I (24F) am close friends with this dude (24M) for 7 years already. Emotional connection, attraction, and compatibility are all there but we never dated nor spoke about possible feelings for each other even when we were both single. He started dating someone a year and a half ago but recently, he has been asking me for advice about his girlfriend and he talks to me about his life for emotional support. We see each other since we have similar friends.
A few days ago, he told me he has always had feelings for me but never told me for fear of losing our friendship. I realized I felt the same way. He told me he keeps thinking of us together. We didn’t do anything physical but those kinds of feelings were acknowledged and talked about.
Did I get involved in emotional cheating when I was genuine friends with him in the first place and even if I didn’t intend to? How do I not make this into an emotional affair?
tl;dr: How do you differentiate friendship and emotional cheating?
6 comments
He crossed a line by seeking advice about his relationship from you while having feelings for you, and then confessing those feelings (testing the waters) while still in a relationship. So yes, that qualifies as emotional cheating.
In my opinion, it’s not an emotional affair because you are not engaged in romance and lovey dovey talk or using those secret feelings.
You discussed them and how you didn’t want to lose the friendship. So, that’s not an affair to me. An emotional affair is when you are saying you love each other and acting romantic towards each other. This is a friendship with deeper feelings that are not being acted on.
I think it’s unfair to consider every little thing as wrong or an emotional affair. People need close bonds. Friends need to be close and able to confess secrets.
I don’t think the line is all that fine where you can say things switched over into emotional cheating, but I think anytime you are pursuing communication and time with someone with those thoughts running through your head while in a relationship you are venturing into emotional cheating territory. What he SHOULD have done was when he started having feelings for you he should have NEVER discussed his relationship with you, and cut down on the one on one time until those feelings either went away or they broke up.
By the way, don’t trust this guy. People who do this mostly just want a new partner lined up so they don’t have to be alone after the breakup. If he will do this to her he will totally do it to you too.
It definitely sounds like an emotional affair.
If you want to try to save the friendship you will have to set firm boundaries – no flirting, no talking about attraction, no venting about partners, no leaning on you for emotional support. It’ll have to be somewhat business-like – if it can work at all.
Everything before the confession was fine. Now that you’ve both acknowledged your feelings it’s time to take a step back and prevent anything else from happening. If you continue on without making any changes to your relationship you will be nurturing these feelings and stepping into emotional affair territory, which will then lead to a full blown affair. You both need an extended break from each other and he needs to prioritize his relationship with his girlfriend.
It’s an emotional affair if you want to be with him instead of someone else in your life. He is certainly engaging in an emotional affair and you’re enabling it.
It will look like an emotional affair to anyone else if you don’t nip this in the bud now.
Either nip this in the bud because the friendship is gone and has made way to a dynamic of affection and longing like in romantic relationships, or tell him to end the relationship and then be with him once he does.
You’re going down a path of pain for yourself if you try to make him happy here.