Hello. This is my first post, so I hope I’m doing everything correctly. I’m currently dealing with a weird situation that I honestly don’t know how to handle. So I thought I’d reach out on Reddit for some advice. My situation involves myself and two others, so I’ll use an alias for the two others for clarity purposes.
I (24M) currently share an apartment with my brother “Grant” (24M) and his wife “Kat” (25F). I guess I should clarify that Grant and I aren’t biological brothers, but we call ourselves brothers, as that’s what we are in every sense of the word. We met and became friends when we were eight years old; growing up, we were both bullied a lot, so we started looking out for each other. My parents also took him in when we were 16 because his dad kicked him out, and he had nowhere else to go. Grant lived with my family for the remainder of high school. Up until this point, Kat and I have had a good relationship as well.
The current roommate living situation started back in January of this year. For a little while now, Grant and Kat have been having some financial troubles that were really taking a toll on them, and they ended up not being able to keep up with the rent on their own. Grant asked me if I would be willing to move in with them as they were seeking a roommate, but that Kat felt uncomfortable with the idea of being by herself with a stranger in the home; Grant is a long-haul truck driver, so there’s periods of time where he’s away on the road. My lease was coming to an end, and I decided to accept the offer because I wanted to help out.
I moved in toward the end of January, and things were working out fine. A lot of the time, it’s just Kat and I at home as Grant is on the road, and my job still operates remotely, so I work from home. It became apparent that Kat was getting overwhelmed with taking on by herself the portion of household responsibilities that her and Grant would usually share when he was home; I knew she also deals with anxiety, so I offered to help assist her if she wanted as I had the time. She took me up on my offer, and an extension of that has been us cooking dinner together most nights. I always loved cooking, and she said she wanted to learn how to cook herself, so this hasn’t been a bother for me, and after living on my own for a long time, I did enjoy her company and input.
Well, the issue that has since started is Kat’s change in behavior toward me; these past few weeks she has been increasingly affectionate both physically and verbally. It started with her playfully poking me on the ribs, but has since grown. Some examples being: hugging which sometimes lingers, linking her arm with mine, rubbing/touching, and leaning against me; one time, she told me that she was excited for our “date night” referring to the dinner we were going to cook together that particular night, but she kinda laughed it off. There’s been other stuff as well. At first, I thought I was maybe making up an issue where there wasn’t one, but none of what’s been going on feels platonic at all, and it became obvious that Kat doesn’t do these things when Grant is at home or in the same room as us. I don’t know how to handle the situation exactly. It has been confusing.
I just wanted to get some advice on the matter, and get some help on what I should do because I’m at a loss here and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I don’t know if I should talk to Kat about this or if it would be the right call to just approach Grant. A part of me worries about what if I talk with Grant and it needlessly causes a problem between Grant and Kat which I wouldn’t want.
TL;DR My brother’s wife has been increasingly affectionate toward me both physically and verbally, and none of it feels platonic at all.
22 comments
See if it continually increases. If it gets to a point where you feel like she’s crossed a line, then talk to her on her own and tell her it can’t continue.
She may just be lonely when he’s gone as he is gone for his job a lot.
I would talk with her alone, if it’s nothing then your brother won’t get information that could be misconstrued. I had the same issue but found out my brother didn’t care. So my SIL stays with me on weekends. Let her tell you it’s nothing. Probably just lonely.
Remove yourself politely from the unwanted contact. Say, “I’m not a touchy-feely person”. “I’m not comfortable with this”.
Spend time with friends, or on your own when you’re home.
Find someplace else to live. Say you’re ready to have your own place or something like that.
She’s probably lonely since your brother is always on the road. Start pulling away when she gets touchy feely with you. Politely step back if she lingers in a hug, remove her arm from yours when she links them together. If the touching continues, or she gets bolder, then you will need to have a sit down conversation with her.
Start talking a lot about a girl at work that you like whenever you two are alone together
While it’s uncomfortable, you’re going to have to nip this in the bud now. She’s developing feelings for you that are romantic for whatever reason. You have to shut that down. I know that it’s uncomfortable, so it’s difficult to address, but there is no other course of action here.
OP,
this is super dangerous. This easily can back fire on you and the relationship you have with your “brother”. She is on the path to seduce you, to cheat with you.
The sign is, that she is not this way when her man is present. She not a general touchy person and even than.
Next time it happends and you are allone, tell her open and directly, that this body contact etc. has to stop. If she cant stay away from you, than you cant share any time with her anymore when your brother is not present.
She also should reflect on what path she is. If she wants demage the marriage. It is not your place to discuss it but she should realy think about it what the end result will be and what demage this behavior will not only can cause.
