So for context, me(24M) and my girlfriend (23F) have been dating for little more than a year now. The relationship has improved quite a lot in the last few months but there are a few things I need help navigating through and any help or thoughts are appreciated.
Okay so, we had broken up once in between due to her cheating on me emotionally but she promised she’ll improve and I gave this another shot. We had our disagreements and fights and she has started going to therapy for her issues during this time. It definitely has gotten better but there are a few things that are bugging me.
She has a bad drinking habit and gets drunk pretty frequently. Whenever she gets drunk either she gets very lovey-dovey or very upset over something (could be regarding me or something else) and I often have to navigate through this because most often than not we have pretty different world views in these matters. She also has a best friend that isn’t very good at giving advices but she always goes to him for advice because he’s the only friend she has. He often indulges in her destucrtive behaviour and doesn’t correct her train of thought even though it wouldn’t be healthy (he is also a narcissist).
Due to this I often don’t communicate things that trouble me about her because she has a lot on her plate at the moment and all the things I mentioned above. I recently got to know that she is having thoughts about her ex again. The way she describes it that they had some sort of relationship that was illogical but very passionate. I don’t understand this feeling and would appreciate if someone could help me with this. This is the best explanation she can come up with. Also for background, she also cheated on another guy with him and emotionally cheated on me with him as well. She hasn’t talked to him since she promised me but she having these thoughts is very scary to me and I don’t want to go through all of that again.
She also one night when drunk put the idea out of a threesome with some other girl which I rejected straight away because I don’t like that person and I’m more of a monogamous type of person which she also claims to be. She said she was joking the next day and in the night as well but I know she wasn’t and I talked to her about it and she said it was a drunken thought.
I really don’t know how to and what to do in this situation. We do love each other and maybe it’s a rough patch of sorts. For a solution I’ve thought of spending sometime alone and meet her less frequently and talk lesser to her. Maybe this is not a healthy option but I can’t figure out what to do. Appreciate all those who took the time to read.
tl;dr: My girlfriend is having crazy thoughts by the day and I don’t know how to handle them in a rational manner.
5 comments
this is a very difficult but profoundly true life lesson: you cannot rationalize the behavior of irrational people.
this is frequently a difficult pill to swallow as many people think they can work past it.
If you are looking for a stable, long term commitment, I don’t think that’s what your current partner can give you. It doesn’t sound like she’s in a place in her life where she can offer that to someone.
This is one that I think you need to consider long and hard if you want to try to deal with this long term. Honestly it sounds exhausting.
Your girlfriend is a hot mess. She needs rehab to get sober and therapy to work out her inability to maintain a relationship.
But dude, her problems are her problems. They aren’t your problems. I know you want to support her, but sometimes supporting means letting her know her actions have real consequences. She can’t constantly be drunk around you. She can’t constantly mess around with your feelings either.
You deserve a partner who you can talk to openly. You deserve a partner you can trust. You deserve a partner who gives as well as takes, who supports as well as demands.
I would no longer stay with her after all of this.