I went to a nice part of town and hung out in a cafe the other day and it was miserable. I thought it would be nice because I’ve wanted to go here for a while but I had nobody to talk to and just worked the whole time. But if I ask how to make friends or date I get told that I am being desperate and should focus on my self and self improvement. I just got sad seeing all the happy couples around me going on dates while I never got a chance from anyone. How can I enjoy myself and attract other people?
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Wear sunglasses
I’ve tried this, more then once I had to leave because I was starting to cry. Some of us are just cursed I guess.
What you’re asking is two distinct steps: enjoying yourself and attracting people. Enjoying yourself is just as it sounds: going places and being content with your own company, not wanting anything from anyone else. Don’t bring work with you. Bring a book or just headphones. It can feel very lonely, but it may take practice to feel good about spending time by yourself. Make sure you’re taking time to indulge in your interests and live in the moment. When you’re surrounded by others it’s surprisingly rare that you only have yourself to please, so enjoy it.
Attracting people is more about being confident and comfortable enough with yourself that people find you easy to talk to. Enjoying spending time by yourself is kind of half the battle because if you’re comfortable alone, then you won’t come off as needy and you wont act out of desperation. It can also help to join a group where you do activities with people. That’s a low pressure way to meet people with common interests in a place where it’s easy to chat and get to know each other. And if the people suck, at least you’re indulging your interest.
As a modern-day nomad, perhaps I have some perspective.
Man, I have seen some places, let me tell ya. In the last 15 years, I’ve lived in five different states. And every time I packed the U-Haul, I started my local social circle, and my life, over again. My latest move happened in September 2021. So, not only have I done this a lot, but my latest “reinvention” was recent.
However, I didn’t spontaneously go out alone where I lived, but rather where I visited. Although I moved often, I also maintained friendships in each of my previous residences. I traveled back to those old stomping grounds to visit those friends. Often enough, I had bouts of time where I was alone. Which is totally expected. When you travel solo, you’re going to have some alone time. When that happens, you have two choices. Stay in your hotel room, or go out anyway. Sometimes, I didn’t have a choice. Maybe I got into town early, scheduled a stay at a friend’s place, and uh-oh, they aren’t home when I arrived. What do I do now, wait by their door until they get back from work? Of course not. So going out alone just became the natural move. I did this a lot, for years, and I got far more used to it. Experience informs confidence after all.
I will acknowledge that this process was not, and still isn’t, easy all of the time. Hell, it can still be pretty exhausting. You have to consistently work up new bonds with strangers each day, and you don’t have any fallback (unlike when you’re out with people you know) when your interactions aren’t going well. Rejection can be intense when you’re doing this alone, and trust me, you’ll experience rejection. The people that claim that they don’t? Liars. No one is perfectly charismatic. Some conversations will not work, some people will be boring, some won’t like you much, etc. That being said, even though there have been plenty of times when my time out was disappointing, I don’t regret ever going out alone. At the end of the day, it’s just practice. It’s like taking jump shots in the gym, ya know? Even though that metaphor is played out, there’s truth to it.
The problem is that you don’t think of it as a jump shot during practice. You think it’s a jump shot, but if you miss someone will break your femur. There’s anxiety and pain that you’ve associated with this process. It seems risky because when it didn’t go how you wanted, it hurt a lot.
So how do you appropriately deal with the stress and pain you feel, like what you’re experiencing now, so that you don’t lose hope forever? That’s a different discussion, but the solution requires a lot of introspection. In brief, your evaluation, in those emotional moments, often isn’t as grounded as you think. It’s skewed by a particularly negative lens.
The other piece of advice is to lower your expectations. You’re going in there thinking you’re gonna find a nice lady to bring home to your parents and maybe marry one day. Or maybe you think that you’ll meet a bunch of people and they will be dazzled by your charm, and you’ll be loved by all. For someone with limited experience, that is a ton of pressure. And, frankly, you can’t consistently meet those expectations, because almost no one can. Instead, set goals that are smaller in scope. You’re going out alone, you might talk to some strangers, and that is it. What happens next? You have no idea, and that’s perfectly fine. Repeat that to yourself until you believe it. You will talk to strangers, you don’t know what is going to happen, and that’s perfectly okay.
Finally, to make this easier, your motivation needs to be driven by curiosity and attraction, not an anticipated result. If you can be more process-driven, and less results-oriented, you will feel less pain. Being present, rather than dwelling on the past and future, makes a huge difference.
