For some godforsaken reason this happens.
Me: hey how was your evening? What did you do?
Them: <gives response>
Me in my mind: That genuinely passed by me like a big cloud
I don’t know. It’s a shitty thing to say there is no interest, but literally none of what the person I’m conversing with has told me gets retained. What happens then is I try extra hard to show interest in my face and tone, which just backfires on me. Conversations frequently fall flat wayyyy sooner than I wish just because I don’t know how to keep up the momentum. I try to relate to what they are saying sometimes, but that almost always gives off a “oh shut up, let’s talk about ME!” vibe.
Sucks to suck man idk what to do
3 comments
Two recommendations:
1. Increase your working memory capacity. Doing so has helped me stay present in conversations, and retain what people say.
2. Try and model, in your own head and silently, as much as possible about the scenario from what they tell you.
Writing out #2 in paragraph form because it’s too much for one bullet.
Maintain a simulation in your imagination of what they told you.
For example if they told you that they went to Dante’s club with Gina, *imagine them* walking into Dante’s Club. Imagine the lights and the music. Imagine them going to the coat check. Imagine them standing in the line outside. Imagine them dancing in the dance floor. Imagine them looking around the club and seeing all the sights.
From that visual scene all sorts of follow up questions come up:
* Was there a long wait?
* What did she wear?
* How was the music?
* Do you think I’d like it there?
* What made you choose Dante’s?
* Had you ever been there before?
* Was it packed?
* Do you like it when it’s crowded or more sparse?
* Why?
* Do you like to dance at a club, or hang out on couch and people watch, or go outside to the roof, or what?
That visual imagination yields questions. The important thing is to process their words into new format. Either new words, or images, or whatever else.
Translating their words into images is an example of *processing*. It’s just one type of processing: format translation from verbal to pictorial. Other types of processing include: savoring, analyzing, organizing, etc.
For example when someone tells you a story you can savor it. You can make it a point to enjoy their words as much as possible. Like when Morgan Freeman is talking.
Or you can analyze it: break it into parts and see if you fully grok the parts. “I went to Dante’s Club with Gina”.
Analysis:
“**I went**”. How’d you get there? What time did you go? Was it your first time? What made you decide to go?
“**to Dante’s Club**”: Why there? Did you like it? What’s the place like? Are the DJs any good?
“**with Gina**”: How is Gina doing? What did you guys talk about? How is her PhD going?
The point is that you should process the words. As you process them, the next steps become clear.
And people like it too. If you do too little processing of someone’s words, they feel like you don’t care. The epitome of no processing is when you go “uh huh” and don’t remember what they said at all.
The other end of that spectrum is like “I’ve been thinking about what you said and …”
You don’t have to relate, but more give a comment on what they just said so you were listening and then continue, then after enough time passes you can talk about something yourself.
*Without being creepy* maybe go to a coffee shop or bar and get a drink and a book or something and just listen to other folks convos. Don’t be a weirdo but just let it wash over you and try to take in how the successful small talkers keep convos rolling smoothly.
Like say you are standing in line and you hear a couple friends bump into each other, you don’t need to remember what they said or spy on them but like just follow for patterns. This is defs a slightly creepy way to learn even if you are not a stalker lol but you’ve missed out on some part of you socializing education I think.
Also one really good tip: pretend you are interested. Feel excited to see them, or pretend that you are. It makes it easier to actually be interested if you feel like you are, even if it’s fake. If they have a pet or a child, that is ALWAYS -a good (if potentially boring for you) convo starter or continuer.
When I worked in a bunch of different offices and stuff doing consulting, I would keep little notes on folks in my phone if I knew I wouldn’t see them super often. It made it easier for me not to forget which face went with which name before the time of zoom calls.
So like I’d remember that Tiffany has a gorgeous dog that eats rocks and needs surgery because she’s a doofus and won’t stop eating rocks. Adnan likes to kayak and has a campervan that always needs repairs.
Whatever works for you. Like if you can’t trust your working memory in the moment, create a memory file that you can check before you have to go to events with loads of folks. I mean Facebook kinda does this for you with friends but if you don’t have it or they aren’t people you’d have as social media friends then this works. 🙂
You can also just tell them you are really awkward at small talk but are genuinely happy to see them and they’ll often do the extra work to keep the convo flowing. 🙂