I apologize in advance if this post reads as something of a ramble. I’m mostly trying to process the events of the last few weeks which revolve around myself (30f), my partner (26nb), our mutual friend who I’ll call D (30nb) and an old best friend that my partner had throughout their school years who is no longer in the picture (24-26f) who I’ll call A.
My partner and I have finally completed our process of moving apartments. But two weeks ago, as we were still trying to pack and plan for the move they told me that they have been having dreams about their old best friend, A. My partner idolized A as they were growing up, wanted to be like her, and at some point developed romantic and sexual feelings for her that may have/may not have been reciprocated. They have told me stories about A in extreme detail throughout our relationship, including the first time they came out to A and instances where the two of them bathed together and how they used to peek at her naked body. My partner and A stopped talking when I came into the picture because A did not like how close we were and my partner chose to pursue a relationship with me rather than be a second option for A.
When they let me know they wanted to get back in contact with A and patch up their damaged friendship, I took it to heart and had feelings of abandonment and worthlessness. I have BPD. But I still told them that I understood their need to reach out and that it was okay with me if they did. I asked not to know much about it, but I admit that it kept me awake at night and I intentionally distanced myself for a few days while I came to terms with it. Well, what happened was that A completely ignored my partner’s message to reconcile and that led to my partner having intense negative feelings…and a sort of desperation to be acknowledged by A, even to the point of wanting to hurt themselves.
When I learned this, I became very concerned and wary, because it seemed to me that A still has a major significance to my partner that has not been addressed. My partner told me that their desire to reach out to A was because I had asked to put our relationship on pause some weeks prior because I felt they were repulsed by me sexually. They told me that they were afraid I would leave them and they needed support. They then switched the story to be that they want nothing to do with A, and that they just reached out as a way of self flagellation as it was just a way to take a blow to their self esteem.
I believed them and tried to offer comfort, saying that they do not need A in their life and that they should stop trying to put their memory of A up on a pedestal because they are an amazing person who will meet many more wonderful people.
As this was happening, our mutual friend D came to stay with us for a few days. D and I have been cool if not friendly with each other. My partner seems to truly find them irritating to be around at times and I feel that D doesn’t always deserve this treatment. Anyway, the reason D was staying with us was because my partner paid them to help us move. This meant that D was present during many of the tense moments that my partner and I were settling the issues revolving A. And this meant that my partner was texting them for support.
As the days went on, D became more and more frosty with me, making constant digs about my music taste, that I was being too noisy at night while trying to clean/pack, and that I was just too much. I put it down to the possibility that D is going through their own shit and tried not to pick a fight, exchanging some words with my partner about it in a “What the hell?” way, and to that end my partner seemed to agree that D was acting out of place.
ANOTHER thing that was happening during this time was that I was preparing to leave my old job. It is honestly a good time for me to do so, because we do not have to pay rent until July and I have savings and another check coming in soon. I will have my half of the rent for July and I also have set up some interviews that offer more or the same as what I am being paid right now.
We finished moving yesterday. My partner and I enjoyed a night of settling into our new apartment, unpacking boxes, drinking wine and I felt like the stress and pain of the past few weeks were finally lifted off of us.
This morning, I had the most peculiar feeling though, thinking that there were gaps in what my partner was saying, and I looked at their text messages with D. This was wrong and invasive and I fully accept that my behavior in snooping was not acceptable. What I read was my partner venting to D about the fact that I want to find another job, that the money they’ve put into our new apartment was wasted (they used their tax return, I had to borrow from my parents, the contribution to the down payment was 50/50), and that I’ve let them down by wanting to find a new job and that they don’t believe I am going to get one.
I did not hide the fact that I snooped. When my partner came into the room, I showed them their phone and asked why they had pretended to be proud of me for wanting to leave my old job and supportive of the interviews I’ve scheduled. Their response was to put a password lock on their phone (which I am okay with) and to tell me that they ARE proud of me, they just said all of that to D without thinking. They said that they had defended me against D while she was staying with us, because D claims I am abusive and wishywashy with work.
I told my partner that they seem dishonest and two faced in many ways to me and that I can’t trust them. They have spent the day trying to make it up to me but I honestly feel lost. I feel like they don’t care about me or my well being, despite the fact that I’ve covered for them time and time again when they could not work or didn’t want to. I feel like they wish they had their old crush/best friend with them, or maybe even someone like D, but they’re with me because I am reliable and dependable. They want me to help them pay the bills but they are not invested in making a home with me. They swear that this isn’t true and I don’t have the heart or courage to challenge them on it.
Reddit, please help. Tl;Dr my partner and I keep running into roadblocks in our relationship and we’ve just signed another year long lease in our “dream home” and I don’t know what my thoughts and emotions are doing. I have no one to talk to. I feel worthless and used.