How do you deal with this when it happens? I know it’s better than being ghosted, but it is normal to be feeling hurt over this?
To give some more context, I’m a 32 yr old woman and went on a date with a guy (30) I met on Hinge. We went out for a drink on last Thursday evening and I thought we had a lovely time! I wouldn’t say we had the most intense spark, but he was pleasant and I felt a growing attraction as we sat and chatted. We left it on a positive note and he mentioned that a buddy of his would be visiting from out of town over the weekend but that he would free up on Monday. So when he texted this morning, I thought it would be a text to make plans, but it was the dreaded “you’re a great girl but I’m not feeling a spark like I hoped I would” etc. And tbh I didn’t see this one coming! It kinda felt like a slap in the face.
I suspect I’m being too sensitive, and I think he probably did the right thing by not leading me on at all, but at the same time I feel a bit downcast that he was so sure I was unsuitable or he wasn’t attracted to me that he made sure to dump me as soon as possible LOL. I guess my question is, how do you not let scenarios like this affect your self esteem? Naturally I’m immediately jumping to the conclusion that I’m unattractive, etc. I think having a history of body dysmorphia disorder is coming into play here. I have a great therapist that I will talk this over with but I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has struggled with this and had any advice for strengthening emotional resilience to rejection?
41 comments
You get dumped from a relationship, you don’t get dumped after a first date. You’re being too sensitive. I know it sucks, you have to mourn the potential there… but time to find the next one.
You’re having a natural reaction.
When you have a seemingly great time, and things end, it’s impossible to not have some type of self-reflection.
As a guy, I can say that guys also go through this all the time, since in a lot of scenarios, you’re the person initiating things — and in a lot of cases, you will get rejected. When that happens, depending on the situation, it gets very easy to focus on this “What am I doing? What can I do better, am I not good enough?” mentality.
It’s best to just think about things a little bit, think if you could improve in some way, but not dwell on it or take it too personally or seriously.
And I genuinely feel that sometimes you can show up well and give it your best, and things still won’t work out. No fault of your own.
You weren’t dumped, you met someone for a drink to assess compatibility and they concluded that you were not compatible. I assume it is a lack of physical attraction, since you say there was nothing particularly off-putting about the conversation. Delete, move on. You will find your person (if that’s what you’re looking for) eventually.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is nothing to be too upset over, it’s literally what dating is: chat a bit, assess compatibility and decide on a course of action.
Think of it this way.
You go to a job interview and don’t get the job. You weren’t fired. You just weren’t a good fit.
You went on a date and didn’t get the relationship. You were not dumped. You just weren’t a good fit.
This is something I’ve been talking about with my therapist lately too, and he gave me some good suggestions that might apply to your situation.
This person has only just gotten to know you. You’ve likely only been exchanging texts for a few days and went on a single date. He doesn’t know you all that well, so all he’s been able to do is build a idea of who he thinks you are based on a handful of interactions that you’ve had together.
So did he reject you? Sorta. He didn’t really reject you, he only rejected the very incomplete picture of you that he was able to glean from a handful of interactions. he never knew you well enough to reject you at a deep emotional level.
Whenever I’m feeling down after a rejection, I reflect on those thoughts, and find that it helps make it less painful.
Another angle to this, it may not just be being dumped that’s hurtful. Being wrong about a situation or person is also hurtful. It damages the trust you have in your own judgment.
I think this is often overlooked reason rejections sting.
You’ll get through this and be stronger for it. 🙂
99.99% of people aren’t the right person for you. He wasn’t the 0.01%. It happens.
This is pretty common for first online dates. Most of my dates are fun because I am a warm and fun person and most people go on dates to have fun. So it is possible the date itself was ok but one person did not feel a romantic connection for whatever reason. And whatever that reason is may be something someone else likes so no real reason to worry about it. Even if this guy found you unattractive or whatever the next person you meet may love your look. Or he could even be dating multiple people and liked one of them a lot more. Or he could have realized he doesn’t want to or isn’t ready to date for whatever reason. It may have nothing to do with you or the date. It was only one date so best to shrug it off, do something fun today and get back at it tomorrow. Since a lot of app dates go this way you learn not to think much about it after the first time or two.
