Trigger warnings: abortion, miscarriage
My friend (who lives across the country) is currently 6-months pregnant with her third child, and 4 months ago, she stopped responding to my messages. I figured something bad had happened, maybe a miscarriage, so sent her a message saying, “I’m here if you need anything.” After that, I gave her space to process and haven’t reached out again.
A few days ago, her mom reached out (on supposedly my friend’s orders) to me and let me know my friend’s baby has severe genetic issues. The fetus will either be stillborn, or will only live days or possibly weeks (though that’s very rare, and honestly sounds even worse to me).
I’ve been in a state of shock, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any kids of my own yet but this whole situation makes me imagine like she’s going through mental torture, and she’s known for months already and hadn’t told anyone. I feel so bad for her and I don’t want her to go through it alone, but she seems like she wants isolation to mourn and I want to respect her wishes.
Privately, I’m pretty shocked she didn’t have an abortion, and is continuing not to. I personally believe continuing with the pregnancy will cause more harm than good. However, I will NEVER tell her this, I know she’s already going through hell. But part of me is worried she didn’t tell me about her situation because I’m pretty open about my beliefs; she knows I’m pro-choice and have supported a few of our other friends when they needed abortions.
I want to let her know I’m here for her, I’ve even thought of volunteering to come stay with her and cook for her and her husband during this time (I’m a chef), because I’m currently between gigs. I just don’t know what’s appropriate and if I should just continue waiting to hear from her about what she needs.
I just want to do something, even though I know I can’t fix things. It’s an unfixable situation entirely and it breaks my heart.
**TL;DR** – read the title
On a secondary kinda weird note, this news was sent out by email to me and other friends/family by the mom, and it was also attached to an invite for a “celebration of life” they’re going to have in lieu of a baby shower/funeral. I’m not sure what the etiquette is for something like that? I was going to treat it like a funeral but my friend apparently is requesting everyone wears pink (the fetus’ gender is female) and come with bubbles… I’m sure it will be truly excruciating but I’m going to go and try and be as supportive as possible for her mourning needs.
16 comments
Just drop some food over – don’t wait to be asked because asking will probably be met with a ‘we’re okay thanks’ but doing something proactive and taking some initiative at this time will show her you are there for her.
If the event is a celebration of life, then they clearly want it to be upbeat, so plaster on a smile and go. Such an awful situation and kudos to you for wanting to support her. Show her you are there for her, rather than just saying the words and let her take the lead for how to respond best in supporting her during what must be a horrifically difficult time.
I’m a father of a stillbirth, here are some thoughts.
Don’t drop food off, it can become too much food for the fridge. I suggest a delivery meal gift card instead, like Hello Fresh or whatever is in the area. This way they can get it when they’re ready. Skip the dishes and other delivery food gift certificates are good too. They will need to eat, and they will be taking time off work, so having some money or gift cards to use when they don’t feel up for cooking a meal or going out to a restaurant will be useful.
Remember her name. If they have named her then call her that instead of “the baby”. A person is a person no matter how small.
Remember her birthday. Put it in your calendar. Send something like flowers or a card every year.
Check up with her frequently. This loss comes in waves and it can unexpectedly crush you. Be aware of any mutual friends pregnancy as this can bring up the feels.
A gift can be special and you don’t even know it. We had someone who wasn’t even that close with us at all give us a cute little angel keepsake. We aren’t religious at all but we’ve kept with my daughters stuff all these years.
See if there is any Butterfly Runs in your area. They are charitable runs that support and honour the loss of pregnancies. Put together a team and run in her memory.
I don’t know what your options are but I would see if you can be there time of the birth. Just be like a ghost. Show up clean. Drop off food etc.
Can you somehow let her know that being pro choice means you support her choice regardless of what choice you would have made in the same situation? Sometimes having a friend with strong opinions also strongly offer unconditional support can be very comforting.
I had a friend who found out something similar with one of their pregnancies. Her shower became an at home spa day where she could relax and focus on being pregnant only in that moment, not what would be happening in the future.
You might think about gifting them a couples massage and letting the massage parlor know in advance that they are suffering from a loss.
> I’m pretty shocked she didn’t have an abortion, and is continuing not to.
You can’t know what medical advice she got and when, especially because many types of medical care have been delayed due to covid. A close friend of mine went through a similar experience last year, and was told around 3 months that there were complications. She was referred to a specialist for further investigation, but the specialist could not see her for almost two months, at which point she got the news that the baby was not going to make it. She absolutely would have gotten the abortion earlier on if she had known, but that becomes a completely different question, not just emotionally but also **medically**, at five months in. Luckily (not really but better than some other possible outcomes) for her, the baby no longer had a heartbeat after their second visit with the specialist, and it was still small enough that she could have a D&E to remove it, rather than having to deliver. But if it had been later, that might not have been an option. And even so, she still had about a week where she had a dead baby inside her body before they could schedule the procedure. It was fucking nightmarish. So yeah. Your friend having to carry this pregnancy until she can deliver the baby *is* going to do damage. It’s likely to be hugely traumatic. But you can’t know what factors, medical or logistical or otherwise, are influencing that outcome. Try to reserve judgement.
