I’ve been in a relationship with my now husband for 9 years since his beloved first wife passed away almost 10 years ago. The 10 year anniversary of her passing is coming up and every time an anniversary comes up I’m not sure how I should handle it. He absolutely adored her and I feel quite awkward at this time. I always feel like I don’t measure up. Is there anyone else out there that has gone through something similar to offer advice?
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Honor her as you would a friend who passed. She had a big part in molding the man you now love, and without her in his past, you may never have been his present and future.
You can’t compare yourself to someone who has passed because emotionally it’s different to lose someone than break up.
Please do not compare yourself to someone who has passed, its not fair to either one of you. You need to accept that he had a wonderful love before you, and it ended abruptly so that love still is and will always be there so you can either help him honor her or give him the space to do so. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you just as much! You’re his present and his future, you get to physically be with him. I bet it would make him happy to see you take part in honoring her and it could bring you even closer together.
The woman who came before you is no better than you in any way. She just came before you.
Without her, without him growing as he did by her side, you wouldn’t have the man you do now. So as someone else said, honor her as a dear friend. Someone who was there in the hard times and good. Someone who loved the love of your life as you do.
Don’t forget you’ve got that in common.
You are not second fiddle. I’m sure your husband feels the same. I’m a widower. My wife was killed in an accident 20 years ago and while I haven’t remarried, I have had relationships.
I’ve never treated nor thought of any of them as secondary to my late wife. She was a large part of my life and certainly contributed to who I am today as a person.
I still honor my wife 3 days out of the year. Her birthday, our anniversary and the day of her death. I wear a particular watch and necklace she bought me that last Christmas we shared. That’s it.
I have a current gf that i love dearly. I would never want her to feel like she’s second class.
I sincerely doubt your husband sees you as a second fiddle. Never feel like you don’t measure up.
So, here’s the thing, yes it can be hard to be the second wife to a widower, but you can turn this into a positive. Don’t feel bad that he grieves (That is a WHOLE OTHER animal). Love that he is capable of that kind of love. Spend time with him, don’t tell him things like “You still have me”. Its not a competition. Honor her as a friend, like another poster said.
Have you asked him if he wants you to do anything? As simple as, “I know this is a hard time for you- can I do anything to help?”
Likely, there isn’t anything. But I do know that feeling of wondering if you’re measuring up. All I can advise on that is- in spite of his grief, he has chosen to be with you for 9 years. And he’s renewed that choice every day. That sounds to me like you fit him perfectly.
Emily Yoffe is a writer than has written about marrying a widow. I’m not sure if the link below is the only time she’s written about it. But maybe reading it will help?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
My mom passed away when I was 12 and my dad worshipped the ground she walked on. A few years later he met my stepmother through mutual friends/family and they hit it off.
One night my stepmother asked my dad how he could love her if he still loved his first wife.
he said something to the effects of ” my first wife was an amazing woman, and I see a lot of the qualities I admired about her in you, you are just as lovely, just as smart, just as generous as she was and I love you too”
His first wife is his past, you are his present. He chose you for a reason and you need to be safe and secure in that. or you need to go talk to someone about this, being jealous over a dead person is not healthy, because in death we forget the persons flaws and because hyper focused on they best qualities so of course no one could ever measure up. you take the humanity away from the person and they become a saint.
Please don’t worry, be secure in your feelings for him and his for you.
I, too, married a widower who adored his late wife. She died young (42yo). I married him when we were both 49.
He would also not realize that the situation and how he would sometimes talk about her made me feel “second” in every sense of the word.
But he also loved me intensely and fully, without reservation.
And then, one year and four months after we married, two years and six months after I met him, he didn’t wake up one morning and I was the widow.
I don’t think I understood what it was like to be married to a widower until I became a widow.
I will have a hole inside me forever. It will never be filled. It won’t be healed by time, it just hurts differently as I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve had another relationship since. It didn’t last, but it didn’t change my past, either. It did change my present and future. I know I’m still capable of love. I know I’m capable of giving someone my present and future unconditionally.
I’m a different person since my husband died. Anyone I love now loves someone different, the new me, and that means that that new love is different.
We love many people in our life, he loved someone with whom he had no closure, he still loved her when she died.
And he remembers that and feels that hole, especially on their special days. It may feel like he isn’t exclusive with you, but he is. He’s honoring that past love. I promise, you aren’t second in his heart or life. You’re only second in his timeline.
I wish I could have understood that better before he died.
That said, all wives of widowers know what you’re feeling. My advice for you is to find something to do that day yourself. My thing is camping. I would go for two or three days and when I would get back, he would be almost desperate to see me in the sweetest and most demonstrative ways–hugs, kisses, flowers, dinner, special plans.
Honour her memory for what she repersents respect her for what she gave love her for who she was and what she ment to all of those who knew her buy a plant in her memory for your garden lay flowers on her grave and have a talk tell her how you feel what she ment and thank her for giving you her husband who you love with every fiber of your being and promise her that you will do everything in your power to protect love and serve not just for you but also for her after all you both loved and love this man hope this helps
It is absolutely possible for someone to love the memory of their deceased spouse and still be in love with their present spouse. Do everything you can to honor that memory while supporting him. That feeling of not measuring up is completely normal, but I doubt he thinks it for even a moment. Also realize that he may feel he owes this kind of remembrance to her family and friends. As long as he doesn’t go overboard with it (which isn’t healthy for him or you) just be there for him. Feeling like he has to hide his feelings about his deceased spouse can become very uncomfortable.
Try the sub r/Dating_a_widower. It offers excellent perspective and advice.
My first wife passed away ten years ago, well come November it will be ten years. I loved her and will forever love her. My second wife often feels inadequate or doesn’t seem to want to hear much about her, so I have since stopped talking about her in front of my current wife. But what I have explained time and time again to her (current wife) is that I love her very much, I want to love her fully and I could love her more if she could just accept I was married before and I loved before. I remarried because I felt I had more love I could give. I want to give more love, but my (current wife) keeps me from being able to give her more love because she can’t accept my first marriage. It’s a work in progress…I’m not sure about your husband, but I think you should accept his first marriage, know he loves you. Love comes in many ways. Don’t ever compare! Honor her life, know he wouldn’t be with you if not for her. I’m sure if you can love and accept him and help him celebrate her life together he will appreciate it more than you know. As a widower I can tell you, it still hurts, I have to accept that she’s gone. I have a new love and I love her deeply. My love for both my wives is different, but I don’t feel I love one more than the other. I just love, I want to give someone love and I want them to love me. Love your husband like there is no tomorrow, he knows love and loss. Don’t be greedy, be accepting and loving towards him and I’m sure he will reciprocate that back to you. I hope I make sense. Love him for all his flaws/all his baggage, accept that and love him. Show him you are there with him, I’m sure he loves you and adores you too…the best thing you could do for him is to tell him how you feel, communication is key. Good luck!