Hey fellas, I am 33 and struggling more and more with the three things I described in the title. I had a major loss in my life with my dad passing away in November of 2020. Since then I have moved from Texas to Colorado with my wife and pets but have maintained working at the same company where I am a upper level manager. Work has definitely been a stressor along with strife between my wife and my family. I love my new home and life in Colorado and my wife and I are trying for our first baby (another stressor).
I know I have a lot going on right now but it’s getting to me more and more and there doesn’t seem to be a turning point for it to get better. I find myself constantly wondering if I’m doing the right thing at any given moment. Sometimes paralyzed in thought searching for something I’ve forgotten about that would explain the dread I feel. That anxiety turns to guilt due to the wasted time, manic energy to make up for lost time, then a crash where I sink into a depression. I’m not sure if it’s depression because I wouldn’t describe myself as sad or really feeling anything. I’m apathetic and numb.
I’ve seen therapists in the past and while talking helps with the grief of my dad, it doesn’t take away the anxiety. I think I may need to see a psychologist but I’m not sure. Has anyone else experienced something like this?
5 comments
Well, of all three things it looks like perhaps burnout has an easier solution. Can you take a break from work? Or perhaps find something else? This could remove that burnout issue and perhaps reduce anxiety as well.
Whatever you do, make sure it doesn’t affect your wife or that at least she knows what you are going through and can be there to support you and not think it’s because of her, or because you are trying for a baby. If this is really affecting you perhaps you should discuss and postpone it? Your wife could take it the wrong way, but that’s up to you to know how to address it with her.
If therapy has not worked so far perhaps you need to see a few more therapists until you find a suitable one that may be able to help you. A psychologist might be a good idea.
Take care, I am certain you will find a way forward.
It seems you are very worried about dropping the ball. This is understandable but it gives you more stress than it should. And now you feel stressed about being stressed, which makes everything seem worse than it is.
Your problem is stress and anxiety. And that is something you definitely need to talk to a therapist about. The earlier, the better. If you don’t, it will grow.
So how do you deal with all of this besides the therapist?
Well, our minds have a certain capacity. Mindspace if you will. Eventually, we are full and we simply cannot add anything to it. It always seems like a very small thing that is too much.
Your mind is approaching capacity so the first step is to stop adding new things. Don’t take on new responsibilities, don’t accept challenges or opportunities. You are full.
The second step is to reduce. For this you will need to go through the (sometimes painful) proces of going through all your worries and naming them. Write them down and write down honestly how you feel about them and what worries you. This alone will often help because you no longer deal with the unknown, but with the known.
Some things you’ll need to process, like grief. There are counselors for that, and you’ll need to go through it. Give it a place.
Other things are problems you can fix. My advice is to fix the smallest problem first. The one that is easiest to solve and feels like it isn’t worth your time. Do those first, because you want your mind to have more space.
Some issues are irrational or exaggerated. Don’t simply dismiss them, but set aside a specific time to think about them. How likely are they, should you really be that worried, what is the worst that could happen, can you prevent them… Many of these issues will leave your mind once you confront them or take simple actions.
Often our issues seems really important, but are much easier to deal with from another perspective. So taking a break is a good idea. A new perspective might help you see some issues as unimportant and thus non-existent.
Best of luck and I hope you find peace.
Hey, I kinda went through that a little ahead of you. Lost my father in April 2020. I’m 36 now. I’ve got 2 kids already, now 5 and 4.
Losing my father was an existential crisis. He preached hard work and sweat equity and doing the hard thing. He retired and within 2 years took his own life. I was lost. I had to recreate myself in some ways. I spoke with a physiologist for maybe 3-4 months about 6 months later. It helped a lot, but mostly I just needed time to make adjustments to myself. I took a pay cut to work 4 days a week in medicine. High stress job, try and limit that first. Find a way to work less for a bit. That helped me slow down and reassess everything. Godspeed man!
You are experiencing several of the major stressors for anxiety and/or depression. You have had lots of changes in the middle of a Covid crisis. Do you need to set aside more time for you? Are you and your spouse able to talk about this?
Have you tried an antidepressant in the past? My experience is that primary care physicians do a good job with depression medication. If you don’t have a physician yet you may want to ask around about recommendations.
Some things to consider doing:
-setting aside “you” time
-some sort of physical activity
-monitor any alcohol consumption
-finds ways to integrate yourself in the community.
It may not be the best time to add baby making to everything going on.
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