My friend got a lot of different types of “support” from a lot of different people. From what she said, she and her husband really appreciated thoughtful cards and notes, uber eats/grub hub/door dash gift cards (they did not have the energy to cook for a while after), and disposable plates/cups/utensils. They appreciated very specific questions like, “I’m going to the grocery store, is there anything I can grab for you?” and when relatives were able to organize helping out on their own initiative (like when one family member came over and did some house chores while they were out one day). Oh, and her one sister remembered that her husband is allergic to flowers and sent an edible arrangement instead of a plant, which she appreciated a lot, because they got a lot of flowers and had to throw them away.
Stuff they *didn’t* find helpful included the large groups of people who wanted to show up at their house with huge meals that she and her husband would have to clean up; people asking, “Is there anything I can do?” (Way too big and open ended of a question for someone who is barely functioning); people who said things like, “At least you’re young,” or, “You can try again though,”; and people who made their own grief the center of the conversation. Broadly speaking, you want to avoid creating more work for them or making the support you offer about you.
If you are unsure about how to support them, you can also ask her mom, who is on the scene and knows a little better what’s happening. You can also do some research about the topic, there are a lot of resources out there about what to say and how to help. I spent a lot of time googling to see what other people who had been through this recommended, and I found it really helpful. I tend to worry about saying the wrong thing, so having done some reading helped.
I would not offer to stay with her, because they’ll probably want this time as a family. I had a friend who lost a child and she appreciated gift cards for takeaways and groceries and just a nice note saying I’m here if she needs me.
Additionally, there’s no way of knowing what medical advice she got and when, and your comments on abortion and the celebration of life don’t sound as supportive as they could be. I’m not suggesting you’re going to go up to her and tell her she should have aborted or her celebration is excruciating, but the family need love and support right now so make sure you don’t give away how you’re actually feeling on these topics.
This happened to a coworker of mine.
First off, always be there for her. Do not shun her or treat her like what happened was her fault. That was the main thing my coworker said. Everyone was tiptoeing around her like she was a leper. She ended up quitting over it.
I do know that some parents choose to keep the pregnancy going so the organs can be donated and save other babies.
Ask her what you can do to support her. You can offer to cook.
OP, I have seen people who decided to continue the pregnancy knowing the baby could be a stillbirth/ would not survive long. At first I thought too that it seemed cruel to the parents but I heard a mother who chose to do that so she could grief properly and spend more time with her child. She said it helped her a lot and she even donated milk after her LO passed away (brave person, I could not bring myself to do it)
I have a friend who had a still birth. What I have learned from her is to treat the loss as you would any loss. It is heartbreaking that they will not get those smiles and special moments, but some people seem to think that because they didn’t get those moments, the loss isn’t as hard. Just the opposite – they don’t have any memories to hold onto when they need them the most. Also, if your friend has another child one day, it will be hard for your friend. My friend has since had a child who is almost a year now, and she still needs to talk about the baby she lost. The new baby doesn’t fill the hole, or make the earlier pain go away. So my point is that this isn’t something that you stand by her just now – it will be something she carries with her the rest of her life.
Caitlyn Doughty/ Ask A mortician has a couple really good videos regarding grief and how you can help people! highly recommend. Offer to help them clean, Or you could just show up randomly, tidy up and take out the trash while checking in, let them know you’re available as a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on, sometimes people just need to talk or scream into the void. Just showing up and being there helps.
Loads of love and care, I didnt read the whole story(Its 4 a clock here), but a loss is a loss and its horrible, You need support, mostly by presence and not verbal so just make sure they or she is not alone through this difficult times, Also dont forget to take care of your own family since we tend to take stuff like that for granted
I fully understand your friend. All of us are here temporally. One day of life or 90 years of life is the same, is a lifetime. I’m also pro-choice but your friend did make a choice: she chose to give her daughter as much time on Earth as she will have.
Since you are in contact with your friend’s mother, why don’t you ask the mother how can you be of help? Tell the mother that you are available for whatever is needed and list the things you think you can do for your friend. Perhaps the mother will also have suggestions.
Bring her meals she can just pop in the oven, and stuff they can make quickly. Bring her some of her favorite snacks and comfort foods. Since you are a chef, this will be easy and will help a lot. Drop in and check in on her. She may be irritated at the time, but when she looks back she will love you for being there.
Give your love and support in anyway they are comfortable with.
I had a friend feel secure enough with our friendship to reach out after she had a miscarriage, not something I was prepared for, and to be honest I still don’t know if I handled it well (we are still friends so I didn’t do badly).
At the end of the day, them knowing that they have your love and support will help and try not to take any silence or lack of communication from them as a slight , they will be working through a lot and sometimes may just need space.