To start off, I personally think if you care about someone, their health would be important to you. I have read many statistics that obesity takes 7-14 years off of males lives, and slightly less off of female’s. We started dating 4 years ago when we were seniors in high school and we have only dated each other. I love him so much, and he was already overweight when we started dating. During our relationship, he has gained around 40 more lbs, putting him in the “morbidly obese” category. He is 6’2 and weighs 290. He already has high cholesterol, has been tested for his thyroid being off and there is no problems there, he just will not lose weight. He is incredibly insecure with his weight, sometimes leading him to seek approval from online women in the past. He has never physically cheated on me, but just seeks online approval when he is insecure due to his weight. I am 5’4 and around 115-120 lbs, or I’d offer to “diet with him” to make it a joined experience like some couples will do to make it less uncomfortable. I have definitely offered casually to start certain exercise with him, but he just tires too quickly and is not in good physical shape. He often says he gets embarrassed due to me being “above average” (I do not think this about myself, I am saying this about him. I am also insecure with myself and have suffered eating disorders in the past), which results in him feeling more insecure due to feeling inferior or like I am “out of his league”. This makes me scared he would look to other girls “lower than him” for a quick ego boost rather than just getting to the root of the problem. There has been one point in our relationship where he lost 30 pounds and was the happiest with his appearance I had seen him. I do not know how to go about this issue, and I am very worried about it effective our future. Statistically, he would be more likely to suffer from low moods, health issues, it would effect our marriage by effecting our sex life, cause insecurity, etc. It has already taken one of our favorite hobbies which was hiking, and it ended us ever going to an amusement park again when they told him he was too big. He was also told he was too big when we were with family at an arcade doing a simulator thing. How do I help him? I saw someone say “wanting someone who takes care of their weight is just as valid as wanting someone who is financially stable and clean etc”, and I do agree partially with that. It is unfair for me to take care of my appearance so much and try to impress him, while he is putting forth no effort. I do not care if he has a flat stomach or 6 pack abs, but I do care about having children in the future, him being able to live to meet grandchildren, having a healthy sex life, his mental health, being able to enjoy activities without him getting overheated, and for general hygiene reasons (lots of sweat, etc). If you were in HIS shoes, how would you like to be approached?
Edit to add: we are not living together until we are married, so as of right now the practical solution of keeping better food in the house/cooking healthier meals wouldn’t work :(. I will definitely do that when we are married though! 🙂
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sit him down & lay out everything that you just did in this post. it’s not just for aesthetic reasons, you want to have a long, healthy relationship with him & at this rate, it’s not going to happen. ultimately, if he’s going to lose weight, he’s going to have to want it badly himself. I was in a similar position a few years ago & was just so fucking sick of hating what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. I wish you both luck.
The three factors that contribute to obesity are: (1) genetics, (2) psychology, and (3) food environment.
You can’t address his genetics. You can, however, change the food environment in your home and, if psychology issues are at play (sounds like he might be suffering from depression), you can encourage him to speak to a therapist and a psychiatrist. People have varied opinions on modern psychiatry, but I’m generally a believer in better living through modern chemistry.
Basically, you need to address: (1) the condition he is treating with food, and (2) the overavailability of calorie-dense, low-fiber foods in his environment.
You said you would diet with him, but you are a healthy weight. Unfortunately, you’re probably going to have to diet with him, regardless. It’s pretty much impossible to adopt a healthy diet if your significant other doesn’t join you. It just doesn’t work. I’ve seen it a hundred times: the wife will eat a salad and chicken breast while the husband continues to eat cheeseburgers. That’s a recipe for failure. You can’t expect someone to exercise their will power for every meal over and over again. It’s impossible. You have to make unhealthy options unavailable.
The only way to lose weight and keep it off long-term is to (1) treat the underlying condition that is causing the dietary issues in the first place, (2) change the way you and your family eats and the food you keep in the house. In other words, I wouldn’t think of it as “going on a diet.” I would think of it like this: he has depression (or something similar) and he’s going to get help (possibly medication) for that–then, once that’s under control, you and him together are going to resolve to only keep nutrient-dense, high-fiber foods in the house and to avoid fast food going forward. It’s not a temporary diet, you know? It’s a full-on lifestyle change.
