I love my boyfriend so much. But he has been continuously gaining weight ever since the beginning of our relationship, which is a year and a few months.
Dont get me wrong, I’ve also gained weight but it has only been 5/10 pounds at most and I am always still conscious about what I eat because I always want to be attractive to him and to myself. But he has been eating copious amounts of food. In the beginning, it was fun and exciting to eat together. But now, I am begging to feel so infuriated and angry when I see him eat a whole jar of peanut butter and Ice cream almost every other night. It’s like he does not even THINK about whether I am losing attraction towards him. I will always love and be in love with him, but I just am starting to feel so horrible at that thought that he doesn’t care how I feel and doesn’t make any efforts to lose weight.
I want him to not only lose weight, but to be healthier. We see each other long term, but he just is not healthy in what he eats. He excessively eats. I guess I’m writing here to ask for advice on how to tell him he needs to start making real efforts to be healthier. I never want to shame him in anyway, but sometimes I just want to scream at him to stop eating so much. Please someone tell me I’m not horrible. I love him and I just wish he put effort into his appearance, fitness, and health for me the same way I always and have been doing for him.
I don’t even recognize the person I met anymore. I love him but he’s starting to become someone that just was never my type, I just don’t want this to get worse and for me to god forbid lose attractiveness toward. HOW SHOULD I HANDLE THIS?
Tl;dr boyfriend (22M) will not stop gaining weight and makes no efforts to change
11 comments
How much weight has your bf gained in the time you are referring to?
If you can’t handle him at his worst, you don’t deserve him at his best. His body his choice
Let him know you don’t want to feel like you wish he was thinner but he hasn’t been taking care of himself
You’re not a horrible person. The reality is many of us have been there. You’re young and feel like you want a partner with a comparable level of attractiveness to your own and when that person just lets themselves go it puts you in a difficult position because it is such a sensitive subject. And of course you start to wonder what this will look like 5, 10, 20 years from now.
When I was in my mid 20s I was still coasting off my teenage metabolism and could eat anything and stay thin. Then knocking on 30 I got fat. I later got back down to where I started but maintaining that now takes conscious effort. As a dude I suggest you be honest and tell him that this is affecting your level of sexual attraction to him. Then talk about the health angle and things you can do together to improve your eating habits and exercise as a team.
This behavior isn’t going to change because you tell him or because you want it to. I am not suggesting that you shouldn’t say something because you should, but you should also make decisions about this relationship that are predicated on this being a lifelong issue for him and your personal tolerance for it. This is something that is indicative of a physical medical issue or a mental health issue and it’s far more likely that it’s a mental health issue.
There is zero chance that he is unaware of his compulsive behavior, that he doesn’t know he’s gained a lot of weight and that he’s happy with it. Being attractive to you is not going to be a motivator for change.
You need to bring it up in terms of the behavior, how much he’s eating and the weight gain, express your concern, not your concern for whether or not you’re going to remain attracted to him. Tell him you are concerned for his health, the impact on his health in the future and the impact on your health in the future and the impact on your compatibility in terms of lifestyle, having children if that’s on the table, and aging. Suggest he consult a doctor and a therapist who deals with cognitive behavioral change.
He will react however he reacts. But know that if his response is positive, and he jumps through some hoops, and cleans out the kitchen and does a dramatic 180, this is not a change. This is a reaction to the threat of a consequence. It’s why this almost never sustains. It isn’t his choice or on his terms. So don’t accept a few weeks of it, support it and encourage it but pay attention to whether he really follows through. If this lasts for a few weeks or months and he reverts, that should be your answer.
Sit him down and say, “You have gotten fat”
Girl, that post history.
Seriously, just throw the whole man away. Y’all aren’t a good fit. It isn’t the trip, it isn’t the overeating, there’s no future there and you’re trying to pin those feelings on something you feel you can change. You cannot.
Let this one go, gracefully.
You could just explain the fact that for every 50 lbs of fat a man loses 1/2 inch of visable penis length. If that dont motivate every man to get crackhead skinny then we are just done as a society. Put your head between your legs and kiss your butt goodbye cause the end is nigh!
In the course of your relationship this guy has:
-Cheated on you
-Ruined a vacation because he held money over your head
-Is going on a vacation with the same circumstances where he cheated on you before
-Won’t let you have male friends, his best friend is a girl who is disrespectful to you
And now you’re too afraid to talk to him about going back to therapy and taking better care of himself.
Read what you wrote four months ago: “bottom line is that he isn’t the man I want him to be at all.”
He probably is dealing with some mental health issues. If he suddenly just started having horrible eating habits it’s probably because of an external factor. I would try to talk to him about what’s wrong and why he’s suddenly eating more. Try support him. If he doesn’t want to communicate or try to change then I feel like that’s a bad sign. Shit happens and communication and understanding is the most important to get through tough times. Remember to try be a good partner but if things aren’t improving you don’t have an obligation to stay with him.
Well, I dated someone like this. After about a year together, she just kept eating and eating and her food portions and clothes size would be getting bigger and bigger. I truly was disgusted watching her eat after some time. Repulsed by it. I mean, why do you need 2 heaping large plates of food, followed by a bowl of ice cream, 2 hours after you just ate?
I brought up the subject from a place of concern. Of health. Of serious worry. At first she agreed. Tried to reduce her portion sizes, skip the dessert, but that didn’t work bc I found out that she became a closet eater instead. Next we tried the gym. She quit after 1 visit bc she was so out of breath. Next came the anger phase at what all of this food was costing ME when she came over – to which she never contributed, bc she felt she didn’t need to bc I was her gf. If I would refuse to feed her massive portion sizes, she would get very angry, throw fits and scream that I was starving her. That was a lot of fun to be around. I would just retrieve to my room and never cook more. Which she loathed.
Next came the outright, blow out fights over her eating so much food it was mind blowing. In 1.5 years she ballooned out 150 lbs. past what she was when we started dating. And she was already 50 lbs. overweight when we started dating.
Then she became so angry at me when I said she needed help. She became quite toxic saying all I cared about was her weight and how shallow of me. I couldn’t bring up her weight gain, it was “abuse” according to her. In the meantime, she was still eating nonstop and still getting bigger.
Sex went down the tubes, she refused to leave her home, she would loose her breath coming up the steps to visit me. Two years of me talking to her, begging her to get help, trying many things (portion control, less calorie meals, etc.) only ended in pure resentment on both our ends.
She ended up breaking up with me and shortly after started dating another chick who would literally feed her whatever she wanted, when she wanted and how she wanted. Literally feed her. She called me out of spite one day to rub this in my face. I just said: I’m sorry, but I love you too much to watch you literally eat yourself to death and what you told me just tells me your mental illness with food has gotten way outta control and this is not ok. You need help. She got so pissed, she hung up on me.
Op, you can say what you want – bring it up as a health concern, bring it up from a place of love. He might take it in and realize he’s overeating. He may hit the gym and he may change. I hope for your sake he does. Not for you, but for himself. Try to be supportive and try to be helpful. But keep in mind, this may be a real mental illness and if that’s the case, I’m sorry but you won’t be able to reach him, only a qualified professional will. And that’s only if he’s willing.