TLDR; My boyfriend (M21) and I (F20) have been together for a year and a half as of today and I just don’t know if this is it for me anymore. We’ve had a lot of ups and really hard downs in the mere 18 months we’ve been together, but people keep telling me just because the butterflies are gone doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. What do you think?
There have been a few times where we almost broke up but decided we should just wait it out and then things get better. lately I haven’t really felt anything for him. No butterflies or excitement when I know he’s coming over. Nothing when he kisses me or touches me. I know he loves me a lot and I just feel neutral towards him most of the time. He just told too many lies (which he says wasn’t him purposely lying but…c’mon) and the effort isn’t there until I’m basically at my breaking point. This probably seems like a very obvious “break up you’re being selfish” but I love him, i care very very deeply about him and want to see him succeed and all that sappy stuff. This is my first relationship with someone who isn’t abusive in some way and I’ve been told the first healthy relationship is hard. I can tell he’s trying more lately but I just feel so drained and like Im wasting his time. I tried to talk to him about the way I’ve been feeling and he just asked if my therapy session was soon lol. Ive seen a lot of people say love isn’t about emotions its about choosing to stay. What do you guys think?
8 comments
I would like to know the responses to this
You don’t need butterflies constantly. But you definitely don’t want to be feeling neutral to someone you’re supposed to love and want a future with.
I don’t know how you can call it a healthy relationship if he repeatedly lied to you. Mutual trust is a basic requirement of a good relationship and lies erode trust. How can you be a team if one person is dishonest?
Anyhow, there don’t need to be butterflies, but there should still be desire. This relationship seems dead. And love is a good reason to wish good things for somebody, but it isn’t a reason in and of itself to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with someone. I love tons of people. I am friends with my exes, because I still care about them and wish them well.But we have no romantic/sexual connection any more, which is why we are exes.
>He just told too many lies
You don’t need butterflies constantly, but lies resulting in lack of trust will kill a relationship faster than anything.
That doesn’t sound “healthy”.
Also, you can wish someone all the best things and care for them, that doesn’t mean you have to tether yourself to them. Shared values, shared goals, and mutual respect factor into love as well. There’s also life experience. Having enough life experience to know what’s right for you is key in even being able to know if someone is right for you. Butterflies aside, at 20, you don’t have to “choose” to stay with someone you’re not in love with.
As far as this guy, you can wish him all good things…from a distance.
So, I’ve had two long term relationships. Both were pretty healthy. In both, there stopped being butterflies. But in the first one, I started mentally trying to find reasons why it was okay to break up even though nothing was “wrong”. And in the second one, I started mentally trying to find reasons why it was okay not to break up even though there were some practical concerns we’d have to get through. I married that one and we now have two kids.
If you don’t feel like you want to be in a relationship anymore, that is sufficient reason not to be in the relationship anymore. Period. You don’t need to reason it to death and find an argument others will agree with.
Ask yourself: how would I feel if he mentions coordinating plans for something well in the future, like Christmas or next spring? If your gut feeling is “ugh,” end it. If the thought of still being with someone in the future doesn’t feel good, the relationship isn’t good.
> He just told too many lies (which he says wasn’t him purposely lying but…c’mon) and the effort isn’t there until I’m basically at my breaking point. This probably seems like a very obvious “break up you’re being selfish”
Choosing to stay in this situation is settling, not love.
Codependence is not love.
> but I love him
Every single person who is being abused, mistreated, taken advantage of and settling says “but I love him.” That’s a farce. You don’t love who he actually is (someone who can’t be trusted.) There is no “love” without trust or respect. Your neutral feeling is your gut telling you that this man is not a good person and not good for you.
I suggest you listen to your gut. And keep getting therapy to figure out why you’re so codependent that you even entertain the thought of staying with this guy.
You deserve better. I hope someday you can believe that and leave this person behind for good.
It’s truly a bad sign when you are dating in your early 20s and the butterflies and excitement are gone after 18 months…
There is a big difference between new relationship excitement settling into contentment and your partner killing your trust and therefore your feelings.