Some people like cake. Some people like pie. Some people like cookies. Then, some people like chocolate cake. Some people like lemon cake. That doesn’t mean chocolate is ugly or doesn’t taste good. It just means you prefer lemon cake over chocolate cake. Both of them are bad b**ches… or you tried chocolate cake and it wasn’t for you… connections don’t mean there is anything wrong with you. Now I’m craving cake lol… good luck!
Another thought, would you have wanted it so you both are really done with each other before you can call it quits? Like when you can’t stand someone so you’re through? Instead of dragging out something where someone feels like it’s mediocre, this was a quick ending. Small bumps are easier to cope with than big bumps; and when you wait until they’re ginormous, that’s the worst. Be thankful for small bumps along the way and know that they pave the way for smoother rides later!
It’s no different that when you let someone else down. It’s not they are a bad person(well sometimes they are) it just didn’t work.
Yeah, keep on going, even if you need breaks in between “dating”, there’s plenty of men out there, enjoy the journey. 😉
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Most people already mentioned the most important stuff so I’ll just add this. He might have been seeing other people around the same time. It might not have been serious when he made plans with you but maybe he’s had time to think over the weekend and chose one of those other people to continue dating, for reasons totally unrelated to you. It sucks, but I guess it’s just how it works with dating strangers.
Omg I got ghosted before we could even meet just yesterday …
I think what helps is speaking to my sister who is my worst critic and knowing my worth – and reminding myself of who I am when I am my best. Like I am a jerk to myself at times and when things are ok and I’m not down… I’m aware of what good I have to offer besides my curves and dimples 😉
It’s a practice-
You’re for sure not ugly – not many ppl are actually ugly anyways so … let’s cut that out and just remember that dating is stupid !!
And him not wanting to date you and telling you NOW is way better then being strung along and investing in them and wasting money and fantasy day dreams about the future …
Gas is too expensive to be wasting anyone time – ok.
It sucks and it hurts.
Just get another date. Or two. That’s what I do. There are males everywhere!!!!
You’re not ugly-
It can definitely sting but please don’t internalize this.
How many objectively attractive people do you know but wouldn’t date? I’m sure there’s quite a few. Don’t take it personally! It’s a bummer so let yourself be bummed for 15 minutes and get back to dating new people.
View initial dates like crypto investing. It’s very volatile lol
Go in w cautious optimism but don’t expect anything. Just let yourself have fun on dates and you will find someone you click with. You need to just go out a lot so you can increase chance of meeting a good match.
I always look at a first date as to get to know a new person. Because that is really what it is. No emotional investment, either I like the person or not. So the bar is lower to walk away for both of us. Or, if we do click, we can go out on a second date and explore further.
I think for some they look for a reason to not go for a second date, whereas others look for a reason to go on a 2nd. I can get along with a date well but if I’m not feeling anything special, I won’t spend my energy on a 2nd. It sounds like ye are both from opposite camps, don’t take it as a reflection of you.
>how do you not let scenarios like this affect your self esteem?
Remind yourself that it has to work only once. You will meet 99 guys, the 100th may be the one.
> immediately jumping to the conclusion that I’m unattractive
Come on dear, all women are beautiful! Ask Heinlein!
yeah welcome to the club. i had what i thought was a great one end the same recently. And 3 the month before. But you got dumped after a first meeting. Not a first date. You were strangers, and at least you both liked each others pictures…. But still a stranger, texting does not equal rapport building
I don’t want to be with a person who doesn’t want me, or doesn’t feel excited about me. Sometimes it can be something about you that they feel isn’t right for them, which is totally fine and they’re entitled to their opinion and if they think so, they’re clearly not the right person
Sometimes it can be just someone else who’s a little more suitable for them and they ‘win’ by a margin. I was seeing a few people recently, and when I asked the person I felt the best connection with if he was comfortable with me seeing other people, he said no, and I was ok with it. We’re not together, it’s still very early stages, but I did have to ‘break up’ with a few other people I did like, just wasn’t as ‘sure’ about. Sometimes it’s not you at all.
