I’m 26F and I’ve only ever dated or been in situationships that have lasted about 1-4 months. It’s hard not to think there is something wrong with me even if I know that’s not true.
There were about 2 guys that I dated in the past few years that I was really into and really liked but it never materialized into anything further. One of these guys were quite recent. Both times I was heartbroken that they just weren’t that into me, not texting much (once a week or less), telling me they’ve just been too busy, or blowing me off. I ended things when I realized they weren’t looking for the same level of commitment or communication as I was. I liked these guys a lot and it breaks my heart that no one has been willing to move mountains for me the way I’ve been willing to do for the guys I’ve fallen for in the past.
I know of bunch of strangers on the internet can’t answer this but when will I get my chance to be loved.
17 comments
I’ve gone through the same thing (F24) I like how you said it – situationship. I don’t know why but I find that people nowadays are very hesitant to get into relationships. I do think that having commitment issues is a bit romanticized in society when it really is not a good thing. I have had my heart broken several times and I am currently on a break from dating.
Can absolutely relate….
> I ended things when I realized they weren’t looking for the same level of commitment or communication as I was.
Punch the shark and have this conversation **before** you invest yourself in these relationships. Discuss expectations and what you’re looking for before or during the 1st date.
$10 says you’re trying to let relationships grow organically and you’re seeing why that doesn’t work when you already know what you’re looking for.
I’m a guy, and I can relate to this. It’s not just a girl thing. Some people just suck and shouldn’t be pretending to look for a relationship when they clearly don’t actually want it.
60M. You are young with a full life to live. I am sure you are a beautiful and intelligent young lady. This life is yours so you take control. If a guy is not up to your expectations move on until you find the right one. At your age, most guys aren’t ready to settle down. Even worse, if you have a type of guy that you are attracted to. My advice, you are lovely, don’t accept anything that is not right for you but don’t fall for a guy until you know him.
Depends on what you mean by moving mountains for them. If you move a mountain but they like moving something else, then you’re moving the wrong shit.
Look there are people out there. You just have to be patient. It may not be what you expect at first, but don’t throw in the towel yet. The guy’s that you mentioned were assholes and they were using you. No one texts once a week. Most people have their phone on them all the time. The ghosting and texts were clues. Not all people are like this because you liked them, it made it hurt even more. I just came out of something similar.
There are people out there who aren’t like them and will appreciate you. If you need to take a break, take one. Live a little, join a club or hang out with friends. Don’t focus so much on this because it’ll only make you run into more people like them. It will come in time. After your break, join a dating site and put exactly what your looking for in your description or tell the next guy up front so there’s no games being played.
Remember give and receive. Don’t give and give. Don’t give someone your all and all your attention if they won’t even give you the time of day.
30M here. Honestly, most guys are used to women either just wanting to be casual or “I’m not sure what I want” (which is usually code for, I want to keep my options open but also not break things off with you completely).
You need to realize what’s common in the dating world so you can be aware of the preconceived notions many guys will have a bout dating.
Also most girls as well as guys at age 26 are just barely beginning to grow into themselves.
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I would suggest being patient, and making a short list of some specific behaviors you want in a relationship (Green flags) and a short list of things you don’t want in a relationship (red flags). Allow that to guide you towards or away from certain guys. Communicate honestly with men you’re interested in about wanting a relationship, if they don’t want that then move on immediately, no hard feelings just accept it and move on.
Take responsibility for the only thing you will ever control in this world, you. Also, I saw you mention in the comments your meaning when saying “move mountains”….. There will be challenges in a serious relationship that your version of “moving mountains” will pale in comparison to. What you described is just someone being healthily engaged in a relationship, not moving mountains.
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Stop getting close to guys before talking to them more about what they want out of a relationship and a partner. Rushing into something because you really like a guy is setting yourself up for failure.
