My best friend of 25 years and I (both 35f) drifted apart over the past three years. We’d grown into different people (sexuality aside) and our conversations started to feel superficial. The last time we spent time together I felt very uncomfortable with her making snarky or judgemental comments towards me. As a result I decided to distance myself from her, and despite the odd Christmas or birthday text between us we haven’t spoken for a year.
There’s no bad blood (at least not from my side) and (I assume) there’s still love there.
However, a mutual friend recently brought to my attention that this old friend is potentially gay, based on recent social media posts.
I feel like this is a really big deal and I’m extremely sad that I’m not there to support her. It also feels like the end of our friendship is cemented, because she’s gone through such a big life change and is a different person now – one that I don’t know.
I’m not trying to center myself, I’m just having trouble reconciling the fact that she’s going through something so huge and I’m not a part of her life to share it with her (we’ve shared all other huge life milestones together). It makes me feel awful that perhaps she didn’t reach out to me this past year because she was going through her own things, yet at the same time if she wanted me involved or needed my support she would told me so.
Equally, I had my own reasons for distancing myself and I’m trying to remember that.
My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I guess I’m just looking for words of encouragement from anyone who’s been through something similar, either from my perspective or my friends.
TLDR: Best friend of 25 years and I drifted apart and haven’t spoken for a year. She’s just come out as gay and I’m devastated that I’m not part of her life to support her. I also feel like this cements the end of our friendship as she’s on a different path that doesn’t include me. However, I made the decision to step back from the friendship as it was no longer fulfilling so I’m emotionally struggling to deal with this.
3 comments
If she had wanted you along on that journey she would have reached out. Do not allow that guilt to take hold. That is not your story and you were growing also. (And she was not there for you)
There’s no need to feel guilty but you said yourself that you were the one who distanced yourself. Therefore she may have felt like she couldn’t turn to you for this. One other thing, she is still the same person. Just because she’s gay doesn’t make her different.
>, a mutual friend recently brought to my attention that this old friend is potentially gay, based on recent social media posts.
That’s… really not what your title or TLDR says.
At a guess, she’s shared some solidarity type posts or what have you, and this has been interpreted as ‘Friend is definitely gay’ by your mutual friend? Unless you have actually read in her own words ‘I am gay’ or the equivalent, I think conclusions are being jumped to there.
But let’s say she has fully come out… I don’t quite understand why this is such a big deal for you? I mean, you chose to distance yourself because you didn’t like the way she was treating you. Maybe it was a way to relieve her stress at still being in the closet, or maybe she was just treating you badly regardless of her sexuality for other reasons?
Either way, if you want to offer the olive branch, then do so. But it’s probably best not to expect miracles.