For me if a first date doesn’t move on to a second it isn’t being dumped. If they don’t ghost me and say they aren’t feeling it I’d properly be disappointed and respect him for telling me the truth. There’s numerous reasons why someone might not want to see you again but I don’t think it’s anything about how I look, I will normally think things on the lines of they could of met someone who they connect with better or someone they’ve been seeing could of become serious and so on. I would generally feel that’s a shame but… next.
As a guy, this is generally the only thing that I get from online dating. If it doesn’t happen too frequently you’re fine. If it’s the only thing that happens to you (like me) it will crush your self-esteem.
I read somewhere that as soon as you can fully accept that love and attraction is out of our control, rejection will be a lot easier to handle.
I’ve been on dates with amazing people, and I am friends with very handsome and fun guys. But for some reason my heart just ain’t feeling it. It might be their smell, the way they talk/laugh/smile, their hobbies. Maybe they remind my little animal brain of someone who bullied me as a kid?
Either way, it’s completely fucking random in some ways (unless you were straight out rude af, but some people like that!). So please remind yourself of the great guys you have rejected in your life and how you don’t want them to change. You will meet someone who likes your package yo!
Idk. I think a lot of this has to do with expectations. And that’s where OLD has it backwards. The idea of a RELATIONSHIP tinges every interaction. So instead of getting to know one another better, everyone is working on a list of things and ruling in and out possible matches…
I find such swift “judgement” a bit odd, as I would tend to look at the getting to know someone phase as just that, not an audition for life partner…
However, if at first glance you appeared not to match that arbitrary list of “wishes” that just means the rejection saved you from finding out later. It’s not about being good or bad, but about fitting together. There are great people i wouldn’t be able to stand living with, so it says nothing about their qualities.
I have been there. It doesn’t feel amazing but he has saved you some time and you can move onto the next!
Dating apps have done a huge disservice to people who are looking for a real relationship. It’s a volume game. There’s always someone better just a swipe or two away. People are become less able to connect and invest the time they should getting to know someone. Have you ever noticed that there’s a culture of serial online daters? People who’s pictures you’ll see year in and out (if you’ve left the online dating scene and come back to it some time later)? They are obviously incapable of committing and have resigned themselves to just living for the hunt. This guy sounds like one of those. His loss – move on and perhaps try to meet someone organically… places like Home Depot, a sports bar in game night are a good start. Good luck! It’s him NOT you!
When you look at a sunset and find it beautiful, the sky is not making an effort to impress you. It would be as it is regardless and you are perceiving it with your eyes and your mind processing it. The same goes for you with other people.
Try not to get yourself down over this. At least he was being honest and didn’t ghost you. Or even worse, string you along for multiple dates.
I’m sure there’s plenty of other guys that will have that spark with you. There’s a whole world full of them out there!
Here’s how you deal w it- don’t take it personally just accept it’s not a match. It’s impossible to really know why. One day in the future you might be glad he turned you down. I’ve been rejected PLENTY and I’m now in a relationship and I’m so glad it didn’t work out w those men. They were lovely but not as great of a match for me as my man now.
I literally never want to be rejected and would rather be ghosted especially after 1 date
Date 1. Could be anything. This person does not have enough information about you to truly assess your overall value. I have definitely been in exactly your situation ( where I thought it went well and they were a firm ‘nope’). It does not feel good, but it is the lightest form of rejection you can receive.
Don’t make any assumptions as to reasons. It was not a fit, it really does not matter why. You are you. You want to find someone who likes you, so just keep being you.
I actually prefer ghosting if it is a first date. Even a second. After that I think it’s more appropriate to break things off kindly but it always hurts to be rejected. It’s ok to feel that way. Take the time you need and get bath out there
Feel your feelings, then let them go. It’s a bummer that you thought the date was going really well, and he didn’t. It’s more polite to get a rejection text than just ghosting you, but trying to guess exactly what’s “wrong” with you isn’t healthy or helpful. You’re not going to be everyone’s type. You don’t know what’s going on with his life, or what, it might not even be about you. You were your authentic self on the date, so better he let you know you’re not his thing than try to be whoever you think he wants.
The way I see it is, Chanel bags are high quality and unique/rare. Does everyone see the value in Chanel? No. Can everyone afford it? No. Just because someone can’t afford it, doesn’t mean the Chanel is any less valuable.
