We (F&M28) began dating in 2020. We have known each other for 10 years as friends.
When we began dating, it was a rush of emotions and and excitement, as most relationships are like.
When we moved in together, everything was fine until he ended up on sickleave, and needed medication for his health. He grew extremely depressed, to a point where I got depressed, but was able to work it out. I was really stressed, sex was non existent for 5 months, but now things are getting back to normal.
The problem is that he no longer kisses me with excitement and almost seems annoyed when I want to kiss, cuddle or spend time together. The only time these things happens where he seems happy is when HE wants to do these things.
He sits at home, does nothing except playing games. He doesn’t clean the apartment unless I ask him to, and doesn’t cook for us. He doesn’t know when he wants to return back to work. Says he feels less stress because of no work, but feels like I am stressing him when I express my frustration with how he treats me and our home. He goes into a selfpitty, and only act up when I am really angry and avoid talking to him.
What tipped my cup is that I expressed I want to get married, and I don’t care how. He has usually agreed with this desire, but now he says he doesn’t know if he wants to, only that he wants to be with me forever.
This did hurt me. I don’t know what to do from now on. I want to have children and marriage before I am 35, but if he doesn’t want to get married, it leads me to feel conflicted with where this relationship will go.
My mom thinks his response might be related to his sickleave, treatment and depression.
But she has also said I should seek out what I want in life, with or without him.
I have had this discussion with him, where my emotions has spilled, and where I had my cools.
I love him dearly, but feel very conflicted. Before I dated him, I was cheated on my previous partner who also didn’t want to get married, but only have children. When he said he feels unsure it led to me feeling the hurt I felt with the previous partner. I expressed this to him, to which he didn’t confirm or remove my worry.
I feel as of late he doesn’t give me any reason for me not be worried. His only answer to when I express I feel hurt by these things is “I will be with you forever “
I do not want “dump him” options. Give me arguments for why he might be like this, feel like this, and/or if there’s anything I can do?
For the MBTI knowledgeable, I am INFJ and he is ENTP
TLDR:
Known each other 10 years, dated 2 years. Partner got sick and depressed, stays at home from November til who knows how long, doesn’t help out at home. Seems annoyed by affection, but only when I ask for it. Drops the bomb out of nowhere that he doesn’t know if he wants to get married to me anymore, feel confused and doesn’t know what the goal with our relationship is anymore.
2 comments
Have you read about attachment styles? Read up on avoidant attachment, that might help explain some of his behaviors. Just see if it rings true to you. I had a relationship very similar to what you’re describing and it helped me understand it a bit better.
Similar situation except LDR. 10 years friends as well.
My experience goes, learned to set standard boundaries enforcing self love and respect. Then boom. No longer attracted to him. All left was this emotional connection that will be released.
Work on yourself and eventually you will see right through everything. Love yourself and you will see you deserve more and better.