You should try to video/audio record some of those interactions just to be safe and then record yourself addressing this issue with her. Tell her maybe you’re just misinterpreting things and you don’t want to make it weird if that’s the case, but that you’ve been getting the vibe that she’s flirting with you, and if that’s the case, you find it very inappropriate. Tell her you love and respect her as your brother’s wife but things can never and will never progress passed that.
Then just leave it alone and act normal around her. If things continue, or if she spins the narrative to you brother, show him the recordings.
Tell her that she’s been too affectionate lately and it’s making you uncomfortable. Ask her to please be aware of it and to dial it back. Tell her that if she doesn’t respect that you’ll have to move out and will tell Grant why.
Just one question: Do YOU want to fuck her? If the answer is no then there is no problem. Just ignore everything and keep going as normal. You would need to be strong though as things may change. If it was a yes then find an excuse to cancel the lease with them and move away! You don’t want to stab your brother in the back while he’s is working hard to provide for his wife.
It sounds like she’s starting a (one-sided?) emotional affair with you. Spending so much time together without her husband there is part of the problem. Obviously you live together so I’m not saying avoid her but be more intentional about your companionship. Food is a household need but cooking together every night is pretty intimate.
The entire living situation in the first place was innapropriate and opened a door for this type of stuff.
I’m sorry but a man and women dont consistently spend time together like that without SOME sort of spiritual connection eventually growing.
Your not much of a “brother”/best friend if you’re allowing this to happen without putting a stop to it immediately or letting him know.
Tbh I dont believe in the concept of “the bro code” but I think in this situation it stands. You need to shut this down OP. Unless you don’t respect your brother or yourself that is.
Don’t let her touch you, don’t shrug it off or laugh along when she makes comments like “looking forward to date night” – shut it down with something like “that’s a weird comment to make given you’re married to my brother”. Most likely you only have to step away from a hug or touch or shut her down once or twice for her to feel embarrassed enough for this behaviour to stop.
Personally, I wouldn’t tell her husband at this stage – she hadn’t actually crossed a boundary yet and she may just see this as harmless flirting/ a little bit of attention while her husband is away. BUT if your brother expresses any concerns or insecurities about her behaviour in the relationship more broadly, that might be the time to say something. If you say something now there’s always the possibility that your bro will get defensive and the whole thing will backfire on you considering not an awful lot has happened as of yet.
Set up some cameras around the house and show your brother what’s going on!
Just tell her that you feel very good around her and you see her as your sister just like you see grant as your brother.
Whatever you do, recording the interactions which prove you’re innocent is a must. Don’t skip this step, your future with your brother may depend on it.
Make plans to bail. Help with the rent if you can, but you need to remove yourself from the situation.
Next, emphasize to your friend that its completely obvious how lonely his wife is and that he should make a long term plan to find a job that doesn’t involve him being gone regularly.
Good luck
I am reminded of the many cases in which rejecting the woman outright gets her in “scorched earth” mode, in which she may paint you as the aggressor – possibly physically and/or sexually – to her husband and others. It is a defense for her, and we’ve seen how it works with the Heard&Depp case… now, after 6 years, he’s getting to say his side of things, but for these past 6 years his life was destroyed and he was branded as a wife-beater while she was living the high life. People tend to believe/trust the ‘weaker’ part more, and it is almost implicitly understood that women are the weaker ones, even when they aren’t.
Maybe the possible move you could do, which women do a lot to men, is to “friendzone” her (“I see you as a sister and nothing more”, things that imply that, while you have some affection for them, you don’t have attraction to her); for men it kills their confidence, I believe she would experience something akin.
Still, I’d couple that with discreetly video recording her behaviors with you when he’s not around (and maybe a few times when he’s around too for comparison), just in case. Having a disguised camera on a commonal location (like the kitchen, or the living room facing the door) may be a way to go.
She might decide nuking her own relationship with your bro because she sees you as a better provider, as a way to force your hand. Keeping video evidence (with possibly the addition of this thread) will allow you to show him that you were looking for ways to restrict things with her and prove your innocence if she ever decides to ignite things herself. Still, be sure to be patient with your brother, he will be out of his mind if she blows things on him.
tell Grant his girl is flirting with you, and move out ASAP. Not sure what your lease situation is but even if you have to pay double rent for a little bit it’s money well spent, every second you stay there you’re opening yourself up to accusations, temptation, and losing your friendship with Grant. Truth + remove yourself immediately from the situation, it’s your only and best roadmap.
Thanks everyone for the advice and different perspectives. I appreciate it. So far nothing’s changed with Kat since making this post. I’m going to sort through everything suggested and work on a path to proceed. I’ll provide an update.