throwaway account because this would break his heart
Me (18F) and my boyfriend (18M) have been dating for some time now. During the beginning of our relationship, he cheated on me a few times. I love him and forgave him every time. However, this completely destroyed my confidence. As a woman who grew up abused and sa I did not have much confidence or security. It took me YEARS to gain. When he cheated it stripped ALL of it away.
I don’t want to leave him, I love him. We are both in therapy now and as far as I know, he hasn’t done anything since. We are pretty open and communicate often. We are planning on moving in soon. However, I still have trouble with the little things.
If he even talks about a female, even one of our friends, stomach hurts, and the day is ruined.
If he wants to go to the pool (anywhere with hot girls) day is ruined.
If I see a pretty girl in a video we’re watching, the day is ruined.
I can’t help it. I know I’m insecure but is it not his fault? I really don’t know what to do.
How do I get over this? Is it possible to ever be back where I was? Like I said and will say again, I do not want to leave him. We are completely intertwined with each other’s lives, families, and friends.
3 comments
I am curious what does your therapist say about this?
I would say love yourself over your love for him. Take care of yourself by not re-traumatizing yourself by being with a cheater who won’t change. By forgiving him you have given him a free pass.
Move on and keep healing. I cannot see you being able to do that with him in your life.
Is it his fault you’re insecure? No. But it is his fault you don’t trust him. Your therapist will know better than any of us what’s going on, but at 18, there’s really no reason you have to put up with any of this. Everyone your age is single. There’s many fish in the sea.
Has he had earlier relationships? ((( did he cheat on them, too? )))
Due to your anxiety and sa, I suspect your self-confidence is low (and so, you risk attracting abusers looking for just such people, those low in confidence).
As a first step to overcoming this and becoming able to deal with it, I urge that you reduce your general anxiety. This worked very well for me, maybe it will work for you:
**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.