I (31/F) have been seeing John (35/M) for a few months and we keep going back and forth between each other’s houses. Since we both rent in a city with a ton of options, we’ve been thinking about renting a bigger place together when our leases are up. We haven’t had a serious discussion about it yet, but frankly I’m nervous.
Lately I’ve been seeing a ton of stories online about how someone moved in with their significant other and then that person immediately turned into a slob when there were zero signs before, or they said they weren’t. I also see a common theme of people trying to argue with the “cleaner” partner, and essentially gaslighting them into thinking that their desire for a clean house was somehow unreasonable or overly controlling. All that (and the horror stories my friends have told) have made me more than a little paranoid.
My question’s in the title, and I’d love to hear input from everyone, be it from people who noticed red flags and got out, people who didn’t notice until you’d lived together for awhile, and people who genuinely feel like the split of household chores is equitable. I’ve never lived with anyone besides a roommate in college, so this is all new to me. I generally don’t have any problems communicating what I want, but it can’t be as simple as sitting down and designating a chore list before you move in with someone, right?
22 comments
A few months is not long enough to know someone to live with them. They could be showing you their A game still. Also, when people say “everything was perfect, he/she was perfect ” until the moved in together and it all changed overnight. They are not being honest. The red flags were there and they chose to ignore them.
Get a cohabitation agreement. Forces the conversation about division of labor, cleanliness standards, etc. More importantly, it should outline financial responsibilities/contributions and what happens with lease, property, pets, etc. in the event of a break up.
There isn’t any guarantee, but you can start by looking at how they maintain their own space, not just at the start when they clean up before you come over, but as you start to have overnights. Is their cleanliness a match for yours? Is their tidiness? If not, are you willing to pick up the slack to get things to your level, or are they willing to do that to get to theirs? You should never assume that they will prioritize your level of anything (including cleanliness) as you.
If there is a big disparity, you need to be willing to accept that you’ll be doing more. I’m sure that’ll get some flack here, but I’ve witnessed more than a handful of relationships fail because one person had a very disparite view of something like household cleanliness, tried to force their standards on the other and ended up generating a lot of animosity and resentment on both sides.
Also keep in mind there may be other areas to split chores. Maybe they do all the outdoor work and only a small part of the indoor. Either way, you need to accept that if you are very particular about something in general, you need to own that yourself or make sure that they are already very similar to you in that particular area.
I would suggest strongly to not move in together until after that 1 year mark. Going through a new relationship while managing a new home is fairly stressful because you have to balance a lot of change at once and often the emotions about both can be hard to process them correctly. There is no rush to the white picket fence. If you two are meant to be you’ll have the rest of your life to share a home.
It’s hard for me to tell you. I’m also afraid to share spaces with my fiance. 🤣.
Consider his likes and dislikes, too. I’m sure we all have idiosyncrasies.
How I judge people is by looking at the places harder to reach. Is there a line if crumbs around the edge of surfaces, have they moved the coffee table to vaccum, is the cooker hood clean and grease free. Is behind the toilet clean, are the taps shiny, etc . It’s easy to spot the ones that cleaned up to make a temporary good impression, and those who are long term consistent in their tidyness.
My Latino exhusband had a spotless place, did all his own chores. However, when married, all the chores became mine with him critiquing how I did them. We were both professionals working outside the home, so I always felt spitting was fair, however it was always a huge issue. So, maybe watch your partner’s family’s view on chores, too?
Don’t move in together out of convivence or saving money. Move in together because you’re ready to take that next step in your relationship. A few months does not sound like you’d be ready. You need more time imo.
Kinda, having multiple night stay overs is good before moving in. But I haven’t had this issue, usually very balanced between women.
Take this for what it’s worth as someone who has never lived with a romantic partner(only roommates).
Evaluate how good they are at maintaining their space and running their life. Is their place consistently at a level of cleanliness thats pretty similar to your own? Do they stay on top of other areas of life or generally seem overwhelmed at all times?
Clean people act like clean people. Clean homes aren’t because someone does 100% of their tidying and cleaning on Sunday. Do they put things away as they use them? Wipe counters as they cook? Have a routine for staying on top of the dishes? Do their storage spaces(cabinets, closets, pantry, etc) tend to have some semblance of order? Those are things you can observe from the get go.
How do they act when they’re at your house? Do they leave things around or generally minimize mess and pick up after themselves as a habit?
This is generally aimed at hetero men but – observe how they are around their parents. Particularly their mom. Does his mom immediately spring in to action and start doing EVERYTHING for him when he’s home? Is he happy to let it happen? Even if he’s clean on his own, that has a pretty terrible precedent set that you’re walking in to. There’s a good chance he will fall in to the same pattern with a romantic partner if that pattern is already established.
I’d start going to long weekends together – 3-4 days – and see how they behave around the house.
My ex shocked me by leaving his jeans right on the table and not removing shoes when he entered the living room, not brushing his teeth in the evenings, piling water and coffee/tea cups in the sink for 2-3 days instead of putting them in the dishwasher or washing them up quickly. I only later discovered that he was depressed, had OCD and obsessive (which explained why he was distracted from normal things and fixated on his triggers and petty arguments) and didn’t manage himself properly, his house was quite messy, his room stuffy, he didn’t want to buy new clothes if they got spots on them. It was all discovered in that 1 trip when I’ve seen the state of his wardrobe and actual mental state when he was relaxed and didn’t have to entertain me.
