially responsible for your mother’s promises? Why are you agreeing to any of this.
Good god woman. Tell them no. Tell these literal OAPs to fuck off and pay for themselves. What on earth makes you owe them a damn penny?
Don’t sell your house, just learn not to answer the damn door. You don’t Ower a single one of these leaches a damn penny.
I can’t understand why you’d even consider doing it? It’s laughable.
Aaaaaaaabsolutely not. If your family want to burn through money that’s up to them. Don’t get into debt yourself to allow them to do it even more.
No, just no.
I had to stop reading this as it made my head hurt.
Tell them to get fucked. Why would you go into debt to give your sister money that your mum promised to give her?
Makes literally no sense and if you do this get ready to continue doing it because they know how easy you are to manipulate.
You *literally* just say no, my gosh.
You might as well burn that money if you do this
Now, this isn’t the first time I have had to take out a loan for Ray
Nope. Yo are under NO obligation, legally or morally to take out a loan for Ray. Stop doing this. You are being bullied and exploited.
Sell your home, move far away and cut all contact.
“no, I am not giving money to Ray. Stop demanding that I do or this conversation is over.’ If they continue to mention it walk away/hang up the phone/block them from texting.
Don’t compound your previous mistakes of trying to win their approval by sacrificing your and your family’s financial well being and subjecting yourself to ongoing stress.
Why would you take out a loan to make good on your mom’s promise? How is that any of your business or concern. That is between the two of them. You should use some of that money for therapy. It’s insane you are even considering this request.
Don’t give in, that’s how you got here in the first place. No is a full sentence. But it’s up to you to stop enabling their bs.
This is confusing…your mom promised your sister $100k and you have to pay it? What? Why? Is there something in writing?
You need to say no and you need to get away from these people.
This is a huge yikes. Quit being a doormat. Dont pay any bills except your own and dont give any of them money ever again. You are an adult. Say NO. Or this is your life until you die.
Please go to counselling.
You shouldn’t even be considering this and I think you need to understand what is broken in your “normal meter” that this is even something you’d even consider.
Most people would laugh in their faces, say no. And slam that door so hard they’d feel it throughout their body.
Do not make any decision until you have seen a therapist.
So many questions – why do you have to pay your mother’s debt? Why wasn’t the 100k your mom had last year split equally among all siblings? Why do you have to give your sister money – what do you get in return, or what did you get in return that she now feels she can make these demands? Why isn’t your sister required to pay you back. Why can’t your sister refinance her own house?
Anyway, a thing I wanted to draw your attention to – just because the bank will give you 100k in equity when you refinance, doesn’t mean you should take it all. It will increase your monthly payment, and you’ll pay more interest. Speaking of interest, I don’t know what your interest rate is, but the interest rates right now are pretty high, the highest they’ve been in years. You’d be making a big financial mistake to refinance now and take out so much equity out of your house.
Don’t do it because it’ll never end. She’ll be back next year after she pisses away the money you get her now. At some point enough is enough and you are at that point. You can’t put yourself in financial dire straights to get someone out of theirs. They may whine and cry a bit but you and yours comes first. Time to stand up or they’ll just keep running you over.
“I’m sorry. The bank won’t give me a loan”
Do you own the house you live in outright? Or is it shared with family?
>The top two floors of my house are being rented, but I barely see any of that money, as my mom takes care of that. I barely make 2k a month as it is, so it is beyond me why they believe I can pull 50k from thin air.
I am confused about this part, if its your house, why is your mom profiting from the rental?
>This was a year ago. Now my sister is demanding the rest of the money my mother promised now, and wants me to take out a loan on my house to pay it. I don’t know what to do, this is stressing me out.
I don’t see how what your parents promised to what sounds like your very spoiled sister is somehow your problem. I don’t see it because it’s NOT.
NO is a complete sentence. It sounds like you got screwed so why should you do your mother any favors?
“You only gave me 10k, but you want me to take out a loan to give my sister 4X the amount of money you gave me?”
>No one helps me with this, I pay my bills and for my family (mom included) by myself.
Again, not seeing how this benefits you to help them? So they abuse you a little less temporarily until they make the next awful, selfish, evil demand?
**DO NOT RISK YOUR PROPERTY FOR HER.** would be my advice. Your sister got 60K for nothing, she can figure it out.
>It seems as though with every problem in my family I am the scapegoat and it is stressing me out beyond belief.
Maybe time to go medium then low contact. They sound like users who you don’t really need.
>The 50k Ray received was barely given to her a year ago, it will have been a year in June. Since then, she has bought a new house and now owes money to the IRS because she hasn’t been filing her taxes since 2018.
That amount of incompetence almost sounds hard to believe. I would not bail her out for what? It doesn’t sound she’s even trying to help herself.
Stop enabling these people to be so irresponsible. You’re not selfish, your family is and they’re wrong to try to off load your older sister onto you. She is NOT your responsibility. It doesn’t even sound like you like her very much.
> She wants the money from the loan I would be paying off to pay for that and my theory is to give her daughter (30sF) a nice birthday party,
she…. wants you take a loan out for a birthday party? you sure your sister isn’t on drugs?
>The top two floors of my house are being rented, but I barely see any of that money, as my mom takes care of that.
huh? stop giving these people money?
Nope. Go nc with them
That anyone in your family thinks this is ok is bonkers. If permission is what you need I am giving you full permission to say no to your mom and your sister. It does not make you a bad sister/daughter/person. It is an insane ask, and protecting your own well-being here is clearly necessary since your family has no interest in protecting you.
Boundaries are good they protect you, you deserve safety and respect.
Good luck 🍀