I often find people who are my “friends” hang out without me.
In school, people would meet at each others’ houses, but I never knew that was a thing. No one ever asked me to come study with them or whatever.
Now, a friend invited me to her wedding, but apparently held a civil ceremony earlier at home. The rest of our friend circle – work colleagues, including people I introduced her to – were invited but not me.
I have been messaging this other friend on and off for a while for a brunch or home, but she is silent on me.
The worst is, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m open, friendly, take the initiative to call, drive halfway across town when they ask for help…
I’m just venting. But being excluded for no evident reason makes me angry. I really don’t like people very much because of this.
6 comments
You need to love yourself first! That is the most important thing and don’t worry about people choices in your life
I was passing for something similar a couple mouths ago. All my high school friends were invited to a friend 20’s birthday party. But they didn’t invite me.
I have low self steam and this event affected me a lot. Until I released that is not my problem, I start to hang out with a bunch of people from my college and it went great.
Most of times is not your problem, maybe you just need to find new friends, who will like and enjoy your friendship.
I’m shy (don’t know if it is your case) it was very difficult at first but life always find a way to work things out.
Be yourself and you will find a way to sneak into the heart of kind people who deserve to be your friends.
If I help, Glad to help.
Are you listening to people when they talk? Are you trying to look cool? Do you have issues with hygiene? Are you overly eager to please people? Are you too negative? Do you disagree a lot with people? Do you come off anxious or uninterested? Do you try too hard to be funny? Are you trying to be someone you’re not/not being genuine/real with the way you speak and how you carry yourself? Do you insult people on accident or “as a joke”? Do you say cringy, generic things? Do you trail off when speaking/not sound confident/tell stories with no ending/have no purpose in how you speak? Are you overly focused on this issue and not living your life/cultivating experiences on your own/working on loving yourself? Do you play victim/feel bad for yourself all the time without trying to improve? Do you have untreated anxiety/depression that’s giving off uncomfortable vibes through body language? Are you taking things out of context or seeing people’s interactions with you through a trauma lens making you distance yourself from people when it’s really all in your head?
There are so many factors that this could be and anyone who has ever faced this problem has their own reasons. I was in the exact same boat once upon a time, lost and confused on why no one wanted to be friends with me. It took years of therapy and self reflection to start understanding what the problem was with how I interacted with others and to start making genuine close relationships. You have to figure this out. This is something only you can work on and discover (with the help of a therapist). I learned that the hard way.
They may assume you are busy and dont want to disturb you
I don’t have much experience with this but recent reflections have made me realise that it is not necessary that people you are after are gonna be after you too. Like in high school I had crush on the coolest kid and obviously he never even knew my name. Relationships in life are kinda like that too. For some people you’re gonna be a priority but for some you’re not. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or you’re doing something wrong. Just like you won’t care about everyone who came into your life. In our life, some people are important and others are not. You can’t try and fix something that will make you important to other people. If they want you they’ll care for you , if you’re not their first choice( because of their personal reasons) then they’ll be acquaintances only. There’s tons of nice people in this world. But you can’t appreciate everyone. You’ll just choose some. That’s the same thing others are doing.
Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who isn’t so focused on things like texting/messaging and is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Chase excellence, not people.