Honestly I really don’t know if this is the right place for this, but I feel like if I post on any of the lonely subs they’re just going to tell me yeah because that’s all they know too. I’d like someone with a little more insight into relationships to tell me how it is. Anyway like the title suggests I’m 28m and never had a real girlfriend. I’ve had flings and dated, but nothing serious ever came of it and no one I would really consider a girlfriend sadly. I have social anxiety which I’ve struggled with my whole life, so it does make it hard to meet people. I genuinely have no idea if I’m good looking or not, girls have called me handsome and cute in the past but very rarely.
All of my friends are getting married now and i really feel this huge pressure to meet someone, but I don’t know if it’ll ever happen. My friend group is great but it’s kind of closed off and we don’t really hang as much as we used to. We used to drink and get together every weekend, but of course my anxiety would make it difficult to approach anyone I liked. Is this is a huge red flag? If I meet someone and I tell them I don’t have an ex, is that an immediate nope for the girl?
Just tell me how it is I need the truth, thanks.
Tldr: I’m 28m and have never had a serious relationship due to social anxiety and low self esteem. How screwed am I?
Edit: I just wanted to thank everyone for the nice comments. It sounds like I have a lot to work on and my social anxiety is probably holding me back more than I realized. I’ll try looking into groups or classes, thank you for the suggestions it means a lot.
10 comments
I wouldn’t bring it up on a 1st date if you can avoid it. It’s not that big a deal, one of my biggest crushes is a mid 30s virgin that hasn’t dated (his religion and prestigious traveling job makes it difficult), I still think he’s a gem.
Don’t get discouraged, please see a doctor about your anxiety, seeking treatment is better than suffering. Look into virtual visits if in person doctor visits sound too difficult. Hope things get better.
You don’t need to be overly worried about how you look. Being attractive certainly helps, but it’s not even close to a requirement for being in a serious relationship.
The first question is do you want to meet someone? Pressure aside, if you feel like you would like to find someone and have a relationship the good news is there are e lot of people out there.
It’s probably easier to find someone in a situation where you will get to meet them more than once. So like a hobby group or the like.
I don’t think your lack of a serious girlfriend at 28 is a problem, though I also wouldn’t advertise it. You know, like, “oh I’ve dated some people but I’m still looking for the right one!”
But honestly it’s the anxiety that will hold you up. Dating can be a numbers game and finding someone good sometimes means putting yourself out there so you can shift through the people to find a good match.
Nope, you’re good. Everyone does stuff in their own time! Keep working through your social anxiety and low self esteem, maybe with a therapist? Therapy helped me with both of those. Best of luck!
My man all your friends getting married statistically are going to regret it.
My advice: get out of the house.
Take a cooking class or take up a new hobby. This can help you meet like minded people.
My social anxiety is less of a problem for me when I am concentrating on learning something new or have a task like painting that I can focus on.
I met my husband through the husband of someone I met playing in a sports team. I had put my name down at the local sports centre asking if a team on Sunday night needed another player.
tinder isnt the best for relationships or dating, try bumble, hinge, or even some older sites/apps? and as commenters said, outings and such. best of luck!!
Obviously the typical get out of the house, find new hobbies. Take classes where other people will be like cooking, pottery, etc.
But you need to work on the root cause. You mentioned anxiety. Therapy my friend. Specifically cognitive behavioral therapy. You’ll retrain the way your brain handles certain situations and a life coach can help tremendously. You don’t have to live like this forever. But if you want serious, meaningful relationships you’ll have to put in the work.
I’m 33 now and have a 2 year old and a partner. In attractive, smart. But anxiety WRECKED me in terms of making friends and having anything but flings and one night stands. I just couldn’t connect with people. It was too hard. Too awkward. Too painful.
Therapy fixed that. I had to put in a lot of work but it was so worth it
I am my husband’s first girlfriend, and we started dating when we were 29 after being friends for a year and a half. He has been an amazing partner, he’s just not the sort of guy who picks up on flirting lol.
Personally I’d recommend the advice column Dr Nerdlove. It’s dating advice for men who struggle with dating. It’s very honest and very kind, and it doesn’t truck with the whole “woe is me I will be alone forever” thing.
flings, that means, just casual sex only, so you are not a virgin then?