My GF (29F), who has BPD, and I (30M) have been dating for a year. When we are good, she really is the most amazing person who shows me a lot of love, empathy, and support; an overall wonderful partner. However, when things are not good, the relationship is quite frankly very hard to deal with.
Lately we have developed an unhealthy pattern: the smallest thing will set her off and cause her to explode on me, resulting in extremely loud screaming from her, which has become increasingly more aggressive. This happens around 4-5x a day followed by the need to talk about the relationship for hours on end, and have the issue addressed immediately, which is really taking a toll on me: it’s time-consuming, energy sapping, and overall starting to be exhausting. This pattern has resulted in me being quite tired and pulling away from her and the conversation, which riles her up even more (when I am less responsive from fatigue) and further amplifies the shouting.
In the short term, I would like general guidance on how to address this unhealthy pattern. I have told her that I am starting to feel exhausted and drained but she brings up all the good things she has done for me in the past (of which there are a lot) but the pattern still continues. What do I do?
In the long run, I am starting to question if I have the mental stamina to run with her and deal with the screaming followed by incessant need to talk about the relationship for hours. While I deeply care about the relationship, I don’t know if I can deal with the pattern for the rest of my life but I also really don’t want to lose her. Is there anything I can do from my side to not give up and be better equipped to deal with this?
7 comments
She needs help and it’s not your responsibility to guide her there.
Run from BPD.
Get her in therapy, she should be going twice a week at least. In 20 years things will be better.
Well I guess first you have to accept the fact that she has BPD and thus the relationship will never be any better than this and will only get worse. If you don’t believe me, read the books recommended in the sidebar about borderline personality disorder.
Second is to recognize that you can’t help that person because BPD is something that was given to them long before you came along and not something you can heal. Even people who go to school to help people with this disorder are generally powerless to help them as well.
The last step is to realize that you can get everything in this relationship. That is good in a normal relationship but without all of the bad stuff. So the kindest thing to do for you and for them is to leave the relationship and go work on yourself in therapy.
Let me know if you have any questions. I know this is really hard to wrap your head around.
She has some relationship-killing behaviors. It’s not your job to fix that. She needs to learn that when she acts like that, she loses boyfriend after boyfriend.
You probably should break up with her. But if you aren’t willing to do that, have some boundaries and escape hatches. She screams at you? Leave the house. Sleep on your office floor for the night, with your phone turned off. Let her know in advance this will be the result and the minute she starts, you disappear and go no-contact for a 24 hours.
That’s just one example of what you could do to set a limit. I expect some BPD-partisan, probably BPD themself, will criticize my suggestion as too cruel and counterproductive. In that case, I’ll default to “just leave her.”
Is your girlfriend in any kind of professional treatment for her BPD?
Get her into therapy Dialectal behavioral therapy,get her books(work books to deal with emotions),get couple therapy,
Coming from someone who has BPD, I would ask this question in r/BPDLovedOnes. You will get far more honest insight there than in any other sub in my opinion. It’s a sub for partners and family of those with BPD. It’s a very eye-opening sub.