I (20f) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (21m) for about 3 and a half years. He is my high school sweetheart and my first everything. He is extremely loving and has such a beautiful soul. We are extremely alike in so many ways, which allows us to connect with each other so well. However, our differences are so large (at least in my point of view) that it makes me extremely uneasy about our relationship.
I’m more than halfway through my undergraduate years and feel as though it is important to take the future into account and plan for it. My current plan is to start working full-time after my undergraduate years (whether it be at my current job or be a job within my field of study), live on my own, and work towards a graduate degree. Living on my own and becoming 100% independent after my undergraduate years has always been a concrete desire of mine, and I have worked very hard to make sure i’m able to reach that goal. I am currently living at home with my mother which happens to be a little from the city (where school and work is) and who for most of my life has been pretty strict with me. Considering my rocky relationship with my mother and the unconventional location that we are in, I feel that it will be beneficial to move out once I am able to financially support myself.
Considering I have been with my boyfriend for quite some time, I would love to move in with him within the next couple of years and truly start out life together. However, based on his actions it seems like he isn’t on the same page despite his words saying otherwise.
He currently isn’t in college (dropped out of school in the beginning of covid), finally found a job in the summer 2021 but quit this early this year and has not found a new job. He is living with his mom and seems to have no desire to go back to school and hasn’t worked too hard to find a new job. He depends on his savings to support his interests and spends a lot of his time smoking weed and playing video games when we are apart. This mentality is extremely different than mine as I work hard to be as independent as possible in order to not burden my mother and reach my goals. It’s truly concerning seeing how unmotivated he is, as it takes time to build a career with a comfortable salary, and he is 21 with no job or real desire for one.
I have brought up my concerns with how he is spending his time, and he understands that he can and should be working harder to find a job. He also says that I am the one that he truly forever desires to be with, and understands that being financially stable is important for our relationship to work in the long run. He mentioned that we are young and that we will live together and have everything we desire together but that we have plenty of time to make that happen and how it’s impossible to perfectly plan out how the future will go. Towards the end of the conversation he acknowledged that he can be doing much more productive things and understands and appreciates my concern. I was glad to get this off my chest as I was worried about the direction our relationship could be headed in the future.
It’s been a few months since i’ve had that conversation but no change has been made. He is still unemployed, and continues to spend the majority of his time smoking weed and playing video games with his online friends. It feels bad to admit but it is embarrassing when I view my relationship from an outside perspective and in a way feel naive for holding onto this relationship. I love him to death though and i’m nervous that i’m going to miss out in having a man in my life that treats me wonderfully and that I can connect with so well because of what ifs. But having no foundation or general support that our relationship is not going towards a bad direction is extremely worrisome. I do not want to be stuck in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere or is not 50/50 but I do not want to destroy the current good.
Any advice?
PS: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I truly appreciate it.
3 comments
Weed and video games are both very addictive. If he’s not in a healthy mental place he could be using them as a form of self medication. It might not just be as easy as “get you shit together”. Maybe have a deeper conversation with him to see if there are underlying issues or if he’s just being a slacker.
I think it might be approaching “shit or get off the pot” time. You’ve given him a few months. I think it’s valid to check in and see where he thinks his progress is compared to how you view it. If it seems as though he’s not made any effort, I think you have to almost give him an ultimatum. Ultimatums are a trick thing, but you don’t want an albatross. You want a partner. A wonderful friend who is also your partner in life. If he can’t provide that, you might just have to let him go. It sucks, but you can be productive while still playing video games.
You sound like a sweet girl that’s way more mature and goal oriented than your BF and I’m being nicer for your sake but if he hasnt changed at all in those months since your last conversation with him than I dont think he will any time soon.