is there a healthy level of jealousy, and how does that look?

9 comments

1. Context: wife told me that I needed to be more jealous in the past. I’m stoic because I’m just drained as a person. I’m chronically ill and so when I show emotions, it’s rare. First time I really I guess showed jealousy, she responded pretty positively, second time I got pretty obliterated. I have the social skills of a rock and I’ve never expierenced jealously in a positive light, so I don’t even know where to begin on that path. Help this rock, please.

2. I feel like jealousy is a secondary emotion that stems from a lack of trust and insecurity. So ideally if you and your partner(s) are emotionally mature, there’s no reason for jealousy to exist there.

3. competition can be positive

4. The root of the issue is that she wants to see that you care and that she is desirable, probably

5. First step is to differentiate jealousy (fear that someone will take something you have) from envy (wanting what someone else has).

   Once we’ve done that, we can look at how we process these emotions. They’re both evolutionary traits that push us to compete, but the manner in which we compete in the modern world needs to be different.

   If you’re jealous that someone might take your partner, you can either become more controlling about what they wear, who they talk to, where they go etc… Or you can focus on yourself and your relationship instead. Be a better partner, work out and dress better, offer more to your partner, etc. A little bit of jealousy can shock you into action if you’ve become complacent and boring, remind you that it’s important to always be dating your partner, that each of us is constantly a work in progress with room for improvement.

   In this particular context “you need to be more jealous” it can also be a way of showing you care. It’s a bit of a red flag, deliberately trying to make your partner jealous, if that’s what happened, isn’t super healthy, but the individual circumstances matter a lot. To me, someone who has no boundaries about what their partner does, is someone who doesn’t care if their partner walks, and that would be a bit upsetting.

6. Healthy jealousy is probably when a good looking person approaches your partner and flirts with them. Your partner probably is polite and chats to them back in a playful manner or fooling around.

   As a response the other partner might joke saying well I make better cakes(!) or whatever based on the above conversation. As long as its all playful its fine.

   I buy my partner expensive aftershaves, good clothes and he takes care of himself. Its a given he’s going to be hit on, he’s modest and helpful too. Its nice watching him from afar help people, he gets embarassed most the time.

   The above happens when you and your partners needs and being met and dont feel insecure. You know what you bring to the relationship, its okay being a hot piece of ass if that only for your partner to touch.

7. If I know that my partner wants me, then I expect us not to want to hurt each other and to communicate.
   If I know that I’m not what my friend wants, then what he wants doesn’t matter to me.
   I don’t get jealous.
   I get more attractive for the next person.

8. I kinda feel that if you trust each other you don’t need to be jealous because you know that they’re not interested in anyone else? Might just be my relationship though, others might feel differently.

   That said, we were watching Always Sunny the other night and Dee was getting paid 500 bucks for letting some guy massage her feet, and I joked and asked husband if he’d be cool with that. We could use the money. He looked me dead in the eye and said absolutely not. Clearly a line was drawn!

9. You have all been amazingly helpful in helping me view things from several different angles. I was able to have a conversation with my wife and talk about things that I’ve not been able to express otherwise.

   Thank you all for your time, advice and perspectives. You’ve been very kind and helpful.