I’m 32m – bit of a role reversal and this reverberates within me on so many levels. I attract people who manipulate and abuse these traits and ultimately I’ve lost touch over the years. It took close to 7 years of celibacy to feel ready to give it all again. And let’s just say that’s not going to well. Current SO tolerates me because of the value I bring, completely ignoring the effort and emotional availability I offer. It’s saddening and defeating to see how so many people are in the same boat.. yet we rarely find one another. It really makes you consider the structures of society and dating culture. Hell I ended up in a monogamous poly relationship where I am monogamous and she is poly. I’ve set aside my values for a day or two a week in the spotlight. The rest of the time my texts/ calls are ignored. My requests and emotions/ needs are ignored. Yet I’ve become so withdrawn from dating culture I’m not wanting to go through it all again. Kind of like settling? She has 3 kids which I IMMENSELY adore and care for. And that has sucked me in as it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Kids, a family, listening to the youngest kid pronounce my name. All I’m missing is the woman who can match or entertain what I have to offer. The older I get the more I realize it’s not about the perfect situation. It’s about finding something tolerable and making the best of it. Deep down I know I’m wrong, but what can I do? I refuse to download dating apps… and socially I’m a bit awkward.
What I’m getting at is.. don’t give up on what you want. Otherwise you’ll wake up one day and realize you’re 32 fuggin years old and are so dissatisfied with your relationship you justify your actions by gluing in the puzzle pieces surrounding the missing piece.
These internet strangers can share similar experiences but also offer bias unlike anywhere else.
When someone moves a mountain for you, chances are it won’t be someone you’re terribly attracted to. That’s life. We move mountains for people who don’t reciprocate and ignore the ones who would move mountains for us. Sometimes we get lucky, though.
Have you ever tried dating the short, ugly men who get no interest from women? You’ll probably find the commitment you’re looking for form them and they’ll love you more than desirable, good looking men will
Think about how hard it is to find a true friend and apply that probability to finding your soul mate. You will need to sort through a lot of people and it’s a numbers game.
Don’t worry OP you will find someone willing to put the same effort in as you!
This is a societal issue, unfortunately. If you look at what we value, in general, as citizens of the modern world, our mentality is more commonly along the lines of, “well what can you do for me?” than, “what can I do for you?”. We are taught to capitalize on everything we can. We are taught that if you settle with one choice you will be missing out on a thousand others. We are sick and we are not willing to admit it.
You should really watch Dylan James on YouTube. He is a mindset coach. He gives great dating advice.
26F here too, and I felt exactly how you feel until about two months ago. Someone will move mountains for you, and it’s obvious when you find that person. I had been through situationship after situationship wondering why they didn’t want to just treat me like a real person and do all the dating stuff. But the thing is people show you their cards pretty quickly. I didn’t realize this until I met my current bf and he was “moving mountains” right off the bat. Making his intentions clear that he was attracted to me and valued me as a person and it made me realize that all the other guys were showing their true colors immediately too. When a guy sees you once a week or less, not that into you and you need to move on. When he’s not texting you about your day or giving you what you would need for communication, move on. If they’re not giving you what you need in the beginning stages they’re not going to magically change and start doing all of that months into it. When people show you who they are; listen. You have requirements to be happy and in a relationship. Don’t drag out situationships in the hopes that they will do those things. Cut them off early when you see the first signs and move on so you can find the person who treats you right. I think about all the time I wasted hoping the guy would do nice or cute things for me, when I could have just seen they weren’t going to do that and moved on with my life.
My best advice: clarify that you are looking for a relationship. Be specific. Not “I’m looking for my person” “seeing what’s out there” but “I would like to find something long lasting and committed. If that’s not your thing, I wish you the best!” Right from the start. Don’t sleep with anybody until you know their intentions. I mean I guess you can but honestly it sounds like your radar isn’t great for people only interested in shallow connections at this stage.
The second thing – learn to communicate your needs. “When you don’t text me for a week, it feels like you’re disinterested and makes me feel insecure. Can you make sure to get in touch with me more often/let me know if you think you’ll be that busy in the future?” If someone responds negatively to a neutral, non accusatory “I” message it’s more about them than you.
Of course I totally have struggled w this too but why bother sussing things out slowly when you can just let them know what they’re in for from the start? The right people will stay.