So relateble
I like to people watch. Obviously not staring them down, but noticing people and anything interesting about them. Sometimes I make up little stories about them in my head. Like a woman who is nicely dressed, except for a handmade bracelet. Maybe she’s a teacher and a student made it for her. She wears it at work and usually leaves it at her desk, but today she forgot to take it off. Or the man who seems to be blinking a lot. Someone complimented his eyes, so he got contacts to boost confidence and is trying to get used to them.
Alternatively, take a pet out! Yours or a friend’s. Pets are great ice breakers, especially dogs. And many more places are dog friendly now, with outside areas for owners.
The people who would make fun of some one doing that sound like insecure assholes.as in adults that have not matured past middle school who posses the emotional range of tea teaspoon. Went would you let some one like that have control over you?
Usually if i go out alone, it’s for a walk and I listen to music at the same time, so it keeps me occupied enough not to feel awkward.
I don’t know either how to attract other people man.
Though I enjoy going out alone since I’m free to do whatever I want. When I shop with others there’s just this pressure to do it as fast as possible. I treat my time going out alone as some kind of luxury as it is more like a me-time where I get the chance to slow down and be myself as no one around knows me anyway.
But I know going out alone is not for everyone. If you want a company, try Bumble or something similar. That app also has a bff feature where you can meet friends.
When you go out for a meal. Start talking to the waiter. (Even flirt with them)
Enjoy the atmosphere. Enjoy and taste the food. Enjoy the surroundings.
Its about you and you enjoying yourself. Not about anything else
Enjoy!
To me not at all. Im replying your question when Im alone at the coffee and I feel comfortable. I never dated anyone because 1stly, my appearance is good but my personality is not most guy’s type; 2ndly, Im not interested in being in a relationship, sometimes I find myself a bit weird but I have no intention to do anything different cuz thats what I want. My friends r sometimes busy so its not like I go out with them everytime, I enjoy spending time for myself a lot.
My friend, you dont have to feel miserable just because other people seems to be happier than you. You have your own attraction and your way to gain everything you want. Dont rush it. Instead of thinking about why u cant be like this like that, u have to trust yourself and give you a chance. Watch how people with big social circle talks and learn from them. Praise yourself, know your own strength and weakness, use them to make friends. Ask help from co-worker a few times will help u get their attention, then step by step, slowly, lunch, coffee… you’ll have them as friends. But of course not everyone is friendly, some workplaces are not good, we gotta accept that.
Trust yourself and dont see yourself as a miserable person. See yourself as a winner who will never stop trying to become a better person. You deserve all the good things coming, you just gotta be patient.
I think having traveled alone and lived new places alone made going out alone routine for me. Being a female may help in that I’m usually trying to avoid people talking to me in public.
Going to the same places repeatedly helps. Sit at the bar, read your book and enjoy yourself! Someone is making you snacks and drinks, what’s not to love? Chatting with the bartender can help, in that they know the regulars and will often introduce you.
I talk to people.
> How do you enjoy going out alone?
I don’t look at it as going out alone. I look at it as doing what I want, when I want. How do I enjoy doing what I want, when I want? It’s simple. In my case, I overinvested into poor quality relationships for waaaaaaay too long, and dealt with the consequences of those poor investments. Not having to deal with anybody else is *amazing*.
I prefer to go out to restaurants alone to be honest… but it sounds like we have different goals… you want to attract other people to you while I want to be alone and would be fine if no one looked at me… the freedom of sitting down ordering some of your favorite food without having to think about what to say to the person next to you is just a beautiful moment… sometimes I listen to audiobooks or sometimes I read on my phone… super relaxing
With podcast
Thoroughly lmao. Jk.
I feel very, very comfortable going out alone to meet other new people. My mindset is that I have a clean slate with everyone, and I will only be judged as I come to others. Come correct, be friendly, and the experience is usually quite positive.
One hell of a reply!
I have not traveled nearly as much as you, but it’s always been alone when I do. I love it, it’s like I get to be whoever. I can talk to strangers, mostly because “they don’t count”. I smoked a joint with everyone in a cafe in Amsterdam that I never saw again, no problem. I took my hostel mates out for dinner after knowing them for 3 hours, super easy.
But ask me to talk to the woman on the train with outstanding fashion sense that I see every day and suddenly I’m shy. Because “she matters”. It’s a weird thing.