Lately I (22F) have been feeling super down and I’ve been contemplating why I keep trying. I love my boyfriend (24M) and we get a long great. We have lived together for over 3 years and have our own house (we rent). We have our pets together, we bought cars together, we literally started our lives together.
Last week I worked a lot of 16 hour shifts, and on my day off he was working. I was so excited to see him because the only time I’d see him the whole week was when he was asleep. I waited all day for him to get home and finally when he got off work he said he was going to a friends house. And he did, because his friend was posting throughout the night. He came home finally at 3 am after I told him I’d make dinner and he said he’d be home for it but he never came but regardless I was super excited to see him. When he came in the door he was acting quiet and distant. I asked him how his day was and if he had fun and he said (it was alright). So I kept pushing and asking what’s wrong and he finally said he didn’t feel like talking. But it made me feel bad, because he was literally at a friends house so I confronted him nicely and he said “no I just don’t feel like talking to you”. I was really hurt and I can’t explain why but I blew up. This isn’t the first time he’s been distant like that lately. He doesn’t want to cuddle or be together, it’s always me saying I love you first, he never wants to do things together and seems like he just doesn’t care anymore. So I told him everything that I’ve been feeling, how I feel lonely being with him like I don’t even have a boyfriend anymore and that’s when he told me that he no longer wants to live with me.
That hurt me extremely bad, and he wouldn’t say why until I pushed him into telling me and he said because he can’t stand looking at me anymore, he wasn’t attracted to me, he can’t stand being around me and I make him want to leave. I didn’t know how to react because I really try to make him happy. I’ll admit I’m not the prettiest, but I’m still a good person to him. And he made it about the way I look which put me in am extremely bad place and now I don’t feel comfortable around him anymore.
He told me he was leaving as soon as he had a place to go, and he stayed believing that for 3 days until I broke down crying while doing dishes because I just don’t know what I’d do if he left I’ve never been alone, we literally were fine or so I thought. After that he said he wasn’t leaving and tried to tell me that he couldn’t take back what he said but he didn’t mean it, that he just had a bad day. But still even if he doesn’t mean it, I can’t unhear what he said. I just see myself as this thing that’s so repulsive that even if I have other good qualities It doesn’t even matter. And every time he walks out of the door he might not come back. And I told him all of this and he genuinely seems sorry but I just can’t unhear what he said. I don’t feel comfortable in my body. I did gain weight because I struggle with pcos and it makes it harder. I’ve been actively trying to lose weight. It just hurts me.
But then he wakes me up in the morning for sex, I just don’t understand… I’m just so confused, I have nobody to talk to and I just want to feel loved again and feel good about myself. I don’t want to leave him but it still hurts me being with him I feel like I am no longer myself and I need advice
TL;DR my boyfriend said he no longer wants to live with me and be with me out of the blue because he is no longer attracted to me and can’t stand looking at me. Then he takes it back and tells me he didn’t mean it and still has sex with me. I’m now in a very dark place and need advice because I don’t want to leave him but I also don’t feel comfortable around him and no longer feel good about myself.
5 comments
Leave. This is only going to get worse.
Yeah, the relationship didn’t sound great before his bombshell and I’m going to say he meant it. You can’t take back those kinda words, and you’d be silly (no offence) to think he didn’t mean it. Outside of those comments you’re living with a guy who continually made you feel unloved and has shown you he doesn’t care, so realistically, his comments aren’t surprising and neither of you should be afraid to walk away because he’s checking out, is over it and probably is nervous about fully pulling the plug given it is a lengthy relationship, you live together and starting again is always daunting. But you’re both too young for this shit and it doesn’t get better from here
You can’t unhear it and he can’t unsay it. Abuse usually starts verbally. He now knows he can say things like that to you and you’ll still have sex with him. So be prepared to be his punching bag and let him destroy your self esteem every time he has a “bad day”. Then one day that won’t be enough and he’ll shove you a little. Then who knows what.
Be the smart girl who gets out now.
End the relationship and sign up for some counseling. Work through what you believe to be “normalized” in relationship and work through communication and coping tools so that this is not repeated for you.
Everything he said was the truth. This relationship is over. He’s backpedaling now because he realizes he could’ve handled it a lot better than he did and feels bad, but at the end of the day it’s over.
You have to let it roll off and love yourself enough to move on.