–also, an unethical life pro tip: I’m the only person who hasn’t struggled with obesity in my family. My sister once asked me: how do I do it? How is it that I can stay thin, while she has to count calories and eat lean cuisine? I told her the truth. “Sister,” I said, “I have had an adderall prescription since grade school. I have been prescribed amphetamines my entire life.” Now, I’m not going to sit here and recommend that someone take amphetamines to lose weight. I’m just saying that a lot of people who are skinny and say shit like “it’s calories in vs. calories out–simple as that” are on amphetamines.
Ultimately, this is his problem to solve and he already knows how to begin working on it, he’s choosing not to. You bringing it up isnt likely to change anything, but to add a bit of an uncomfortable feeling for him. You won’t be telling him anything he doesn’t already know.
If you’re going to bring it up anyway, frame it around your concern for him. You can make healthy lifestyle changes together, no matter your weight. Having healthy food around and keeping active together is a great way to support him.
I think the bigger question here is, is this a deal breaker for you? If he continues gaining, or doesn’t make some healthy changes, are you willing to continue with him and marry him? You really have zero control over his choices and the only thing you can do is decide what, if anything, you will do if he chooses not to change.
Do not marry him. Please do not.
You cannot change other people. You can only change your reaction to them.
There is nothing you can say to him that he doesn’t already know.
And, no, it is not unfair that you take care of your appearance to impress him while he doesn’t try to impress you. You take care of your appearance because you want to. It’s important to you.
If he asked you to gain weight or get breast implants or fix your nose or dye your hair, how would you feel about that?
Do you realize you haven’t had anything positive to say about him? Do you actually like him?
Everything you say about how his weight will impact your married life is valid. You will not have a satisfying sex life. He will have medical problems. He won’t be able to do things you want to do. You will likely have trouble getting pregnant due to his weight and due to your repulsion. Are you prepared to have a couple of young kids and be widowed?
Please the kindest thing you can do for you and for him is to break up with him now. Do not talk about his weight. This really isn’t about his weight. This is about having different dreams and needs.
Finally, please remember, you could be engaged to a handsome, fit, active, go getter who’s future economic prospects are amazing. What happens if 5 years into the marriage he transforms into your current fiancé? He gets sick. He gains weight. His career gets derailed. He cheats. That happens.
Just say hey babe you are packing it on. I’ll make you a deal every pound you lose we will fuck. Now get to it.
He’s about 22 years old and is about 130 kg. I dated, lived with and eventually broke up with someone in their 30s who weighed 145 kg. because I decided that I didn’t want to see her eat herself to death.
I’m more concerned about you. Someone so young having such an issue to deal with. I could give you lots of advice which you’d probably ignore but the reality is, you’re going to be dealing with his size as #2 or #3 top issue in your relationship.
There’s this idea that you should be able to ‘fix’ your partner. I know that I had it. I thought why couldn’t I convince her to eat healthier. What was wrong with me? The truth is that you can’t be your partner’s therapist. We’d stopped having sex, obviously.
Look after yourself OP.
Taking care of oneself is also taking care of loved ones. Unfortunately, as our bodies slowly betray us we have no choice but to slow down, which has health consequences. That betrayal is often physical but it can also be mental, such as depression and anxiety; and it doesn’t necessarily start when we turn 40. Adding weight to the ole frame is a big deal. Getting rid of it is fairly easy. Motivation to get rid of it isn’t always easy and something has to trigger that motivation.
You need to have a calm, honest conversation with him. No judgement. Dig past his words. Maybe he’s insecure. Maybe he’s suffering from depression. Maybe he’s thinking of a life without you. If you push, however, you’re likely to be met with resistance – that’s just the some guys are.
Don’t make ultimatums but be prepared to walk. What you are experiencing may be an indicator of problems to come – problems you don’t want.
You could lead the way: hike, camp, cycling, running, fishing, swimming, be a gym rat, buy a Jeep. Enjoy life and see if he wants to be part of that. If he doesn’t, well, that’s a clue. Be careful, though: you don’t want him to be an energy leach.
You may also consider joining the military (e.g., Navy) to learn skills and get out of, what appears to be, a rut. Meet other people. Go different places.