We broke up after a very short time of seeing each other, but that travel together was revealing.
If you both have decent jobs hire someone to do housekeeping with the extra disposable you save from cohabitating. I wouldn’t overthink this or obsess over it. You’ll only know when you know. If you’re both committed to making it work and making each other happy it will all work. If not, the problems won’t be confined to housekeeping. That’s either his or really both of yours orientation to the relationship or it’s not.
>I also see a common theme of people trying to argue with the “cleaner” partner, and essentially gaslighting them into thinking that their desire for a clean house was somehow unreasonable or overly controlling.
Absolute joke that every thread has to involve gaslighting, red flags, or breadcruming. And in your situation both parties are probably trying to ‘gaslight’ each other. If one is claiming the desire for a clean house is unreasonable, I’ll almost bet the other is claiming that the house must meet certain cleanliness requirements for an arbitrary standard which doesn’t really exist.
My gf and I don’t really bother with a chore list because we know roughly who likes/dislikes whichever chores. Dishes and ironing tend to fall my way, mopping tends to fall her way, and the rest is pretty much whoever has capacity.
In my mind, the biggest thing that makes life easier is not being a jerk and realising people do things differently. I fold my clothes differently to how my girlfriend folds clothes but neither of us ever complain because whether the clothes are folded more narrowly, or more broadly really makes no difference in the long run. And neither of us are paying so it’s a pretty jerk thing to kick up a fuss about something “not done to spec” when the other person is doing you a favour.
Well before I lived with my boyfriend he’d say things like “i need to have a big clean before you come over” so it was already clear that he doesnt clean daily and prefers one big clean. Also the fact his hoover looked brand new was another sign.
He washes up, is generally tidy but he would never think to use the hoover. Just as expected.
Sometimes its annoying, ive definately stopped cleaning as obsessively, i think before i cleaned out of boredom too, an now i resent cleaning when he games but the positives outweigh the odd negative for sure.
Edit: a few ppl are saying wait a year. We moved in after like 8/9 months officially as he had to give 3 months notice but was practically moved in at 4 months. Also moving in is easier as theres less risk to you if it fecks up and you both have to move or one stuck with rent they cant afford
I think communication is key. What the expectations would be, etc. I moved in with my boyfriend and he is a total slob. He will make a sandwich and leave out the bread, mayo, lunch meat for God knows how long. Empty water bottles everywhere. Spills something, grabs a paper towel to wipe it up but just leaves it on the counter. How hard is it to throw shit in the trash can? It’s taking me to my breaking point.
See if he does his own housework and picks up after himself at yours. Say nothing, just observe
Um I’m already messy, I think my SO can be messy. There is a big difference between messy and dirty too and maintenance cleaning can keep things more bearable. I think an easy thing to watch out for is where do they put things when done? Do they hang up a towel or put laundry in the hamper or the floor. If you cooked did they already offer for dishes? These are very telling behaviors imo.
I’ve lived with a variety of roommates and imo everything comes down to communication and conflict resolution styles. You have to have clear boundaries and expectations and when things aren’t lining up discuss it in a productive manner. Some people respond best to “their chores” dishes while you cook or you wash they fold etc. Some people just need you to ask and they are willing to help but have that oblivious personality that will just watch TV if you don’t speak up. Be aware you might also find that their level of clean doesn’t match up to yours ( = frustrataion, redoing it yourself =resentment). So learn to so say, thank you for doing this. Next time could you try XYZ, demonstrate, talk about how it helps etc. But always thank them. People are pissed if they think you are just being critical of “their” way unless you can positively demonstrate substantial helpful differences (pick your battles).
I’d try some version of the following :
“Hey john, I know we are looking at a bigger place I wanted to compare housekeeping schedules to see how we could keep the new place clean- it’s so much easier to keep clean vs get clean! I usually do laundry 2x week, sweep every few days, mop weekly and deep clean everything once a month. I hate leaving dishes longer than overnight. What about you? Any chores you hate maybe I can help out or things that bug you?”
You’re in a relationship just be open and chat!
The solution to this is not to move in with each other until you know the answer to this. A few months is way too soon to consider it.
Take the next 6-8 months.. stay longer times at each other places.. see how things go. Eventually if he’s a slob, he’ll start falling back into his ways and you’ll see it before you actually live together.
Ask his MOM
That’s too short of a time. I moved in with my now ex after 9 months, and it didn’t end well. There was no discussion either – I changed jobs and was prepared to go long distance, he just decided to come along.
It’s not even the mess part that got me. He became controlling and possessive, and I had zero privacy. I lost myself. He hated when I talked to my friends and insisted on total access to my phone. There were a few red flags before we moved in together that became a lot of red flags.
In the end, you know you best. Do you feel like you know him well enough? Maybe do a trial run of a weekend or something. Be careful.
I was definitely less clean than my ex wife, although I want to say I wasn’t a slob, just less meticulous than she was. I was more comfortable leaving the house temporarily in a bit of a mess if we were busy, or had something to do. She would prefer to pull the e-brake and clean and scrub everything once things got slightly out of tolerance, cancelling or missing out on things if that was required.
I would say it was pretty much obvious this would be a problem from day one but we pursued anyway, being young and idealistic. It ended up being a pretty constant issue during the marriage, not something that caused the divorce but something I am definitely glad to be over with. My point being there were no surprises.
How do they live ? If they live messy… it’s gonna be messy. If they take care of their environment in their own then you are ok.
It’s that simple.