Someone may walk by and look at a Chanel bag but decide not to buy it. The other person’s decision to not buy a Chanel bag has nothing to do with the Chanel bag itself and its value itself. They’re the ones who are missing out / can’t afford it.
He may not have rejected you in a sense. There’s a good chance that maybe he went out with someone else (maybe even for a 2nd or 3rd time) and saw something more there. “didn’t feel a connection” is kind of a boilerplate response for not wanting a 2nd date and regardless of reason, at least they had the courtesy to let you know.
I’m sure I’ve rejected some very nice gals who quite possibly could have been great fits but at the time, I felt like I had a growing connection with someone else and decided to pursue that instead. I’m also not a fan of stringing anyone along.
I would say ‘yes’ to being sensitive.
But also ‘yes’ to being human!
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Th way to desensitise yourself to it is probably to have it happen more. If it hasn’t happened much, it’s perfectly natural to feel hurt.
It helps if you can mix in some good experiences with that of course. If it happens a lot without positive experiences, also natural to feel hurt.
If this is helpful, I very much liked a guy who found me gorgeous. He paid me compliments every date. We had great sex. But he broke things off after a month because there was no spark for him. I struggled with my personality after this one, but reminded myself I am a catch and he wasn’t my person. Stay strong. You are worth it!
Girl. Let it roll off your shoulders. A lot of men are looking for WOW INTENSE FIREWORKS OMG on the first meeting . They’re trying to replicate the butterflies in your stomach feeling of having a crush on someone that they haven’t felt in almost a decade.
As the dating pool matures- men start to focus more on compatibility, engaging conversation; and tend to want to see someone a second or third time to get a good sense of them before making a judgment call (as long as nothing egregiously bad happens; and assuming they’re somewhat attracted).
Before you meet , consider asking the guy “What do you consider to be a great first date?”
If he says anything about that instant spark …then you can just instantly unmatch- he’s trying to catch an illusion of connection, and is going to be disappointed with anyone who doesn’t give him that.
Sparks mean nothing for compatibility.
PSA (not directed at you OP- just a general rant)-
Can we all remember that we are MEETING A STRANGER in an odd context ? Let’s all just set expectations accordingly and be happy to have a decent time with a decent human (who is decently attractive).
I’ve had plenty of first dates that didn’t work out, whether it was during the date or after the date that I found out. Usually they didn’t even follow up to politely explain they weren’t feeling it. I’m more accustomed to just being straight ghosted. It can hurt when someone has immediately written you off like that, especially if it was feeling good to you. I used to take it pretty hard sometimes so I totally get it!
I like another poster’s comparison to being rejected by a potential employer, it really is pretty similar! It just didn’t work out and it doesn’t have to be someone’s fault.
I think you’d benefit a lot just from generally working on your self-esteem, because based on what you said it probably isn’t an issue that’s isolated to dating. I am sure your therapist will have some ideas for you! As someone who has dealt with a lot of self-esteem issues myself, the biggest things for me were:
1. Breaking my anxious thought patterns, by recognizing they were just bad habits I’d developed that were not serving me. Maintaining awareness that certain things would trigger those thoughts, and being prepared to respond to those harmful thoughts with self-affirmation instead. One of the biggest shifts in my mindset has been that my emotions do not define who I am as a person, are representative of my brain chemistry but not necessarily reality, and that I can choose to accept a reactionary thought or discard it.
2. Ensuring that I regularly set aside time for self-care, and activities that fulfilled me, separated from other people. That includes things like going for long walks in nature to clear my head, starting a skin care routine for the first time, trying a new recipe I thought would be tasty and enjoying it alone with a good show, playing some guitar, or painting. Meditation, repeating mantras that I am worthy of love, and I deserve to love myself.
3. Accepting that if people are not interested in connecting with me, being my friend, wanting to date me, or in any other way being involved with me, that has more to do with them than it does with me. If I am just being who I am and loving myself, whether someone else likes me or not is entirely secondary. It just stopped being so important to me. I also found that in practicing intentional self-love, I became a more self-actualized person, and people enjoyed connecting with me a whole lot more.
When this happened to me the first or second time I thought about it way more than I would like to admit.
But you get used to it. I also think that sending that message yourself to guys when you feel “no spark” helps to normalise the whole thing. You’ll get used to it.